Wednesday, December 15, 2010

HOW TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS

HOW TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS
and
STAY CLEAN AND SOBER

1. Don’t try to get through this all by yourself. Get connected with others who can support you in staying clean and sober. It does not have to be your close friend or a partner. Your sponsor, your counselor/therapist, or someone who has had a few years of sobriety can also be quite helpful. It’s never too late to ask for help but it is better to let someone know about your needs a week or two before the actual risky time.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Great Holiday Tips for People in Recovery!

Most people know the holidays can be a period of emotional highs and lows. Loneliness, anxiety, happiness and sadness are common feelings, sometimes experienced in startling succession. The bad news is the holiday blues can trigger relapse for people recovering from alcoholism and other drug addiction. The good news is the blues can be remedied by planning ahead.

Holiday Articles for Sobriety

Holiday Articles for Sobriety

It's that time of year again, the Holiday Season. Time to be happy, time to be with friends and time to celebrate. For those of us that are in recovery from alcohol/drugs, this time of year can be very difficult to get thru clean and sober. Thru the years of my time on the internet my managers and I have put together some articles and tips for folks just like us to aid us to make it thru clean and sober.

Most of the work was compiled by Elva E. (Cuddles) one of my managers, with me since my first recovery group in January of 2004.

What do the Three Legacies of AA represent?

What Bill W. had to say……………The three legacies of AA - recovery, unity and service - in a sense represent three impossibilities, impossibilities that we know became possible, and possibilities that have now borne this unbelievable fruit. Old Fitz Mayo, one of the early AA's and I visited the Surgeon General of the United States in the third year of this society and told him of our beginnings. He was a gentle man, Dr. Lawrence Kolb, and has since become a great friend of AA. He said, "I wish you well. Even the sobriety of a few is almost a miracle. The government knows that this is one of the greatest health problems but we have considered the recovery of alcoholics so impossible that we have given up and have instead concluded that rehabilitation of narcotic addicts would be the easier job to tackle."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Under the influence in AA Meeting

What Bill W. had to say..................

QUESTION: If an alcoholic comes to an A.A. meeting under the influence of alcohol, how do you treat him or handle him during the meeting?


BILL W.'S ANSWER:

Getting back to basics

The other night when I was in my Web Design Class, I looked at the sheet that I turn in keeping track of the work I do. I noticed that there was an item with a note next to it. It said to copy and turn in. It was my understanding that I didn't have to do this part of the workbook, as I told the teacher that I had experience in this part of Web Design, lol.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Drug Addiction in AA - As Bill Sees it

This is one of Bill W.'s talks and answered by him in 1945. I found it to be quite interesting.

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How many drug addicts are there in A.A. and in the organization similar to A.A. which operates among drug addicts?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Do alcoholics as a class differ from other people

Answered by Bill W. Memphis, Tenn., Sept.18-20, 1947

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Some years ago the doctors began to look at Alcoholics Anonymous and they got about thirty of us together and they said to themselves "Well, now that these fellows are in A.A., and they won't lie so badly, and maybe for the first time we'll get a good look at what the interior of a drunk is like." So a number of us were examined at great length by psychiatrists, and all sorts of tests taken, and the object of this particular inquiry was to see whether alcoholics as a class differed from other people, and if they did, just why and how much.

What did A.A. learn from the Oxford Group and why did they leave them?

Bill W. answer below

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AA's first step was derived largely from my own physician, Dr. Silkworth, and my sponsor Ebby and his friend, Dr. Jung of Zurich. I refer to the medical hopelessness of alcoholism - our 'powerlessness' over alcohol.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Just how does A.A. work?

Just how does A.A. work?


Answered by Bill W. below

I cannot fully answer that question. Many A.A. techniques have been adopted after a ten-year period of trial and error, which has led to some interesting results. But, as laymen, we doubt our own ability to explain them. We can only tell you what we do, and what seems, from our point of view, to happen to us.

Stress / Depression

Stress / Depression


What is Stress? We are all familiar with the word "stress". Stress is when you are worried about getting laid off from work, or worried about having enough money to pay your bills, or worried about your mother or father when the physician says she or he may need an operation. In fact, to most of us, stress is synonymous with worry. If it is something that makes you worry, then it is stress.

Friday, December 3, 2010

TIME

From the Zentai Series "Beyond the 12 Steps"

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Time fascinates people like nothing else. Time seems to be as much a part of the human condition as the mind structures themselves. Time is conceptualized as a changing constant. It is never the same, and this provides the greatest intrigue of all. The mind personalizes time and spends great amounts of energy contemplating it. The life of the mind begins at a certain time and ends at a certain time. This is as sure as anything there is. Thus the mind makes time, the unreality; into something so ultimately real that thousands of "feelings" are generated to support the position that time is real. Grief at the loss of loved ones and anticipation of coming events are common examples of feelings that support the position that time is real. I'm stretching you again.

INTENTION

From the Zentai Series "Beyond the 12 Steps"
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INTENTION


You always get what you intend. Intention is a phenomenon that happens outside of ordinary awareness, the purpose of which is to determine the course of your life events. One always gets what one intends, regardless of what the mind says about it. Intention is formulated at a level of awareness that transcends the mind. If you are out of touch with that level of awareness, the events that happen to you in life may come as a surprise. You may or may not like what happens to you in life, but either way you will experience it as a victim, and have no sense that you caused it, unless you are aware. If you are aware, on the other hand, you know that you cause the experience of everything that happens in your life. You have the choice to be satisfied and nurtured by the events in your life or victimized and embittered by them. Either way you got the experience you intended to get.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Caretaking

As long as we take care of others, solve their problems, and supply their needs, we are not required to look at ourselves and we absolve them of personal responsibility. As this trait becomes more pronounced, we lose our own identity. As children, we took on the concerns and problems of others far beyond our years and, in many cases, were deprived of a normal childhood. The attention we got caused us to believe we had some power. Taking care of others boosted our self-esteem and made us feel indispensable. It gave purpose to our life. As caretakers, we are most comfortable with chaotic situations in which we can be reassured that we are needed. We often end up as martyrs and never experience the joy of taking care of ourselves.

What does a caretaker look like? Feelings and Behavior:

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Confusion

Blurry Thinking - Identifying the Static in your mind

You know things are working well when images on the TV screen are sharp, clear, and accurate. When the picture is fuzzy, wavy, snowy, or has lots of static, something's wrong. There is a lot of interference. There are problems in seeing the shows the way they are really meant to be viewed. They are distorted pictures. When you have strong feelings, it is common for you to have fuzzy, unclear, and inaccurate views of yourself, your experiences, other

Monday, November 29, 2010

Turning Into Self Acceptance

From the Zentai Series "Beyond the 12 Steps"
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Turning Into Self Acceptance


How do I accept myself? The answer lies in learning to accept the reality of ourselves without necessarily agreeing with or liking all the feelings or separate components of what we are accepting. This means that we can agree with or approve of the totality, our wholeness, without agreeing with or approving of all our characteristics. This is the opposite of our training, which implies that we must be perfect before we can accept (agree with and approve of) ourselves. We can begin to accept the reality of ourselves. We can begin to accept the reality of ourselves, our totalities, as we are right now without needing to agree with or approve of all our parts, our roles, our behaviors. Acceptance does not mean understanding. Just as most of us will never understand all the complexities of life - war, famine, pain, and death - so we will never understand all the reasons for the complexity of ourselves. Acceptance does not mean change. Our acceptance of life does not change it and our acceptance of ourselves will not change us.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Crazy World

Aritcle written by Zentai in the series "Beyond the 12 Steps"

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Why does everything seem so crazy? None of the confident people I know forced themselves to be that way. Instead they've learned how to let themselves be that way. They are dynamic and creative. They are at peace with themselves, But unlike those who remain trapped in a cage of self-doubt they don't try to be dynamic, creative, and peaceful. Life works naturally when we get out of the way. They let life flow without presenting obstructions. They let these qualities come through. That's the key to learning truly deep confidence.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sexuality

Article written by Zentai in the series "Beyond the 12 Steps"

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Sexuality


Let's talk about sex and good gosh, why not? Everyone else does.

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable for most of us. In our society and in many of our families, it is a taboo subject. Many of us deal with sexuality through humor. Just think of all the "dirty jokes" we've told and heard over the years. For many

Friday, November 19, 2010

Death - Shifting Images



This article was written by Zentai from the series: "Beyond the 12 Steps" at the Circle for Recovery. It is not posted there yet, but will be soon.

It seems as we age, the word "Death" seems to come up more often. This article seems to explain why to some extent.

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I have found a mourning process for oneself as one gets older or deteriorating health conditions exists and one must come to terms with change resulting from this unavoidable progressing. One might describe this process as mourning for former states of the self, as if these states represented lost objects. - G. Pollock

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Twelve Signs of a Spiritual Awakening

Twelve Signs of a Spiritual Awakening

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
2. Frequent attacks of smiling.
3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.
4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.
6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
7. A loss of ability to worry.
8. A loss of interest in conflict.
9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
10. A loss of interest in judging others.
11. A loss of interest in judging self.
12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Getting Ideas

Getting Ideas


"All of us know more than any one of us" is the saying that applies to 12 Step groups. No matter how much experience any single individual has, it's surpassed by the collective knowledge of the group.
That's a good reason in itself for drawing upon these groups. And there are others as well. We need the pool of intelligence that the groups build up over time. We need the group's strength when our own is waning.
We also learn help that comes in surprising ways. The person in the group who seems just knowledgeable may express an idea that is just what we need at the time.
The group can meet many of our needs if we give it a chance. Regular attendance at meetings will keep us in touch with the group's ideas.
I'll stay in touch today with ideas that come from members of my group. Joined together, we have lots of knowledge.
Anyways people, hope to hear from more of you in the future. These are just my own thoughts as I see and feel them.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I LOVE to argue or debate

Do you ever find yourself enjoying a (good?) arguement or debate with someone? Do you like matching "wits" with someone else?

I was involved in a couple of posts on other boards lately, in regards to a couple of posts that I posted. I got, what I thought were negative responses to them, and found myself, Justifying? or trying to "come back" at them, with what amounted to nothing more, than justifying and debateing with the individuals involved.

I found some satisfaction in going back and forth with them, and tried my best not to post anything that would really offend anyone. I know in the past, I would have "laid into them" with "witty words" that would have been meant to demean or ridicule. I know that I still get sarcastic but I really believe that I participated in these threads, just to have some fun. (At others expense?) I'm not sure.

When I was in my active addiction, there was nothing I enjoyed more, than to argue. I could argue about something, even if I knew I was wrong. I think that I did this, just to show the other person they were wrong (even if they weren't, lol), or to find ways to justify my own opinions.

I know that I've changed positively in these old behaviours, but I realize that their still inside me to some extent, with my argumentive nature.

What about you all? Do you enjoy a good arguement or debate? Can it be fun, or does it end up hurting someone else, in some manner or way?

Milkman

Monday, November 15, 2010

How I got to recovery

How I got to recovery

My getting into recovery, clean and sober, came about by many events happening in my life, but came to a head by one BIG one. My wife calling the cops on me. That was the event that eventually turned my life around 180.

As with most of us, I blamed my incarceration on HER. Who did she think she WAS, calling the police on ME, Ha!!

The day was October 29, 2000. I was driving a 1972 blue Volkswagen, and had been drinking for several days. I was temporarily reunited with my wife, who had divorced me 4 years earlier. She was giving me another chance to prove that I could go without the booze and drugs. Reckon, I didn’t make it very long. There were times that I could go a day or two, with just one or two beers, but eventually, I just drifted right back on drinking as much as I could consume. If I didn’t drink when she got home at night from work, I got up extra early, so I could have 3 or 4 beers BEFORE I left for work. Lunch time found me speeding up to the bar to consume 3 or 4 screwdrivers as quickly as I could. Once again, I had no control over alcohol, even with the threat of losing my wife once again.

I had already been to prison 4 or 5 times, and county jails, so many times, I lost count. NOTHING could take the obsession to drink away from me. I was psychologically and physically dependent on booze. My life was unmanageable.

That day, 10 years ago, I was mentally and physically abusing my wife, and didn’t even realize it. My thinking was that I needed another drink, and would do anything to get it. She wouldn’t give me the money that I gave her to pay the bills, imagine THAT! So, in order to protect herself, she called the cops on me. I had enough faculties about me, or should I say, stupidity left, that I left the premises. But, obsessed as I was, I just HAD to drive back by the apt. to see if she really HAD called them. SHE HAD!! SHE POINTED ME OUT TO THEM!! THEY SAW ME AND WHAT I WAS DRIVING!!! I DROVE OFF QUICKLY!! THEY CAUGHT ME!!!

That day brought on a new beginning for me. There were many things that happened to me during the time that elapsed from that day, until I was released from the program that I eventually ended up at. That, is another story.

Anyone else like to share how they got into recovery? Post a comment here or at the group: http://www.milkmanscircle.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=11491

You will need to register at the group to access the Discussion Boards.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Milkman’s Birthday Thoughts and thanks

Milkman’s Birthday Thoughts

Thanks to everyone that wished me a happy birthday.

Ya know, when ya gets to be my age, you don’t really relish the idea of having another birthday, lol. When we’re kids, we just can’t wait, as we start growing up, we wait for our birthdays so that life will reward us with more privileges that life and society has to offer. Becoming a legal adult, being able to get a drivers license, a marriage license, the privilege (?) to drink legally and many others, depending on what part of the world you may be from.

Most of the folks that are on my friends list here on FB are in recovery, or connected to recovery, as those are the folks that I’ve added and those are the folks that I can identify with and feel comfortable sharing recovery with. If some of you aren’t recovering or even active addicts or alcoholics, bear with me. I’m trying to learn how to live without the aid of mind altering substances. Your comments on my posts and shares are always welcomed.

Being an addict/alcoholic in recovery, all those “legally to do’s” above, I abused and misused to the full extent of my being. You see, I’m not just addicted to drugs and alcohol, but to life itself and everything that it contains. There is no “just one”, no “take it easy” for me in anything. I always want MORE! MORE!!! I wanted more birthdays so that I could go out and “celebrate” more.

On my 18th birthday, a friend of mine and me got drunk and drove around in the rain. He being an alcoholic also, put us driving in the rain, drunk, and ending up in a car wreck in Redwood City. We showed’em! We’re adults now, lol. He broke his nose on the steering wheel; my head went thru the windshield and back, ending up with over 80 stitches. He rear ended a woman that was pregnant, and by the grace of God, she didn’t lose the child, and we didn’t lose our lives. I lost about 2 pints of blood, had my head bandaged like a turban, but that didn’t stop me from going out the next night and drinking a half pint of vodka, and getting “shit faced” due to the lack of blood in my body. I should of known then? that I had a problem?

Thru the years, there were many more episodes that ended up with negative results while celebrating my birthdays. Many birthdays were spent behind bars, but most ended up with me passing out from excessive “celebration”.

In closing, I have to say, that I missed out on a lot of memories of my birthdays and a large part of my life due to alcohol and drugs. These last 10 years, clean and sober, leave me with GOOD memories. I don’t find the need or urge to celebrate these days, only the need to be grateful for each day that I’m allowed to spend here on this earth. The gratitude to take that first breath in the morning, the gratitude to be able to remember what happened last night, and of course, as most of us can say, knowing where my car is, lol.

I’m 64 today, but sure don’t feel it in my mind. Probably due to growing up at such a late stage in my life. I was 53 years old when I got clean and sober, and what a difference a day makes. The incarceration “breaks” every couple of years might have something to do with my physical well being and health. I sure didn’t give my body a break when I was drinking and using, that’s for sure.

Hope you all are smarter than I, at an earlier age. You’re worth it, all of you.

Thanks again to all, for the birthday wishes, and that will be my celebration for the day. (well, maybe some good old chocolate cake and ice cream might be in order, lol)

Have a great day everyone, I know I will.

Milkman Mike

Evil

Written by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series


Evil
The Sense of Unworthiness
The person we want most to love us is our self. But when we attempt to bring love to oneself, perhaps through a meditation in which we cultivate this quality or in the course of our most ordinary day, we discover that we sometimes think we don't deserve it. We see self-doubt arising to block this love, an interference which we realize is usually present to some degree almost all of the time. It's a sense of unworthiness, it seems, that comes out of our being talked out of, trained out of, conditioned out of trusting our natural Being. It is the result of being turned away from ourselves, taught to distrust ourselves. An over-simplified example is that as children, toddling across the floor, we may have had the experience of needing to urinate, so we did. And Mommy or Daddy may have come up and said, "Oh no! That's wrong, don't do that!" But we didn't do anything; we just peed. It's just something that naturally came about through us. But, somehow, it was "wrong." It caused us to increasingly question or naturalness. As we grow older, we learn to take care of ourselves, to be responsible. We are encouraged to be someone special, to be praiseworthy, to be outstanding. And in the course of learning how to reinforce our separateness, it's quite natural that most of us as children at some time lie or steal. We may lie to protect our "specialness," to suit some image of what we are supposed to be, to disguise our natural waywardness, to be someone we're not, just as sometimes we may steal to feed ourselves what we wish we already had.
The child is told not to lie or not to steal, but never told how not to lie and not to steal. Our naturalness is accused. Our distrust in ourselves is reaffirmed by the feeling that we're the only ones who ever lied or ever stole, that there's something basically wrong with us. There is within us, much of the time, that critical judging voice commenting on what we're doing and how we're doing it, pointing out that we're not coming up to par, not being worthy of love. We have somehow come to think that it's not appropriate to love ourselves - that we're not worthy of self-love because we have lost our natural love of ourselves, our natural self-respect. Interestingly enough, it's the sense of unworthiness which maintains ego! We don't have to battle or crush the ego. Much of what we see as ego-motivation comes from a sense of unworthiness. When the sense of unworthiness falls away, there is a good deal less ego to support. The ego is not an entity out to conquer to world; much of the momentary grasping we call ego is a compensatory mechanism trying to disprove unworthiness. It's not so much trying to appear great as trying not to seem a fool. Being someone special, we suspect, will compensate for this inadequacy, will show that we are really okay.
When we let go of that unworthiness, when we forgive ourselves for even that, then no one is trying to prove anything. Then the whole ego structure starts to crumble, and opens itself to love and self-acceptance. When self-judgment comes up, we try gently to let go of it. The next thought might be, "Oh, I can't do that, that's self-indulgence. I mustn't let myself get away with that!" which is more of that belief that we have to control ourselves, that we can't trust ourselves. Our feeling of distrust in our natural Being has gained such potency, and has been supported by so much of society, that many will agree wholeheartedly that we mustn't trust ourselves. There is so much distrust in our natural Being that many people are convinced that they are by nature, evil. That's the sense of unworthiness that I spoke of in relation to the judging mind. People who feel this look at the hindrances in the mind - the greed and the desires, the "stuff" we all work with, the anger, the self-centeredness - and say, "Look at that awful stuff. Can I trust a mind that's got all that in it?" But when we suggest that these hindrances are encouraged by such aversion and fear, that one may let go of this conditioned mind and let the natural wisdom arise, they say, "I can't let go of control - I've got to keep the screws on or I'll really blow it." Actually, our sense of unworthiness causes us to reinforce those negative qualities. And, since all of those qualities encourage further separation, it makes us feel even more unloved and unlovable, and makes contact with ourselves and others, yet more difficult. We can treat thoughts of unworthiness just like any other quality of mind, coming and going, as it will in response to certain conditions. It's just another moment in the mind. It's just another part of the passing show. We can trust ourselves and the power of awareness to penetrate to a clear comprehension of the truth. All our trying to change, thinking we have to do something about how and who we are comes mostly from a sense of unworthiness, a sense of personal distrust. Even now a lot of us are saying, "Yes, but....." That's just more of the same. We let go of our sense of unworthiness not by submitting it to the ax or trying to control or suppress it, but by giving it enough room to see its own workings. A sense of unworthiness does not make us unworthy. We are worthy of letting go of our unworthiness. If we did nothing but practice letting go of unworthiness, much of the stuff we're working so hard to clear away would have no support system! We would have more room to grow. Consciously we surrender unworthiness as it arises, not entertaining it with the ego's list of credits. The work which will awaken us is that of becoming keenly aware of unworthiness without judging it. Gently, with patience and a lot of love, we acknowledge the Being we really are.
Is evil real? Now is the time to present an important paradox: If you are worried about being evil, you most likely are not evil. True evil does not allow for self-doubt or self-examination.
Are "evil" and being "bad" the same thing? No. We can and will do bad things - inappropriate, uncaring, pain-filled behaviors - because we are human and therefore not perfect. These behaviors do not define us as evil people. This mistake is similar to guilt - over generalizing from a behavior to the whole. If we choose to continually commit behaviors which are painful to others and to ourselves, we may become evil. An examination of conscience is required to let us know when to stop, when to change, and when to make amends. If we continue along doing damage to ourselves and to others without questioning our behaviors and if we refuse to acknowledge that we may be doing harm, then we are vulnerable to becoming evil.
The underlying assumption of the theory behind self-esteem is that "we are good". Lacking a conscience does not mean evil; rather it means sickness or handicap, in much the same way that lacking a limb means a handicap. The nature of evil implies choice. We cannot choose or be held responsible for choice if we do not have the necessary qualifications for making that choice. Evil can be defined as choosing not to do good. It most often is seen in those who put all their energy into looking "good" and choose not to examine themselves. Evil requires the opposite of self-esteem - there can be no exploration of the self, no responsibility for the consequences, and no acceptance of the ability to do wrong. Interestingly, the externalizations which occur in the circular process of guilt can be conducive to becoming evil. it is easy to imagine and evil person expressing guilt but never changing, doing evil and blaming others. The safest way to avoid evil is to practice self-esteem and recognize that we are all imperfect.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Substance Disorders

Article written by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series

PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCE USE DISORDERS
Psychoactive substance use disorders deal with symptoms and maladaptive behavioral changes associated with more or less regular use of psychoactive substances that affect the central nervous system. There are ten classes of psychoactive substances that often are used in maladaptive ways: alcohol, amphetamines or similarly acting sympathomimetics; cannabis; cocaine; hallucinogens; inhalants; nicotine, opioids; phencyclidine (PCP) or similarly acting arylcyclohexylamines; and sedatives, hypnotics, or anxiolytics.

Substance use disorders come in two varieties: abuse (the milder of the two) and dependence. Substance abuse is diagnosed in clients who do not meet the criteria for dependence (on the same substance) and who have demonstrated a pattern of continued use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, occupational, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the use of the psychoactive substance or recurrent use in situations in which use is physically hazardous (e.g., driving while intoxicated), for at least one month (or repeatedly for a longer period of time).

Dependence is diagnosed if the client has met at least three of the following criteria for at least one month (or repeatedly for a longer period of time): (1) using the substance more than intended; (2) persistently wanting the substance or making unsuccessful efforts to control substance use; (3) spending a great deal of time related to the substance (for example, recovering from intoxication); (4) manifesting intoxification or withdrawal that interferes with normal activities, or intoxication that involves physically hazardous use; (5) limiting activities as a result of the substance use; (6) continuing to use the substance despite awareness that it is causing difficulties; (7) showing clear signs of tolerance; (8) having withdrawal symptoms; (9) using the substance to relieve or avoid withdrawal.

In diagnosing a psychoactive substance use disorder, the clinician would specify the substance involved and indicate whether there is abuse or dependence and, if there is dependence, the severity of the condition (for example, "alcohol dependence, moderate). Substance use disorders, then, do not necessarily entail longstanding and pervasive impairments; in fact, most people who abuse drugs or alcohol are employed and have families. Nevertheless, the substance use has a powerful negative impact on the users as well as on the people who are close to them. The problem is particularly prevalent among young adults. Many causes have been suggested to explain substance use disorders: biological, cultural, environmental, interpersonal (social, familial), and intrapersonal (developmental, cognitive, affective), but no conclusive explanation has been found yet for these disorders.

The search for an addictive personality has not been a particularly fruitful one, although some researchers believe there are personality patterns that predispose people toward substance abuse. I suggest that people with problems of substance abuse have been hurt by significant others and that those who are orally addicted had particular problems with their families (considerable evidence indicates that this is particularly so if they had problems with their mothers.) People who abuse substances experience lifelong anxiety, seek a sense of identity, and are depressed and dependent. I believe they engage in avoidant behavior and are often suspicious and guilt ridden. To some extent, these behaviors may stem from their efforts to conceal their substance abuse from others and to defend their use of drugs and alcohol. People who use drugs or alcohol to excess may have learned to cope by lying to others or by placating or abusing others; and these patterns may be carried into recovery.

Approximately two-thirds of those with substance use disorders have another coexisting disorder, most commonly depression. Some of the coexisting disorders are preexisting conditions; others were initiated or worsened by the substance use. People with a family history of alcohol abuse are particularly likely to have coexisting disorders. This pattern is difficult to treat because it becomes a vicious cycle: the substance abuse worsens the coexisting disorder, which, in turn, increases the client's tendency to use drugs or alcohol as a form of self-medication for the coexisting disorder. Also, the substance use often masks the symptoms of the underlying disorder, further complicating the treatment/recovery picture.
Suicide and suicidal ideation are frequent in people who abuse substances and seem to increase as the abuse increases. The possibility of suicide is of particular concern because substance abusers have an available lethal weapon, drugs and alcohol, and the combination of intoxication and depression may lead them to turn a binge into a suicide attempt. With multiple substance abuse becoming increasingly the norm, suicide becomes easier via a mixture of drugs (such as alcohol and tranquilizers). Often suicidal "attempts" are actually a cry for help - but the "attempt" can, by mistake, turn into an actual suicide.

Therapist who treat these disorders take an active role in the therapy and avoid the more traditional analytical models initially, which do not seem effective in treating substance abuse (at least until the person becomes stabilized). Most therapists are caring yet firm and realistic with substance abusing clients. I think therapists must also be comfortable with limit setting and confrontation. Life and death situations presented by many substance abusers requires the therapist to exert external control and even coercion, breaking confidentiality if necessary when the client's life is in danger.

Therapists who work with substance-abusing clients must be prepared to deal with resistance, hostility, manipulativeness, and deception. They also need to handle appropriately their own reactions to client's reluctance to change, continuing to communicate empathy and acceptance to even the most hostile and resistant clients. While these behaviors are certainly not descriptive of all clients seeking help for substance use, they are common among these clients. One of the challenges facing the therapist is the reversal of these patterns and the development of an honest relationship even when a part of you wants to kick them in the ass.

An important difference between drug abuse and alcohol abuse is that most abused drugs are illegal. Consequently, although alcohol clients also may have legal difficulties if they are arrested for driving while intoxicated, drug abusers often are involved in serious crimes and devote extensive time and energy to obtaining the funds needed to purchase drugs. Many clients with drug abuse problems come to therapy involuntarily on a court referral and may be suspicious, guarded, and resentful.

Many of those who abuse drugs have problems with impulse control in other areas and resemble clients with impulse control disorders. Adolescent drug users, in particular, seem to have a high susceptibility to boredom along with a high need to take risks and seek excitement. Men are more likely to abuse illicit drugs; women are more likely to abuse prescription drugs. Those who abuse prescription drugs tend to be dependent, shy, anxious, and socially isolated or obesity precipitated the drug use.

There may be an association between personality traits and preferred drug. Heroin addicts tend to be childlike yet distant and to have one parent who is punitive or distant and one who is over involved. Opioid users tend to be apathetic, egocentric, narcissistic, easily bored and frustrated, and have difficulty with authority. I've found that most opiate addicts have at least one coexisting emotional disorder, most often major depression, alcoholism, antisocial personality disorder, dysthymia, or an anxiety disorder. They are also likely to come from lower socio-economic groups. Female heroin addicts often have a history of incest. Those who abuse amphetamines are also often coping with underlying depression. Amphetamine users may be depressed and suicidal when they are not on drugs; when they are on drugs, they may have symptoms resembling a paranoid psychosis. In addition, people who abuse amphetamines tend to be agitated and suspicious, and frequently have little sense of direction. Some studies have found a correlation between cocaine abuse and a high incidence of depressive and bipolar disorders. Cocaine use, itself, can cause anxiety and suspiciousness as well as temporary energy and self-confidence; and some people may use cocaine to relieve depression. Barbiturates tend to be abused by people who feel tense, anxious, and inadequate. Barbituates are highly addictive and are probably the most frequent cause of drug-related deaths. Chronic marijuana users tend to be passive, lacking in ambition, and prone to depression, suspiciousness, and panic or anxiety attacks. Polydrug abusers tend to be young, venturesome, apathetic, and depressed; to have social problems; and to engage in antisocial behavior. They are often dependent and have confused values and poor problem-solving skills. They seem to be particularly troubled.

Although there is not the clear pattern of genetic transmission that is seen in alcoholism, families of drug abusers have a high incidence of impulse control problems, are conflict ridden and enmeshed, have particularly strong mother-child connections, and are troubled with issues of death and loss. Antisocial behavior and alcoholism are often found in these families, as are high levels of marital disruption, inconsistency, and emotional disorder. The drug abuser was often the favorite child and had an important role in maintaining the family.

Therapy with substance-abusing clients usually will be structured and behaviorally oriented, with abstinence being the goal. Contracts can be useful in affirming that goal and in specifying steps clients can take when they feel the desire for drugs or alcohol. For many clients, substance use is reinforced by a peer group; group counseling as well as self-help groups can counteract the influence of these peer groups. I use an eclectic approach to treatment. This approach emphasizes behavioral therapy, abstinence, and self-help groups. It also includes "genetic reconstruction," to help clients come to terms with the past, accept reality, and modify defenses. Finally, this approach makes use of interpretation and insight to help clients understand and manage feelings. I have also used aversive conditioning. I incorporate assertiveness training to develop social skills, cognitive therapy, and, in the later stages, existential therapy to promote a decision to establish a different lifestyle. In summary this approach results in: Admission, submission, restoration, and construction.

One common approach to treating substance abuse is "attack therapy" and is most commonly conducted in therapeutic communities staffed by paraprofessionals who are themselves recovering substance abusers. I believe that approach can promote insularity (a sort of closed community) and can increase clients' hostility, leading them to change in order to placate others rather than out of internal motivation. There are those who apparently react well to this kind of treatment. Most do not.

Self-help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are almost always part of the treatment plan for substance abuse and become the central ingredient of most aftercare programs. Auxiliary groups, such as Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics, help family members deal with the impact of the substance use on them and also show them how to encourage the recovery of the substance abuser.

Substance abuse, as well as relapse, is associated with stressful life events. To prevent a setback when things do not go well in client's lives, therapy should help them look realistically at their lives; make needed changes; and develop coping mechanisms, so that they are better prepared to deal with future stress. In addition, therapy should focus on any developmental or lifestyle deficits that may have resulted from prolonged substance abuse. Many clients need assistance with career development and job seeking, socialization and communication, parenting; developing drug-free leisure activities, and improving family relationships. (Much of the Discussion Topic message boards are dedicated to these subjects.) I have done and do a structural-strategic model of family counseling with substance-abusing clients and their families and suggest that multiple family therapy (including other families with similar difficulties) can be particularly helpful. If there is a coexisting disorder, in addition to the substance use disorder, treatment seems to be most effective in both problem areas when they are addressed through the treatment.

This recovery/support site, Dynamics Of Recovery, has gone to great lengths to include a largess of information and guidelines to help those in their sincere efforts to gain whole-person health. An enormous amount of work has gone into this endeavor, expecting absolutely nothing in return. Our hope is that our members use it as intended to improve their lives. The one thing I have little patience for or compassion with is "crap". If you have smoke to blow - blow it somewhere else. I have no need to impress you and I don't need you to impress me. I want you to actualize. I want you to become all you can be.

I have found on the MMPI that people who abuse alcohol tend to receive high scores on introversion, depression, and somatization; on the California Psychological Inventory, these people score high in imagination, intellectual ability, extroversion, passivity, instability, anxiety, and interpersonal undependability. Also, they tend to have little information on the physiological and interpersonal effects of their substance abuse. I have found that those who abuse alcohol tend to be immature, impulsive, and antisocial, and have poor coping skills and low self-esteem.

Males with alcohol problems often manifest antisocial behaviors and attitudes while women are often depressed and phobic. For women, the pathology seems to precede the alcoholism; the reverse is more common with men, except for those with antisocial personality disorder and panic disorder; about half of those who abuse alcohol are significantly depressed. They tend to be anxious, self-centered, and sensitive to stress; have interpersonal difficulties and poor ego strength; perceive themselves as having little control and few options; and overreact to failure. The alcohol abuser's personality is similar to that of the client with a borderline personality disorder. Many studies suggest that people who abuse alcohol have a range of associated difficulties - especially depression, low self-esteem, poor coping mechanisms, and interpersonal concerns. Whether these traits preceded or were consequence to the alcohol abuse is unclear, but what is clear is that therapy should go beyond establishing abstinence in clients who abuse alcohol or other drugs.

Dry Drunk

Dry Drunk

I've heard a few people ask what the term "Dry Drunk" means The following article seems to explain it very well. After reading it, it explained a few things to me that I wasn't aware of. I know that I've had feeling of being a "Dry Drunk", but after reading this, it makes me aware, that I'm going to have my ups and downs, and it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in that Syndrome. I've just got to deal with the day to day situations as best that I can. Hope this article explains what you may need to hear today.
It's a fairly long article, so maybe some of you may just want to comment on YOUR version of what a "Dry Drunk" is.
Milkman

Dry Drunk Syndrome

Sobriety will necessarily have its ups and downs, its good times and its bad times, if only because we live in a world which we are inseparably joined. One doesn't always sustain sobriety at the same level. There are fluctuations, shocks and setbacks which, when addressed within the context of the A.A. program, so not in themselves imperil the totality of one's sobriety. The Dry Drunk Syndrome is a term that should not be used as a catch-all when one has a bad day or a bump in life throws us for a while. Those are ups and downs that everyone experiences and shouldn't be labeled to be anything more than what they truly are. The Dry Drunk is a condition far more serious than the highs and lows of our day-to-day existence.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Change, as I see it

Change, as I see it
by Milkman Mike

This was a share I did in one of our online meetings a couple of years ago. It’s still how I feel today and thought I’d share it with ya all.


I picked "Change" as a topic tonight, because I guess I'm seeing a lot of it in my life today.

Things are changing in several different parts of my life, some of it I like and some of it I don't

There’s change in my home life, change in my work life, spiritual and in my life in the program

The dictionaries meaning of change is to exchange for or replace with another

to give a completely different form or appearance to; transform, to go from one phase to another

Of course there are other definitions but for ME, change is going from one level to another, or having things different than what they were

In my life, I have undergone many changes, in personality, spirituality, employment, relationships and much more

Some of these have had negative results and a few positive, lol

The last 6 years, I WILL have to say, there have been more positive than negative.

Reason being, I got CLEAN AND SOBER!!!

Some of the changes in my life might have seemed small, but when you put a lot of small changes together, you're able to be transformed into someone you never thought you could be

at least that’s the way it was and is for ME

To change, I had to WANT that change

want something different than what I’d been accustomed to, what I was sick and tired of

my life seemed like it was coming to an end before I got clean and sober

I had lost everything of value and then some

I had no pride, ambition, or self-respect left in my life.

I had lost my wife, family, home and all material things I had acquired in my life

I had hit the homeless shelter, and felt like a vagabond

I'm sure you've heard the expression "I was saved when they locked me up"

That's the way it was for me. Even though I had been in and out of jails and prisons ALL of my adult life,

the topping off the cake was in Oct. of 2000, when I was facing 5 years (once again) in prison

My wife had called the cops on me because of not living up to the promises I had made to stay sober

I had to humble myself and beg for a program, even though my thoughts were still on beating the system and the time duration of a lengthy prison sentence

They kept me in long enough so that I had time to acquire the tools to help me make the changes, and change I did

Even though I knew I need change, I didn't know how to go about it until I went thru the programs that were mandated on me

I learned to be open minded, honest with myself, and WILLING to change, something new to me

I had to realize that the things I had been doing, were not going to change, unless I changed the way I was doing them

LIVING LIFE! That's what I had been doing wrong!!

I didn't know HOW to live, without a drink or a drug in me

I had to have that drink in the morning to kick start my day

and once that first went down, there were many to follow for the day, not ending until late at night or until I passed out

I had to change my friends, my hangouts, what I did in my free time, and my way of thinking

I went to meetings and made new friends, and that’s where I hung out in the first couple of years

I did the 12 steps as they were suggested and kept going to meetings. This was a BIG change for me



As time went on, my desire to change from those old ways, got stronger

The forced changes I had made, were finally becoming habits and normal for me

It wasn't easy at first, because those little voices inside my head kept talking to me to go back out there

But the changes had affected my thinking and I remained clean and sober

Today, I’m looking forward to some changes that may or may not happen in the next couple of weeks. If they do, I’ll be ready for them, and if they don’t happen, then I’ll still be grateful for what I have

I think I’ve said enough, so I’ll give some of you others a chance to tell us about how change has affected you

Thanks

Milkman Mike

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Acceptance - by Milkman

Acceptance, in spirituality, mindfulness, and human psychology, usually refers to the experience of a situation without an intention to change that situation.
Acceptance does not require that change is possible or even conceivable, nor does it require that the situation be desired or approved by those accepting it.
Indeed, acceptance is often suggested when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk.
Thus someone may decide to take no action against a situation and yet be said to have not accepted it.
Now, I guess that’s where the serenity prayer comes into hand
God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference
When I was in my last program before I hit the streets, I fought acceptance HARD. I tried to analize the serenity prayer by saying, how do I KNOW what things I cannot change, if I don’t TRY?
Ah, but if I had looked at the last part of the prayer, I might have seen “and the wisdom to know the difference” lol
I guess for ME, that wisdom was slow in learning, but the longer I was in recovery, and did the things that were suggested, the wisdom started coming
I started to make better decisions on WHAT I could change and WHAT I could not
The wisdom taught me just how far I could go and what I could do to try and change some of those things
Now, that doesn’t mean I have to accept EVERYTHING. There are some things in life that I will NEVER accept
The only difference today is, I’ve learned to deal with those things, and handle or react to them differently
Acceptance of failure might be something that I can’t accept, unless I’ve exhausted every thing I know of to change that
Doesn’t mean I would like it, but it might be something that I would have to learn to accept
The one thing that I know I’ve accepted (and don’t really like), is that I’ll NEVER be able to drink again, if I wish to continue this life

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Approval

Written by Zentai from the series "Beyond the 12 Steps"

Approval

Needing approval is tantamount to saying "your view of me is more important than my own opinion of myself." You may be spending far too many moments to acquire the approval of others or in being concerned with some disapproval that you have encountered. If approval has become a "need" in your life, then you have some work to do.
You begin by understanding that approval seeking is a desire rather than a necessity. We all enjoy applause, compliments, and praise. It feels good when we are stroked. Who would want to give this up? Approval in itself is not unhealthy, in fact, adulation is pleasurable. However, approval seeking is a waste only when it becomes a need rather than a want. If you want the approval, you are simply happy to have the endorsement of other people, but if you need it, you are going to collapse if you don't get it. That is when the self-destructive forces move in.
Similarly, when approval seeking becomes a need, you give up a chunk of yourself to the outside person whose advocacy you must have. If they disapprove, then you become immobilized even if in a small way. So, you see in such a case you have chosen to wear your self-worth on your sleeve for someone to rub or not rub off as they see fit. In other words, you feel good inside only if they decide to administer praise to you. The need for approval of another person is bad enough but the real trouble comes with the need for approval of everyone for every act. Obviously, if you carry around such a need, as most chemically dependent people do, then you are bound for a great deal of misery and frustration in your life. Moreover, you will be incorporating a wishy-washy non-person self-image that will result in the kind of self-rejection that we are desperately working against.
The need for approval must go. No question marks. It must be eradicated from your life if you are going to gain personal fulfillment. Such a need is a psychological dead-end with absolutely no benefits accruing to you. It is impossible to go through life without incurring a great deal of disapproval. It is the way of humanity. The dues you pay for your aliveness are something that simply cannot be avoided. When approval-seeking is a need, possibilities for truth are all but wiped away. If you must be lauded and you send out those kinds of signals, then no one can deal with you straight. Nor can you state with confidence what it is that you think and feel at any moment. Your self is sacrificed to the opinions and predilections of others.
I suppose politicians are a class that fall into this category for approval-seeking. The end result is a lack of trust, as we know. Inevitably, they seem to speak out of both sides of their mouths, saying one thing to please group A and another to win the approbation of group B. There can be no truth if the speaker is shifty and moves around the issues with a skillful kind of maneuvering that is designed to please everyone. Behavior like this is easy to see in politicians but more difficult to see in others.
Perhaps you cooled it in order to placate someone or you find yourself agreeing with someone whose disfavor you fear. You knew you would be unhappy if you were censured, so you modify your behavior to avoid it. It's tough to handle rebuking and easier to adopt behavior that will bring approval but when you take this easy way you are making others' opinions of yourself more important than your own self assessment.. It's a vicious trap and a difficult one to escape in our society.
In order escape the trap of approval-seeking which gives others' opinions control over you, it is important to examine the factors that foster the approval-seeking need. Here is how it appears in our cultures: The need for approval is based on a single assumption. "Don't trust yourself; check it out with someone else first." Our culture is one that reinforces approval behavior as a standard of life. Independent thinking is not only unconventional; it is the enemy of the very institutions that constitutes the bulwark of our society. If you have grown up in this society, you have been affected by this attitude. You make someone else's opinion more important than your own, then if you don't get their approval you have every reason to feel depressed, unworthy, or guilty since they are important to you.
The bestowal of approval can also be a great manipulator. Your worth is lost on others and if they refuse to dole out their approval, you have got nothing. You are without worth, and so it goes. The more flattery you need, the more you can be manipulated by others. Any steps in the direction of self approval and independence of the good opinion of others are movements away from their control. As a result, such moves get labeled as selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, and the like in an effort to keep you dependent. To understand this vicious circle of manipulation consider the profusion of approval-seeking cultural messages which began when you were a child and which continue to bombard you today. It is important to recognize here that young children truly need acceptance from significant adults in their formative years, or what I call positive reinforcement. But remember that approval should not be contingent upon being proper, nor should a child have to get his parents' sanction for everything he says, thinks, feels, or does. Self reliance can be taught in the crib and approval seeking ought not be confused with love seeking.
In order to encourage freedom from the need of approval from adults; it is helpful to give the child an abundance of approval from the beginning.. But remember, if a child grows up to feel that he cannot think or act without first securing the permission of a parent, then the neurotic seeds of self doubt are planted early. Approval-seeking as a self defeating need is mentioned here as a child being conditioned to check it out with mother or dad rather than the very healthy sense of wanting the love and acceptance of a caring parent. Unfortunately, our culture teaches the child to rely on others rather than trusting his own judgment. Check out everything with Mommy or Daddy: what do I eat, when, how much, who can I play with, etc.
You can never escape disapproval. For every opinion you have, there is a counterpart out there with exactly the opposite view. Here are some examples of approval-seeking behavior. Like self-respect, approval-seeking encompasses a large category. Among the most common kinds of approval seeking activities are those detailed here:
1. Changing a position on what you believe because someone shows signs of disapproval
2. Sugar coating a statement to avoid the reaction of displeasure
3. Apple polishing in order to make someone like you
4. Feeling depressed or anxious when someone disagrees with you
5. Feeling insulted or put down when someone states a contrary statement to your own
6. Labeling someone a snob or stuck up which is just another way of saying "pay more attention to me"
7. Agreeing excessively and head nodding even when you don't agree at all with what is being said
8. Performing chores for someone and feeling resentful about not being able to say "no"
9. Being intimidated by a sharp sales person into buying something you don't want or fear taking it back because he won't like you
10. Apologizing for yourself at every turn with excessive "I'm sorries"
11. Behaving in non-conforming ways for the purpose of gaining attention, sort of like negative strokes, like wearing tennis shoes with your tuxedo, or eating a handful of mashed potatoes just to be noticed.
12. Being pathologically late. Here you can't help but be seen and it is an approval-seeking device and gets everyone to pay attention.
13. The list could go on and on
The following are the six payoffs for approval-seeking as a need:
1. Placing responsibility for your feelings on others if you feel the way you do, lousy, hurt, depressed, etc. because someone else doesn't approve of you, then they, not you, are responsible for how you feel
2. If they are responsible for you, you feel, because of withholding their approval, then any changes in you is almost impossible since it then becomes their fault that you feel the way you do. Thus approval-seeking helps you avoid changing.
3. As long as they are responsible and you can't change, you don't have to run any risks. Consequently, hanging on to approval-seeking is a way of life and will help you to conveniently avoid any risk-taking activities.
4. reinforcing a poor self image and therefore encouraging a self pity and do nothing-ism. If you are immune from the need for approval you are immune from self pity when you don't get it.
5. Reinforcing the idea that others must take care of you and, therefore, you can revert to the child in you and can be coddled, protected, and manipulated
6. Blaming others for what you are feeling, thereby creating a scape-goating effect for everything you don't like in your life. It's the same as projections demonstrating to yourself that you are liked by those others you like more than yourself, and thus feeling outwardly comfortable even though there is a cauldron of discontent seething inside of you. As long as the others are more significant, then the outward appearance is more important.
I could go on and on, but these neurotic payoffs are strikingly similar to the rewards for self hate. In fact, the treatment of avoiding responsibility - change and risk - is at the heart of all of self-destructive thinking and behaving. It is just plain easier, more familiar, and less risky to hang on to neurotic behaviors, approval-seeking being one of them.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

About Service

Written by Zentai in 2005 from the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series


About Service

Service:
Service is an attitude founded on the recognition that the world has supported you, fed you, taught you, tested you, whether or not you earned it. Understanding this simple truth can move you to do what you can to repay a foundless debt of gratitude. Service is both a means and an end, for in giving to others, you open yourself to love, abundance, and inner peace. You cannot serve others without uplifting yourself.
I first glimpsed the power of service as a therapist. At first, most of my attention was dedicated to myself - my progress, my problems - until I realized that I enjoyed helping others learn new elements even more than learning those elements myself. When I learned and acquired new knowledge, one person benefited; when I gave that to others, many could benefit. Years later, after a lengthy search for personal enlightenment, my exclusive self-focus again shifted to learning not only for my sake, but for the sake of others. Coincident with this shift, extraordinary masters and teachers began to appear in my life, and doors opened within me and in the world.
Submitting ourselves to the needs of others makes heroes of us all. There are countless ways to make a difference - like stopping to assist someone in need, reaching down to pick up a piece of litter, sharing your talents and energy with others in practical ways - this is what it means to be a part of the human family. Again, I repeat; you are not here to contact your higher self; you are here to become it. Serving those around you in the spirit of love becomes enlightenment.
We begin to serve our world by resolving the apparent contradiction between working on oneself and serving others, followed by a reflection on the gift of life; finding your calling; putting your money where your heart is; and how small, everyday acts can make a big difference in the world.
People think service is a kind of charity - strong people giving to weak people, healthy people giving to sick people, rich people giving to poor people, together people giving to people who aren't so together.
To me, true service is an experience of wholeness, fulfillment, fullness, self-reliance, and self-sufficiency for all parties - an experience of the magnificence and infinite capacity of human beings. When I'm really in service, I disappear. My identify is no longer present. I am one with he or she or that which I am serving. It is actually an experience of Spirit, of unity and wholeness. There is nobody giving and nobody receiving. None of that is happening. There is only an experience of unity. We begin to see that we are the expression of one soul. An act of service is an act of love and trust. It's also an act of responsibility and of courage - a stand for the integrity of human life.
Years ago, a single incident reconciled for me this apparent conflict between social activism and inner work. It happened during a period of intense spiritual growth work on myself - meditation, contemplation, visualization, and self-analysis. One afternoon in Osaka, Japan, as I was walking with an old man, Tanaka san, we came upon several large posters on the side of a building. One showed the gaunt faces of starving children; next to it was a plea to help oppressed people around the world; the third pictured the plight of endangered species.
"You know (speaking in Japanese, of course) , Tanaka san," I said, pointing to the posters, "I feel guilty, or selfish, doing all this work on myself when there are so many people in need-" Tanaka san stopped abruptly, turned to me, and said, "Take a swing at me." "What do you mean, take a swing at you?? Did you hear what I said?" "Come on," he urged, moving like a boxer, goading me. "I'll give you some yin if you can slap me on the face."
I figured this was some kind of test, so I took a swing - and found myself on the ground in a painful wrist lock. As Tanaka san helped me to my feet, he made this point. "You notice how effective the right leverage can be?" "Before you help others, you need to understand them. Before you can understand them, you need to understand yourself. Then you will know how to exert the right leverage at the right place and at the right time. The more clarity and courage your actions reflect, the more impact your efforts will have."
Ben Franklin once wrote, "God helps them that help themselves." As you transcend your own limitations and tendencies, you will naturally show loving-kindness to others.
Once you establish physical and spiritual sufficiency, and find enough free attention, self-worth, and will to cultivate a balanced, energized body; once you rise above the storms of mind and emotions to trust your intuition, meet your shadow and face your fears, embrace both your sexuality and your humanity, and awaken your heart - you will have nothing left to do, and nothing that gives you greater meaning or joy, than simple service. Let me be clear about something here. Being of service does not imply letting others "use" you, exploit you or take advantage of you.
Given that no one ever perfectly masters all the lessons, and that work in each lesson contributes to mastery of all others, ask yourself: How can I begin to share my energy, my talent, my heart with others? What would I choose to do if I were already whole and complete? How would I spend my time, my energy, my life? What will be my priorities?
A final day awaits us all. We may know in advance when our end is near, through declining health, a terminal illness, old age. Or we may have only a few seconds' notice, or none at all.
When the executioner raises his scythe, how many of us may want to say, "Wait! Just another moment, please! Let me take one more sweet breath! Give me one more sight, sound, touch my loved ones! Wait! Just one more moment!"
NOW is the time to see, to listen, to touch - bring our best to life while we have the life for it. How much we have, no one can say. Life itself is a near-death experience. Consider how we appear from nowhere, as microscopic specks on a minuscule, blue-green dot moving through the infinity of space and time. Our lives are ephemeral and brief, each of us one cell among billions on the planet, and yet we strive to love, to serve, to find meaning and fulfillment while we live. Life itself is a hero's journey. In this final lesson you have come full circle, in the sense that the action of service provides the ultimate means to establish a solid sense of self-worth, which, you have learned, can favorably impact every facet of your life - so much so that it is questionable whether the receiver or giver of service should offer the most thanks.
Some time ago, after finishing a lecture at a seminar, a woman came up to me and said in a voice so quiet I could hardly hear her, "Excuse me, could I have just a moment? I said yes and waited. It took her another moment to speak. "What you said - about little things make a big difference? Well I wanted you to know how a man's smile once saved a life - my life."
She had my attention as she continued. "I've always been shy. About four years ago I was also suicidal - I had made two half-hearted attempts, but I had decided I was going to do it once and for all. I didn't believe anyone cared whether I lived or died, so I didn't care, either. I was on the way home where I was going to do it, when I saw a man - a nice-looking man, walking in the opposite direction. I don't usually look at people, but in the state I was in, it didn't matter, so I looked at him and he looked back and smiled at me." She smiled as she said this. "He had a wonderful smile, and then he was gone.
"It sounds crazy, I know," she said, "but his smiling at me - it was something I wanted to hold on to for a while, so I - I didn't kill myself that day, or the next. Then I decided to stick around and get some help. Things are better now. I have a boyfriend I love a lot, and a job I like. I just wanted you to know that little things sure can make a difference. Oh, my name is Cheryl," she said, smiling.
Cheryl's story has a clear moral: Although a few of us have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, most of us don't have enough self-importance. We forget that people are watching us, learning from us, being affected and influenced by our example.
Few of us really understand how a kind word, a note to a waiter or waitress, the act of picking up some litter,, or flashing a smile can offer needed encouragement, lift someone's spirit, or make their day. And who knows? It might even save a life.

Friday, October 29, 2010

10 years clean and sober

October 29, 2010
10 years clean and sober

Today marks a milestone in my life. It was 10 years ago today that I had my last drink, my last drug, and my last Jail booking. Prior to that, I spent a lifetime seeking that next drink or drug, many times in jails, prisons and institutions. That journey saw me having negative impacts on everything and everyone I came in contact with. Today I am a different person, seeing the positive things in life, doing my best to help others, myself and family.

It took a long recovery program to get this addict clean and sober. I was “out there” for over 35 years, so it took 2+ years in programs and supervised recovery to get here (recovery).

In 1992, I found myself “walking” the “yard” in San Quentin State Prison. That in itself was a bad thing, but to make things worse, I was walking the yard with my 19 year old son. It was a joke in the prison, the “family affair” in prison. Yea, we laughed about it, but deep down, it was the ultimate degradation. My journey in the prison system continued until 2000, Oct. 29th, the end of a life of addiction and the beginning of a new life in recovery.

My “out there” years had taken everything about me, away. My family, wife, all material objects, my dignity and freedom.

I started my addiction at an early age, so as time went by in my life, I thought what I was doing was normal. I was so caught up in that life that I didn’t realize that life was passing me by and I didn’t have a clue what was really happening in the world about me.

As time passes in recovery, I look back at all the wasted time in my life and wished I could set the clock back. We all know that isn’t possible, so I have to accept that, and move forward in the now.

My early recovery after incarceration and the programs were spent attending many AA and NA meetings. I got into online recovery in 2004 and I’m sure that it had an impact on my staying clean and sober. I won’t go into detail on that at this time, just enough to say thank you to all those that I’ve come into contact online since. It’s given me responsibility, daily involvement in recovery and a whole lot of friends throughout the world.

I live life on life’s terms today, accepting the good with the bad. I do know that whatever negative things happen in my life, a drink or drug will not help solve anything. It can only make things worse. Dealing with the negative, clean and sober, gives me the opportunity to either, make better, solve, or accept the situation at hand. I wish I could say that everything is great, but I can only say that it is better. I accept that where I’m at today, is where I am, and probably where I should be. That doesn’t stop me from striving to be better though, and that is what I do today.

For those still “out there”, give yourself a break from your addiction or drinking and see what life is waiting to give to you. Try it………. You’ll like it, lol. If you don’t, you can go back to that life of misery.

Thanks to everyone that posted congrats to me, and thanks to all the emails I received from around the world today. My inbox has about 100 or so emails from folks in recovery. It’s nice to see positives things today and not the negatives that I lived most of my life. I have much more to say, but for now, I’ll leave it like this.

Have a great day everyone!!!

Milkman Mike
DOS 10-29-00

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Paradox

Written by Zentai in 2005

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Paradox
I often use the term paradox. The dictionary definition of paradox is: "A statement that seems contradictory, unbelievable or absurd but that may actually be true in fact. Something inconsistent with common experience." I can also add that an occurrence opposite from one's expectations is a paradox.
Everything about living well seems to be paradoxical to what we have been trained to believe. For example, we are trained to believe that it is wrong or dangerous to love ourselves and that no one else will love us if we do love ourselves. This is paradoxical because the better we are able to love ourselves, the more love we generate for others and the more love we receive from others. Likewise, the more we take care of our own needs and wants, the more others want to be around us and offer to help us. Incidentally, the more that you caretake others to the exclusion of yourself, which is what we have been trained to do, the more resentment we foster in both ourselves and in those being caretaken. Another paradox; the more secure you feel about yourself, the more open and vulnerable you can be around others, the more power others give you. We are taught that we have to defend and protect ourselves that we cannot appear vulnerable or others will take advantage of us. Actually, the opposite occurs.
The easiest and fastest way to understand paradox is through the use of humor. Laugh at yourself and with others. Do not take anything that seriously. It is all a game and we are all players. The best we can be occurs when we let go and have fun and play the game spontaneously. This is the paradox of life. Enjoy it.
I want to give you a glimpse of that which can't really be talked about!: the nature of truth and the Self. You must remember that language was not designed to express the truth and yet it is what we have to communicate with. In ordinary, everyday life, what people mean by the term "truth" is a position they believe in. This sort of "truth" mechanically gives rise to an opposite opposing position, so when you say "X" is right, that gives rise to the opposing position that "not-X" is right, with absolute reliability. It doesn't happen just sometimes; it happens each and every time you take a position. A position always calls into being its own opposition. This should give you a hint about what the truth is.
The truth, with respect to "X" and "not-X," is that "X" and "not-X" are both right and they are both wrong. The truth then is a context that contains the paradox of opposite position both being right and both being wrong. It happens that the mind is not capable of holding the truth as paradox. Therefore you cannot experience the truth with your mind, which is a right/wrong machine designed for survival of individuality. This all comes into clear focus in the realm of love and commitment. When you say "I love you" to someone, that automatically creates its opposite which may be "I don't love you" or "I hate you." As you can see, there is sometimes more than one opposite. So, if you are the carrier of "I love you" and you put it out as a position, it mechanically produces its opposite somewhere. That somewhere may be in the mind of the person you love from a position. What may come up in his/her mind is, "But I don't love you." In case they come up with the same position, "I love you," then you will become the carrier of "I don't love you." "I love you/I don't love you" is known as ambivalence. The only way you can avoid ambivalence is if the "love object" is willing to carry "But I don't love you." If both of you take the position”I love you," what will happen is that you both become the carriers of the opposing position. This inevitable condition of ambivalence calls into being commitment, if here is intention for the relationship to last. A relationship of”I love you / I don't love you" can be held in that context and both positions contribute to the context. The outcome is that "I don't love you" is a validation of the context of love in which it is held and powers the relationship. Creating a context of love, that is, being your Self, or the Self, means a willingness to put your very existence on the line in the form of commitment. You must see that love cannot be maintained, has never been maintained, will never be maintained, from the level of the mind. Here is what you "can" do about it: develop the "intention" to have your relationship work. Out of your intention, in the condition of integrity, comes a naturally created "commitment". It is simply there, not as a concept, but as a natural, living, spontaneous commitment. Obviously then, integrity and intention are the qualities you must uncover in your Self if you want relationships that work.
So, here is how to accomplish it all. Life works well if you if you simply do what is appropriate with the fundamentals of intention and integrity. What is appropriate to this fundamental level is: (1) tell the truth, all of it, at all times, and (2) be absolutely true to your ideals until you realize that your ideals are actually your blocks in life. At that point they will become your former ideals. After that, you simply do what works. Fundamentally, what works is to tell the truth, all of it, at all times. This brings you back to the truth as paradox. The truth is that "I love you / I don't love you" and ”I am committed to you / I am not committed to you" exist at all times, side by side, in the same space of the Self. If you really get this at the level of unity of being, it becomes unimportant who is carrying which position at any given moment. The Self is the only context large enough to contain a working love relationship between two people. The path to the Self is communication. If you have no intention of your relationship working you will avoid communication. When and if you get beyond avoidance of communication, you will have to confront the truth as paradox. Your positional mind won't like it that you also contain the opposite position. Nevertheless, the truth "is" paradox and only the truth works. To get the truth as paradox, you have to check back into your life and be your Self.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Taking care of business

I've just finished getting together numerous paperwork for the State Tax Board, as I'm trying to reduce a monthly payment on taxes incurred in the 1980's due to my irresponsible actions (non-actions would be more like it, lol). I sent all this info 3 months ago and just heard from them this week saying that the material I sent had been "lost" "misplaced" or something like that. (Our government at work).
Anyway, I'm doing my part to try to get a resolution on this, and I know that if I were still drinking, I would just pass it off. I've paid 10 fold of the original tax bills thru the years with interest, penalties and such and hoping to get it resolved. Wish me luck, lol.
I'm hoping to get it resolved before Meg Whitman (if she does) fills the govenor seat. I doubt she'll let ANYONE off the hook. Business is business, lol.

Just some thoughts from the Milkman, have a great day all.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Downer Feelings

Downer Feelings
An article created by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series

Downer Feelings

Why do I need you to love me in order to like myself?
A day in a life: Tina always gets up an hour before her husband, Ernie, so that she can have the bathroom to herself while she gets ready for work. She never allows Ernie to see her without her war paint and hairstyle intact. And she doesn't dare risk his anger if he's unable to use the bathroom when he wants. As she slips quietly out of bed, she tugs her nightgown down hastily, just in case her husband awakes. If he should see those extra pounds around her waist, there would be trouble. Later, at work, Tina overhears her boss refer to her as his "girl." She is annoyed but says nothing. At a meeting on a department project, a colleague presents a proposal as entirely her own, although Tina did a substantial share of the groundwork. She doesn't mention her contribution because she's worried about offending this woman, whose position is higher than her own.
A typical day in Tina's life may seem farfetched, but it is only a slight exaggeration of the way many of us live our lives. Day after day, our time and energy are devoted to the futile search for the behavior that will ensure we will be liked. Approval craving might seem like a strong term, but only a powerful word such as "craving" adequately describes the powerful hold this need has on so many people. And the need masks a genuine terror of rejection. Many, perhaps most, of us "must" have others love us before we can ever begin to like and accept ourselves. Over concern with what people think of you and the accompanying fear of rejection can create a life based on decisions made strictly to guarantee acceptance. Extreme approval cravers dress to please, and smile no matter what. They avoid saying what they really think. It is as if a censor is working overtime in their heads, editing and reediting the material they are willing to share with others. Some people have strong approval needs in more-specific situations. Like many of us, they are not bothered by disapproval fears most of the time. But in certain specific situations, they become overwhelmed with the need to please and be liked and in the process they easily become possessive and jealous. Their philosophy is: "Where is your ass so I can plant my lips on it."
Connie, a bank loan officer, is extremely assertive on the job. She is never plagued by worries about rejection when she turns down an applicant for a loan. Yet with her steady boyfriend, Dudly Do Right, she's a mess, always hovering about, anxious to please him and trying to anticipate his every need. If she fails, she's afraid he might not marry her and she wouldn't be able to find another man. Crap. Do you crave approval? As you look through your answers to these questions, be honest with yourself. Find the patterns in your own behavior.
• Are you inappropriately compliant with your supervisor?
• Have you slipped into workaholism in order to assure acceptance?
• Do you engage in backstabbing or scapegoating of other, more vulnerable workers in order to enhance your position?
• Do you experience inappropriate levels of anxiety when asking for a raise or making any other reasonable work request?
• Do you avoid approaching people who might be desirable to meet, because you are convinced they will not find you acceptable?
• Are you too open too soon with new acquaintances in the hope of winning them over?
• Do you make yourself look bad if you feel a friend is jealous of something you have?
• Are you afraid to tell a friend what you really think of his/her inappropriate behavior toward you?
Is all that stuff normal? If you define normal as the norm, then the answer to this would be yes! It is normal to see insecurity, envy, arrogance, greed, possessiveness, depression, etc., in almost all of the people that we know. Many of our dysfunctional traits and states are what we commonly call "the human condition." Perhaps it would be more appropriate to call many of our ailments the result of the training or programming we learned or were conditioned to. Too many of us have been excellent students of an inappropriate and faulty system for coping and living well.
We have been taught that we are our feelings and that we are not responsible for the way we are feeling. We excuse inappropriate behaviors by saying things like, "Oh well, you know how upset he is" or "It's not her fault because she's having a bad time." We have been trained to believe that our feelings control us, that other people's behaviors control us and that our reactions are not under our own control. How often we hear or say, "You are making me angry" or “What you are doing is making me jealous" or "I can't be angry at them because they can't help themselves" or "The world is making me depressed because nothing is working the way I want it to." There are literally thousands of examples similar to these in which our responsibility for our actions or feelings is given to someone or something outside of our control.
The model of”you are what you do" not only implies that you should be able to control your destiny but that you should also be able to control others around you so that you can achieve your goals. It does not teach us how to control ourselves and it does not teach us what our responsibilities are.
If your goal is to be balanced, to act responsibly, to let go of the craziness of life, to learn self-esteem and practice social interest, then you will find small comfort in being one of the many miserable people in the world. Misery may love company but how many of us love misery - particularly when it is unnecessary. Unnecessary pain is the pain that results from own insecurity. Insecurity is not a necessary condition of the human adult. It hampers maturity. Possessiveness, jealousy, and depression, along with a host of other ailments, are not necessary nor do they serve any positive purpose except to confirm what excellent students we have been. There is enough real pain in the world that cannot be conquered. There is no need to make more pain. By learning to be secure with ourselves, we can eliminate the unnecessary pains, the "trauma dramas" of everyday life.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Fairness

This aritcle was written by a man known as Zentai to the online recovery community.



Fairness


If the world were so organized that everything had to be fair, no living creature could survive for a day! The birds would be forbidden to eat worms and everyone's self interests would have to be served. We are conditioned to look for justice in life and when it doesn't appear we tend to feel anger, anxiety, or frustration. Actually, it would be equally productive to search for the Fountain of Youth or some such myth. Justice does not exit! It never has, and it never will. The world is not put together that way. Robins eat worms. Spiders eat flies, that's not fair to the flies.

You only have to look at nature to realize there is no justice in the world. Tornado's, floods, tsunami, droughts are all unfair. It's a mythological concept, this justice business. The world and the people in it go on being unfair every day. You can choose to be happy or unhappy but it has nothing to do with the lack of justice or fairness you see around you. This is not a sour view of humanity and the world but rather an accurate report of what the world is like.
Justice is simply a concept that has almost no applicability, particularly as it pertains to your own beliefs about fulfillment and happiness. But too many of us tend to demand that fairness be an inherent part of our relationships with others. We say things like "It isn't fair. You have no right to do that if I can't." Or, "Would I do that to you?" We seek justice and use the lack of it as a justification for unhappiness. The demand for justice is not neurotic behavior. It only becomes an immobilization when you punish yourself with a negative emotion as you fail to see evidence of the justice that you so futily demand. In this case the self defeating behavior is not the demand for justice but the immobilization that may result from "no justice reality".

Contradictorily, our culture promises justice. Politicians refer to it in all their campaign speeches, yet day after day, century after century, the lack of justice continues. Poverty, war, pestilence, crime, prostitution, dope and murder persist generation after generation in public and private life, and if the history of humanity can be used as a guide, they will continue. Therefore, injustice is a constant, but you in your infinite new esteem can decide to fight that injustice and refuse to be seduced into being emotionally immobilized over it. You can work at helping to eradicate injustice and you can decide that you won't be psychologically defeated by it.

The legal system promises justice. The people demand justice and some of them even work to make it happen, but generally it doesn't. Prisons are full of poor people - not as many with money, power, and position. You know that. Those with money are not convicted; judges and policemen are often bought off by the powerful. A President and Vice President are pardoned and wrist slapped for obvious felonies. The poor people in the jails have next to no chance of beating the system. It's not fair, but it's true. The demand for justice may infiltrate your personal relationships and prevent you from communicating effectively with others. The "It's not fair" slogan is one of the more common and destructive laments made by one person against another. In order for you to consider something unfair you must compare yourself to another individual or group of individuals.

The reality that life is not fair seems to be one of the most difficult and painful concepts for people to accept. Perhaps the reason for this is that our western linear model implies that it is a fair world and if you work hard enough and long enough, you will achieve your goals. Perhaps the ideals behind the creation of our cultures, the values of equality and fairness for all, have led us to assume that this is the way the world should work. Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that we want the world to be fair. We want to be able to depend on something concrete and we want some guarantees for our safety, security, and well-being. The fact that these guarantees do not exist does not stop us from wanting them. Many of our defense mechanisms, our illusions, and our denials have to do with not accepting the fact that life is unfair. It is not sad; it is just one of life's truths.

Life is not fair because "fairness" is a value judgment. This means that what is fair is subjective - it changes according to who is rating what and when and why. What is fair to me today may no longer be fair tomorrow or in different circumstances or around different people.. An example: the promotion that I worked hard for but was given to you is not fair to me but very fair according to your perspective. And even if you agree with me that it was not fair, next month you will justify the fairness of it by believing you are doing a good job.

The importance of the concept that life is not fair is not in the explanation of it but in the acceptance. The question, "Why not?" is a crazy-making one. There will always be reasons why life should be fair to you and you may spend hours defending, denying, fighting, or being depressed because something unfair has happened again. The big issues of unfairness, the life-and-death issues, will never be explained in a way that makes sense. There is no answer to the why question when someone you love is dying. We may know the how - cancer, heart disease, another disease, accident - but we will never know the why. And pondering the why causes dysfunctional behavior. This is a very different process from accepting and grieving. Grief eventually ends; it is a natural process. Wondering why may never end; it is unproductive. At some point, we must let go of the why, accept the reality, and get on with the living.

Trying to make the world fair is both destructive and self-defeating. Many good-natured people run around trying to fix the unfairness of it all. Some of these we call codependents, some are living martyrs. Codependents and living martyrs tend to be filled with anger, resentment, envy, and insecurity. The nonacceptance of this concept creates bitterness, unhappiness, and unnecessary pain and prevents the possibility of growth. This is truly not fair!

The paradox here is that the acceptance of the reality that life is unfair often leads to behaviors which are more objective, more loving and caring, and more realistic than the behaviors of the non accepting. These accepting ones are often perceived as more "fair" than those who are trying to force the world to be fair.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Good Sunday morning

Up a bit late this morning and ready to start the day. A couple of chores to do before the rain (if it comes, lol). Took a ride on a mountain road yesterday and ended up 35 miles from home, lol. Got behind a Mercedes SUV that was going 5 mph with no where to pass for about 15 miles. Very frustrating but learned a little more patience in the process.

Have a great day all

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A MASTER

Article written by Zentai, in the series "Beyond the 12 Steps"

A MASTER


Perhaps you have wondered how people come to experience themselves as "master" in their lives. The answer is simple: they consider it to be so true that no proof is required!

I am going to describe two ways of experiencing life and then tell you the most fundamental determinant relating to which way you happen to be in. The first one is that of practicing to be a master, although you probably call it by some other set of words. Nevertheless, you will recognize the description. The events of life are organized into a pattern of "struggling" for mastery without completion of the experience of your mastery. Your experience resembles the age-old riddle of trying to reach a wall by successively taking half the distance to the wall with each step. No matter how close you come to the wall, you never reach it. There are always an infinite number of steps left to reach the wall. In the experience of your life, likewise, there seem to be an infinite number of steps left until you reach the condition of master of the experience of your life. It is always just beyond: with that just right job, that just so relationship, those perfect friends whom you haven't met yet, that new car you think will complete your experience of mastery. Yet, as each new circumstance is completed, you notice that the experience of satisfaction isn't quite all there. Something is missing and you can't quite put your finger on it. No matter what you do, that's not it.

The other way of experiencing life is that of master. Exactly the same conditions and events prevail; however, it is all incorporated into the way of a master practicing life. Difficult situations still befall you; however, they become a contribution to your enrichment. At all times you feel whole and complete, and everything that happens in your life validates your wholeness and your completeness. This experience extends to your relationships as well. Your spouse or parent may express hostility and rejection toward you and you take that into your experience in such a way that it validates the worth of the other person as well as your own worth. Or, if they are not communicative, that is taken into your experience in such a way that the silence is exactly the contribution that is appropriate in the relationship. You are master of life and all that comes by for your experience validates, confirms, and contributes to your context as master. Whether things are "good or bad" by the standards of the world is quite irrelevant.

So, we have before us two ways of experiencing life; (1) practicing to be a master, and (2) a master practicing. I can't stress to you too much that external events do not determine which way you are in. Anyone in their right mind would choose number 2, wouldn't they? Evidently not, for it is the purist choice there is in life and yet, what we see in the world is people practicing to be masters and never quite making it. This brings us to the issue of the fundamental determinant of which way you happen to be in. Like all true statements it is utter simplicity: YOU SAY SO. If you feel stuck in practicing to be a master and never quite making it, ask yourself: Why don't I say so?

In the moment that you say so, it is so. I must tell you that the content of your life is not what changes when you say "I am a master practicing." What changes when you say that is that everything and everyone in your life is transformed in your "experience" and it all becomes a contribution to your practice of mastery. You don't have to wait until you are on your death bed to become a master practicing. You can become a master practicing from where you are right now. Simply say so. Then, consciously take every event in your life as a demonstration of your mastery.

When you experience yourself as the "master" in your life, you will find that you can instantly and magically transform the quality of any relationship by simple consideration.

There are certain advantages to being a master practicing. For one thing, your relationships are transformed. So, if you have been putting up with, or trying to change, someone and simply being frustrated, all that is transformed. I don't mean that your someone will become enlightened and start treating you better. NO! A master of life has no need for someone who acts the way they're "supposed to." In fact, someone's craziness (if they are nuts) becomes more grist for your mastery mill. The crazier they act, the more mastery you have. If you look at them and get a large pain in your stomach, the pain in your stomach becomes more contributing material to your mastery. Why? Because you say so. No other reason. If that is not your experience, then you didn't say so. On the other hand, if someone becomes enlightened (and they might), then their enlightenment is a validation of your mastery. Why? Because you say so. For no other reason.

You see, a master practicing lets life be the way it is. When you let life be the way it is, you will find out that it validates and supports you. Always. So, if life is not validating and supporting you, you are not letting it be the way it is. At that point, when you are willing to let it be the way it is, a certain satisfaction comes over you. Said another way, you create the context of satisfaction by doing nothing! From the context of satisfaction you can absolutely beat life into shape. As you beat it, you are satisfied. As it changes shape, you are satisfied. When you notice the shape that you beat it into, you are satisfied. Everything becomes a contribution to your state of satisfaction. So, letting life be the way it is doesn't mean not to change it. You change it totally, but not so that it will get better. You will change it as a game, nothing more. For, you see, if you beat life to change it to be better, that would be coming from dissatisfaction. A lot of people do exactly that. They are not particularly satisfied and their actual impact on the world is even smaller than it seems. Their relationships are relationships of domination and manipulation, the weakest tools of change known to the planet.

So, a master practicing starts with the fact that he is whole and complete. Because he says so, and for no other reason. He also starts from the fact that his relationships are whole, complete, and perfect. They are exactly the way they should be. Why? Because he says so, no other reason. As relationships change, that is exactly what they should be doing: changing. When they seem to stay the same, that is exactly what they should be doing: staying the same. When he changes them, that is exactly the appropriate thing to do: change them. When others change them, that is seen as the appropriate thing to happen. How can all this be so? Because our master practicing says so, and for no other reason. This is called living "at cause" in your relationships.

I want you to know that in the usual course of events people set out to master their relationships. What I mean by that is not to dominate and manipulate them, except in the highest meaning of those words. However, along the way we invalidate ourselves by causing our relationships to go a certain way without awareness that we cause it. What we say is that it was done "to" us. This invalidates you and takes your power out of your hands and places it in some other location. You end the confusion. You have to be in confusion and "not know" what happened to avoid awareness of responsibility for what happened to avoid awareness of responsibility for what happened. This is not the way of a master practicing in the area of relationship.

A master practicing creates the experience of responsibility by intention, by purpose, even when the understanding of "how" the event was caused has not arrived yet. Understanding comes inevitably. Not the kind of understanding that merely explains things "ex post facto," but understanding that actually provides mastery of relationships in the present. Understanding like this is best called "knowing." When you "know" something, confusion has no opportunity to exist. A master practicing in the area of relationships knows, and is willing to know, and everything that happens validates, confirms and contributes to that fact. Because she or he says so. No other reason.