Downer Feelings

Downer Feelings
An article created by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series

Downer Feelings

Why do I need you to love me in order to like myself?
A day in a life: Tina always gets up an hour before her husband, Ernie, so that she can have the bathroom to herself while she gets ready for work. She never allows Ernie to see her without her war paint and hairstyle intact. And she doesn't dare risk his anger if he's unable to use the bathroom when he wants. As she slips quietly out of bed, she tugs her nightgown down hastily, just in case her husband awakes. If he should see those extra pounds around her waist, there would be trouble. Later, at work, Tina overhears her boss refer to her as his "girl." She is annoyed but says nothing. At a meeting on a department project, a colleague presents a proposal as entirely her own, although Tina did a substantial share of the groundwork. She doesn't mention her contribution because she's worried about offending this woman, whose position is higher than her own.
A typical day in Tina's life may seem farfetched, but it is only a slight exaggeration of the way many of us live our lives. Day after day, our time and energy are devoted to the futile search for the behavior that will ensure we will be liked. Approval craving might seem like a strong term, but only a powerful word such as "craving" adequately describes the powerful hold this need has on so many people. And the need masks a genuine terror of rejection. Many, perhaps most, of us "must" have others love us before we can ever begin to like and accept ourselves. Over concern with what people think of you and the accompanying fear of rejection can create a life based on decisions made strictly to guarantee acceptance. Extreme approval cravers dress to please, and smile no matter what. They avoid saying what they really think. It is as if a censor is working overtime in their heads, editing and reediting the material they are willing to share with others. Some people have strong approval needs in more-specific situations. Like many of us, they are not bothered by disapproval fears most of the time. But in certain specific situations, they become overwhelmed with the need to please and be liked and in the process they easily become possessive and jealous. Their philosophy is: "Where is your ass so I can plant my lips on it."
Connie, a bank loan officer, is extremely assertive on the job. She is never plagued by worries about rejection when she turns down an applicant for a loan. Yet with her steady boyfriend, Dudly Do Right, she's a mess, always hovering about, anxious to please him and trying to anticipate his every need. If she fails, she's afraid he might not marry her and she wouldn't be able to find another man. Crap. Do you crave approval? As you look through your answers to these questions, be honest with yourself. Find the patterns in your own behavior.
• Are you inappropriately compliant with your supervisor?
• Have you slipped into workaholism in order to assure acceptance?
• Do you engage in backstabbing or scapegoating of other, more vulnerable workers in order to enhance your position?
• Do you experience inappropriate levels of anxiety when asking for a raise or making any other reasonable work request?
• Do you avoid approaching people who might be desirable to meet, because you are convinced they will not find you acceptable?
• Are you too open too soon with new acquaintances in the hope of winning them over?
• Do you make yourself look bad if you feel a friend is jealous of something you have?
• Are you afraid to tell a friend what you really think of his/her inappropriate behavior toward you?
Is all that stuff normal? If you define normal as the norm, then the answer to this would be yes! It is normal to see insecurity, envy, arrogance, greed, possessiveness, depression, etc., in almost all of the people that we know. Many of our dysfunctional traits and states are what we commonly call "the human condition." Perhaps it would be more appropriate to call many of our ailments the result of the training or programming we learned or were conditioned to. Too many of us have been excellent students of an inappropriate and faulty system for coping and living well.
We have been taught that we are our feelings and that we are not responsible for the way we are feeling. We excuse inappropriate behaviors by saying things like, "Oh well, you know how upset he is" or "It's not her fault because she's having a bad time." We have been trained to believe that our feelings control us, that other people's behaviors control us and that our reactions are not under our own control. How often we hear or say, "You are making me angry" or “What you are doing is making me jealous" or "I can't be angry at them because they can't help themselves" or "The world is making me depressed because nothing is working the way I want it to." There are literally thousands of examples similar to these in which our responsibility for our actions or feelings is given to someone or something outside of our control.
The model of”you are what you do" not only implies that you should be able to control your destiny but that you should also be able to control others around you so that you can achieve your goals. It does not teach us how to control ourselves and it does not teach us what our responsibilities are.
If your goal is to be balanced, to act responsibly, to let go of the craziness of life, to learn self-esteem and practice social interest, then you will find small comfort in being one of the many miserable people in the world. Misery may love company but how many of us love misery - particularly when it is unnecessary. Unnecessary pain is the pain that results from own insecurity. Insecurity is not a necessary condition of the human adult. It hampers maturity. Possessiveness, jealousy, and depression, along with a host of other ailments, are not necessary nor do they serve any positive purpose except to confirm what excellent students we have been. There is enough real pain in the world that cannot be conquered. There is no need to make more pain. By learning to be secure with ourselves, we can eliminate the unnecessary pains, the "trauma dramas" of everyday life.