Paradox

Written by Zentai in 2005

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Paradox
I often use the term paradox. The dictionary definition of paradox is: "A statement that seems contradictory, unbelievable or absurd but that may actually be true in fact. Something inconsistent with common experience." I can also add that an occurrence opposite from one's expectations is a paradox.
Everything about living well seems to be paradoxical to what we have been trained to believe. For example, we are trained to believe that it is wrong or dangerous to love ourselves and that no one else will love us if we do love ourselves. This is paradoxical because the better we are able to love ourselves, the more love we generate for others and the more love we receive from others. Likewise, the more we take care of our own needs and wants, the more others want to be around us and offer to help us. Incidentally, the more that you caretake others to the exclusion of yourself, which is what we have been trained to do, the more resentment we foster in both ourselves and in those being caretaken. Another paradox; the more secure you feel about yourself, the more open and vulnerable you can be around others, the more power others give you. We are taught that we have to defend and protect ourselves that we cannot appear vulnerable or others will take advantage of us. Actually, the opposite occurs.
The easiest and fastest way to understand paradox is through the use of humor. Laugh at yourself and with others. Do not take anything that seriously. It is all a game and we are all players. The best we can be occurs when we let go and have fun and play the game spontaneously. This is the paradox of life. Enjoy it.
I want to give you a glimpse of that which can't really be talked about!: the nature of truth and the Self. You must remember that language was not designed to express the truth and yet it is what we have to communicate with. In ordinary, everyday life, what people mean by the term "truth" is a position they believe in. This sort of "truth" mechanically gives rise to an opposite opposing position, so when you say "X" is right, that gives rise to the opposing position that "not-X" is right, with absolute reliability. It doesn't happen just sometimes; it happens each and every time you take a position. A position always calls into being its own opposition. This should give you a hint about what the truth is.
The truth, with respect to "X" and "not-X," is that "X" and "not-X" are both right and they are both wrong. The truth then is a context that contains the paradox of opposite position both being right and both being wrong. It happens that the mind is not capable of holding the truth as paradox. Therefore you cannot experience the truth with your mind, which is a right/wrong machine designed for survival of individuality. This all comes into clear focus in the realm of love and commitment. When you say "I love you" to someone, that automatically creates its opposite which may be "I don't love you" or "I hate you." As you can see, there is sometimes more than one opposite. So, if you are the carrier of "I love you" and you put it out as a position, it mechanically produces its opposite somewhere. That somewhere may be in the mind of the person you love from a position. What may come up in his/her mind is, "But I don't love you." In case they come up with the same position, "I love you," then you will become the carrier of "I don't love you." "I love you/I don't love you" is known as ambivalence. The only way you can avoid ambivalence is if the "love object" is willing to carry "But I don't love you." If both of you take the position”I love you," what will happen is that you both become the carriers of the opposing position. This inevitable condition of ambivalence calls into being commitment, if here is intention for the relationship to last. A relationship of”I love you / I don't love you" can be held in that context and both positions contribute to the context. The outcome is that "I don't love you" is a validation of the context of love in which it is held and powers the relationship. Creating a context of love, that is, being your Self, or the Self, means a willingness to put your very existence on the line in the form of commitment. You must see that love cannot be maintained, has never been maintained, will never be maintained, from the level of the mind. Here is what you "can" do about it: develop the "intention" to have your relationship work. Out of your intention, in the condition of integrity, comes a naturally created "commitment". It is simply there, not as a concept, but as a natural, living, spontaneous commitment. Obviously then, integrity and intention are the qualities you must uncover in your Self if you want relationships that work.
So, here is how to accomplish it all. Life works well if you if you simply do what is appropriate with the fundamentals of intention and integrity. What is appropriate to this fundamental level is: (1) tell the truth, all of it, at all times, and (2) be absolutely true to your ideals until you realize that your ideals are actually your blocks in life. At that point they will become your former ideals. After that, you simply do what works. Fundamentally, what works is to tell the truth, all of it, at all times. This brings you back to the truth as paradox. The truth is that "I love you / I don't love you" and ”I am committed to you / I am not committed to you" exist at all times, side by side, in the same space of the Self. If you really get this at the level of unity of being, it becomes unimportant who is carrying which position at any given moment. The Self is the only context large enough to contain a working love relationship between two people. The path to the Self is communication. If you have no intention of your relationship working you will avoid communication. When and if you get beyond avoidance of communication, you will have to confront the truth as paradox. Your positional mind won't like it that you also contain the opposite position. Nevertheless, the truth "is" paradox and only the truth works. To get the truth as paradox, you have to check back into your life and be your Self.