Step Four excluded

Step Four excluded

Hidden Resentments

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

When I did my fourth step, it seems that I left out one very important resentment that I have been carrying with me for about 30 years or so. It came to light this last week when I received a letter from the Franchise Tax Board of California.
In 1979, my wife took it upon herself to start filing her tax returns by herself and claiming the kids on it, thus eliminating my ability to claim any exemptions other than myself. I took this to believe that she was being “greedy” as she could get more refund by doing it this way. The result being, that I didn’t file MY return, and continued not filing for a few years. The years to come were those of having my wages attached for not filing, thus building up considerable amounts in fines, interest and everything else the government does when this happens.
Every time I got a garnishment from work that they were attaching my wages, I would get pissed off eventually at my wife for starting (in MY mind) this grave situation. This has gone on for over 30 years.

The last four or five years, after making an installment agreement with the State, I have had 150.00 taken out of my check each month. With these payments and all those thru the years, I have more than paid off my debt to them, but NOW……. I owe them MORE than when I started the payments.

The letter I got from them was due to filing my taxes online with the 74.00 owed to them, making arrangements (online) to have them paid from my bank automatically. This would have been fine, except when I entered my routing number to the bank, I didn’t enter ALL of the numbers, and the payment became invalid when they tried to extract the payment. The letter was “an Intent to Cancel” my arrangement with them.

My first reaction was one of surprise until I explored and found the reason. My second reaction was one of resentment towards my wife for starting this mess 30 some odd years ago. Today, while looking back at this situation the last week, I am amazed that I have held onto this resentment for so long. Maybe because it only pops up when I’m contacted in regards to the matter.

Being in an ugly mood caused by this, I “threw” the situation in my wife’s face, accusing her of causing this to happen because of her greed, 30 + years ago. One thing led to another, and an argument arose between us.

But………… then……… she said something to me that really hit home and shut me up about this matter forever. Her answer to me was “I did what I had to do to feed and clothe my kids because you were out of control at that time.”

WHOA!! Stopped me in my tracks. It finally came out and it was true as can be. I went to my room like a little kid that had been caught with “his pants down”, as well I was. It made me stop and take a close look at this. What happened? When I did my fourth step, WHY wasn’t this resentment included? Why wasn’t it let go years ago? Why did I carry this resentment for so long without resolving it?

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!

We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."


We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.
We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.