Turning Into Self Acceptance

From the Zentai Series "Beyond the 12 Steps"
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Turning Into Self Acceptance


How do I accept myself? The answer lies in learning to accept the reality of ourselves without necessarily agreeing with or liking all the feelings or separate components of what we are accepting. This means that we can agree with or approve of the totality, our wholeness, without agreeing with or approving of all our characteristics. This is the opposite of our training, which implies that we must be perfect before we can accept (agree with and approve of) ourselves. We can begin to accept the reality of ourselves. We can begin to accept the reality of ourselves, our totalities, as we are right now without needing to agree with or approve of all our parts, our roles, our behaviors. Acceptance does not mean understanding. Just as most of us will never understand all the complexities of life - war, famine, pain, and death - so we will never understand all the reasons for the complexity of ourselves. Acceptance does not mean change. Our acceptance of life does not change it and our acceptance of ourselves will not change us.

What then is acceptance? It means to take something, to receive willingly, to approve. It may be difficult to approve of ourselves when we are wishing that we were different but it is critical for the development of recovery to begin to accept the reality and totality of ourselves. Acceptance means seeing ourselves as we are, right now, and allowing ourselves to "be."

Acceptance of self means "really" looking at yourself and seeing what you are, inside and out, without judgment (sometimes we need professional help in accomplishing this.) It is the same process as meditating on yourself or being an objective observer of yourself. You suspend the judgment and "see" what you are all about. You take a good hard look at the reality of yourself. This process is not easy but it is necessary! One way to do this is to stand naked in front of a mirror and look at yourself. Do not stop looking when you see something you do not like. Keep looking until you become neutral about what you are seeing. Now you have observing eyes. Keep looking at yourself until you see past the skin and the fat and the surface. Keep looking until you can see through the externals. Do not be afraid. You are observing the reality of yourself. And when you have seen it all, accept it. This is you, warts and all. You will see a human being. Do not act or react. Merely observe. And when you are finished, tell yourself that everything you have seen is okay. Not good or bad, right or wrong, but just okay. This is acceptance.

Another way to learn to accept yourself is to take a piece of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle. On one side label the column "Things I like about me." Label the other side "Things I don't like about me." Then fill in both columns. Take your time and add things as they occur to you. Again, do not be afraid. Most people find it easier to fill in the "don't like" side and they have more difficulty with the "like side." This is because of our faulty training. Keep at it until you have a composite picture of yourself. If you need help, ask your family and friends, role models or a professional for help. When you have finished, think about a coin. A coin has two sides. Neither side is right or wrong or better. Now think of your lists as two sides of the coin. In order to have one side, you must have the other (we all have a shadow). Try to figure out how the one side depends on the other. For example, if you like the fact that you are an organized person and you dislike the fact that you are too compulsive over certain things, try to see the relationship between the two. You cannot always be organized without sometimes being compulsive. If you like the fact that you are patient and dislike the fact that you are sometimes slow and pedantic, again see the relationship between the two. You may really like the fact that you are a generous person, financially and emotionally, but you may dislike the fact that you sometimes feel that others take advantage of you. Can you see the relationship between the two sides - the light side and the dark side - the side we like and show to others and the side we dislike and try to keep hidden?

Nearly everything that you do not like has an opposite in something that you do like. If you need help finding the positive side to something negative, ask for help. Remember that you cannot be perfect and also remember to suspend judgment. Just as you cannot be perfect, you also cannot be a perfect failure. Everything that you do not like about yourself has a counterpart in something positive. Stop looking only at the negatives and accept the positives. Try to find the balance between the two.

Acceptance is the beginning. It allows change to occur. You do not have to change in order to accept yourself. Your role models will see the positives in you. Your role models, by seeing the good in you, will give you permission to see the good in yourself. Do not be afraid; the good is there.

So, how can you accept yourself if you don't agree with or understand yourself? Accepting yourself involves both behavioral and thought processes. As mentioned previously, there are behavioral techniques you can use to begin the process. The cognitive processes toward acceptance of yourself begin when you do the following:

1) Stop the denial. Stop thinking that you cannot accept yourself. You can and you will if you really want to.

2) Suspend the judgment. Not everything in the world can be viewed in terms of dichotomies. Not everything is good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative.

3) Recognize your defenses. (defense is a not OK position). They are stopping you from movement. They may have worked in the past but now they are in the way. Get this: There is "nothing" that you need to defend! Nothing! We get defensive when we feel victimized and when you defend you are at your weakest point. Example: You're criticized, you get angry in defense, you demonstrate your anger in an attempt to appear strong - that makes your position weak - your compensation places you at risk.

4) Kill your illusions. Reality is not illusory. Reality "is" and the reality of yourself exists. Everyone else around you knows the reality of you. Now it is time for you to know yourself.

5) Utilize conscious, reflective observation. Observe yourself as others observe you. To others, you are what you do and not what you wish that you were doing. Your behaviors do count and you can control them. Your feelings, your dreams, your hopes, and your wishes are not the reality of you. They are only a part of what you are.

There are many things that we accept but do not agree with or understand. War, famine, the unfairness of life, and death are things that we deal with every day. We accept that these things exist even though we may not like them and clearly we do not completely understand them. We are part of all of it and our very existence is proof that we are living something that we do not fully comprehend. You may not like your life, you may not like yourself, and you may wish to be someone or somewhere else. Your feelings will not change the reality of your situation. Your behaviors will change you. Acceptance of self becomes a behavior. You can do it.

Acceptance is not giving up or giving in. It takes less work and less energy to accept yourself than it does to deny yourself. In the long run, it is a much easier process and you will find that acceptance frees up the energy needed to have self-esteem and to do the best you can. It is only in the beginning that it seems difficult and strange. Remember, you are relearning a skill. This takes time and feels "wrong." Keep at it. Stay with it. Acceptance really works.

Everything after acceptance is easier. But if you cannot accept yourself, you will never believe and trust that you love yourself. And that you are truly lovable. Accept that you are lovable. You are good and you are worthy of love. Believe this and self-love, self-esteem, will be yours.

Self worth cannot be verified by others. You are worthy because you say it is so. If you depend on others for your value it is others worth. I think we all have this social disease that will not go away with a simple injection. Certainly, while we are actively using we are suffering from a very low self image and the only one cure is a massive dose of self love. More than likely, just as with myself, you have grown up with the idea that loving yourself is wrong. Society tells us - think of others, love your neighbor, etc. We were not taught to love ourselves and that is precisely what we are going to have to learn to do if we are going to achieve any kind or present moment happiness. We so often associate loving ourselves with being selfish or conceited. We were taught to put others ahead of us, to think of others first because, supposedly, that shows that you are a good person. We learned self effacement and were nurtured on instructions like "share your things with your cousins." It didn't matter that they were your most treasured possessions, or that Mommy and Daddy might not be sharing their big people toys with you or others. Other little messages that lowered our self-esteem are things like "Children are to be seen and not heard" or "You ought to know your place" not realizing children just naturally think of themselves as beautiful and terribly important. But by adolescence society's messages have taken root. Self doubt is in full bloom and the reinforcement continues as the years pass.

So many of the things we were taught disguised as the word "manners" helped us to internalize the judgment of others at the expense of our own values. It is not surprising that these same questions marks and self definitions proceed into adulthood, and these same self dictates prevent us, or make it difficult at best, to love others because giving love to others is directly related to how much love you have for yourself. Love is a word that has many definitions as people to define it. I prefer "The ability and willingness to want those that you care for to be what they choose to be without any necessity that they satisfy you." How can you reach the point of being able to let others be what they choose without meeting your expectations? Very simple - by loving yourself, by feeling that you are important, worthy, and beautiful. Once you recognize just how good you are you won't have to have others reinforce your value or values by making their behavior conform to your dictates. If you are secure in yourself you neither want nor need others to be like you. For one thing, remember you are unique. For another, that would rob them of their own uniqueness and what you love in them are just those traits that make them special and separate.

So you see, if you really get good at loving yourself you will suddenly find yourself loving others, giving to others, and doing for others, but giving and doing for yourself first, because then there are no gimmicks in your giving. You are not doing it for the thanks or the payoffs, but because of the genuine pleasure you get from being a helper or a lover. If the "you" is someone worthless or unloved by you then giving is impossible. How can you give love if you are worthless? You can't give love neither can you receive it. So the entire business of being in love, giving and receiving, starts with a self that is totally loved. I might point out here that it is not necessary to expect that when you say to someone that you love them that they have to say the same words back. It should be obvious from what I have just discussed that the person's reaffirmation of their loving you is not necessary and, in fact, would be that person's problem. It has absolutely nothing to do with the usual exchange wherein self-worth is reaffirmed by the person's retort of "I love you, too."

Along with this goes the need to remember that if you behave in a way that you dislike, self hate or loathing does not follow. That only leads to immobilization and damage. Learn from the error, resolve not to repeat it but do not associate it with your own self worth. Here, in fact, is the guts of both self and other directed love. Never confuse your self worth (which is given) with your behavior or the behavior of others towards you. Once again, it's not easy.

The messages of society are overpowering, such as "You're a bad boy, rather than "You behaved badly." Or "Mama doesn't like you when you behave that way" rather than "Mama doesn't like the way you behave." With the first message like "You're a bad boy" instead of "You behave badly" the conclusion is "She doesn't like me, I must be no good." Instead of "She doesn't like me, that's her decision and while I don't like it I'm still important."

Remember the habits and thoughts of childhood are not easily outgrown. Your own self image may still very well be based on others' perceptions of you. Even though it is true that your original self profiles were learned from the opinions of adults, it is not true that you must carry them around with you forever. Granted, it's tough to shed those old tapes and wipe clean those unhealed scars, but hanging on to them is even tougher when you consider the consequences. With mental practice you can make some self loving choices that will amaze you.