Caretaking

As long as we take care of others, solve their problems, and supply their needs, we are not required to look at ourselves and we absolve them of personal responsibility. As this trait becomes more pronounced, we lose our own identity. As children, we took on the concerns and problems of others far beyond our years and, in many cases, were deprived of a normal childhood. The attention we got caused us to believe we had some power. Taking care of others boosted our self-esteem and made us feel indispensable. It gave purpose to our life. As caretakers, we are most comfortable with chaotic situations in which we can be reassured that we are needed. We often end up as martyrs and never experience the joy of taking care of ourselves.

What does a caretaker look like? Feelings and Behavior:

• Help and seek "victims"
• Rescue people
• Ignore our needs
• Super-responsible
• Make ourselves indispensable
• Loss of identity

In recovery we drop the role of caretaker, we stop being responsible for everyone and allow each individual to find his/her own way. We understand that everyone has a Higher Power, which is the best source for guidance, love, and support. (Gosh! that was hard for me to say. I know it is in accordance with most of our members beliefs - not mine) We become free from the burden of meeting everyone's needs and find time to develop our own personalities. Our obsession to care for others is replaced with the acceptance that we are powerless over the lives of others and that our only responsibility in life is for our own welfare and happiness.

How do you do it?

• Stop rescuing
• Care for yourself
• Set boundaries
• Detach from "victim" relationships

When to give and when to say "no." - make sure the other person wants what you are giving. Do not presume that they need your services and do not give to others when you yourself are needy. The whole thing will backfire. This also applies to advice giving also! Often, when people ask for advice, what they are really wanting is for someone to agree with what they have already decided. If your advice is against what they have decided, they will either ignore you or be angry with you. Or sometimes they will take your advice and when it doesn't work they blame you for it. This relieves them of the responsibility. Avoid needing to be needed. This is another trap that is easy to fall into. Make sure that the gift you are giving - your time, energy, service, sacrifice - is honest, clean, and that there are no ulterior motives on your part. If you are asked to give when you do not want to do so but feel you must, make sure it is a short-term situation so that you know from the beginning exactly what you are getting into and when to stop. If you cannot do these things, it is better in the long run not to give of yourself. If you find that you are involved in a situation where you are giving too much and becoming resentful or angry, stop giving. No gift to another is worth destroying yourself.

There is no law that states that once you begin giving you must keep giving. This is a common problem in many areas: Giving (or loaning) money to friends and family knowing you won't get it back is a common problem that can lead to hard feelings and even destroy relationships. One good cure for this is to simply state, "I'm sorry, I don't loan money." And then comes the hook: “Why not, you're my friend, aren't you? I would do it for you." Response, "Yes, you are my friend, but I don't loan money. It's my policy." That little technique can save a lot of heartache. Beware of people who expect you to always be the giver. They are lacking self-esteem and will not encourage you to take care of yourself.

The following story is a clear example of the danger of giving too much. In a dense forest lives a swamp that is always depressed and gloomy and unhappy with his lot in life. One sunny day a brand-new tractor rolls off the assembly line and takes a walk in the forest where the swamp lives. The tractor is whistling and singing and delighted to be alive when he comes across the swamp. "Good morning," he says to the swamp. "Humph," replies the swamp. "What is so good about it? Here I am stuck in this shady part of the forest where the sun never shines through the trees and I'm tired of being an old gloopey swamp." "I wish I could help you," says the innocent tractor. "Is there anything I can do?" The swamp was thoughtful. "Well, if you "really" want to help, I suppose you could shovel some dirt into me and then I would dry up and stop being a swamp." "What a good idea," says the tractor. "I'll be happy to help you stop being a swamp." And the enthusiastic tractor energetically begins shoveling dirt into the swamp. This goes on for a couple of hours with little result to the status of the swamp. The swamp begins to grumble: "I don't think that you are shoveling fast enough to make a difference." Okay," replies the tractor, "I'll shovel even faster." The day wears on and the little tractor is getting very tired. The swamp looks exactly as it looked in the morning. Now the swamp starts getting mad at the tractor. "If you really cared about me, there would be some results. I don't think your heart is really into helping me."

By now the tractor has invested the whole day in trying to help the swamp and he really feels committed to his role to try and change the swamp. So he speeds up his efforts even though he is feeling weak and exhausted. He shovels dirt while the swamp sleeps throughout the night and he continues to work the next day while the swamp grumbles and complains about his poor effort and his lack of "real" caring. The tractor literally works himself to death and slowly sinks into the wet, muddy swamp. There is no evidence that the tractor has even been there at all. The swamp remains a swamp and waits for the next tractor to come along and save him from himself.

What could the tractor have done? If he had learned self-esteem - how to take care of himself - he might have asked the swamp what the swamp was willing to do to change. Or he might have passed by the swamp and recognized that this was a dangerous trap. Or being a tractor with social interest, he might have offered to help the swamp for a little while. Then when he realized that his help was not working, he might have gone on his way feeling good about his efforts even though the swamp was still a swamp. In all cases, had the tractor learned self-esteem, he would never have given his life to the swamp.

Some people are natural tractors (givers) and they are attracted to those who are swamps (takers). In order to change the ending to a happy one, both the swamps and the tractors of the world need to learn to take care of themselves. The swamps of the world need to learn to do for themselves and the tractors need to learn to let the swamps help themselves. The tractors allow the swamps to continue being swamps. By giving so much, the giver puts the taker in a one-down position, a victim role, and victims tend to resent and hate their so-called saviors. It is easy to perceive the destructiveness of the takers but there is also destructiveness in too much giving. The goal of the givers, feeling good and taking credit for the outcome, can be a larger goal than the one that the taker wants.

Remember, the cookie jar theory: bake cookies for yourself first and then bake cookies for others. Give when you are full and you will not feel depleted from the act of giving. You can sacrifice yourself for others as long as it does not feel as though you are sacrificing anything. As soon as you feel the sacrifice, stop giving and take care of your own needs.