Evil

Written by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series


Evil
The Sense of Unworthiness
The person we want most to love us is our self. But when we attempt to bring love to oneself, perhaps through a meditation in which we cultivate this quality or in the course of our most ordinary day, we discover that we sometimes think we don't deserve it. We see self-doubt arising to block this love, an interference which we realize is usually present to some degree almost all of the time. It's a sense of unworthiness, it seems, that comes out of our being talked out of, trained out of, conditioned out of trusting our natural Being. It is the result of being turned away from ourselves, taught to distrust ourselves. An over-simplified example is that as children, toddling across the floor, we may have had the experience of needing to urinate, so we did. And Mommy or Daddy may have come up and said, "Oh no! That's wrong, don't do that!" But we didn't do anything; we just peed. It's just something that naturally came about through us. But, somehow, it was "wrong." It caused us to increasingly question or naturalness. As we grow older, we learn to take care of ourselves, to be responsible. We are encouraged to be someone special, to be praiseworthy, to be outstanding. And in the course of learning how to reinforce our separateness, it's quite natural that most of us as children at some time lie or steal. We may lie to protect our "specialness," to suit some image of what we are supposed to be, to disguise our natural waywardness, to be someone we're not, just as sometimes we may steal to feed ourselves what we wish we already had.
The child is told not to lie or not to steal, but never told how not to lie and not to steal. Our naturalness is accused. Our distrust in ourselves is reaffirmed by the feeling that we're the only ones who ever lied or ever stole, that there's something basically wrong with us. There is within us, much of the time, that critical judging voice commenting on what we're doing and how we're doing it, pointing out that we're not coming up to par, not being worthy of love. We have somehow come to think that it's not appropriate to love ourselves - that we're not worthy of self-love because we have lost our natural love of ourselves, our natural self-respect. Interestingly enough, it's the sense of unworthiness which maintains ego! We don't have to battle or crush the ego. Much of what we see as ego-motivation comes from a sense of unworthiness. When the sense of unworthiness falls away, there is a good deal less ego to support. The ego is not an entity out to conquer to world; much of the momentary grasping we call ego is a compensatory mechanism trying to disprove unworthiness. It's not so much trying to appear great as trying not to seem a fool. Being someone special, we suspect, will compensate for this inadequacy, will show that we are really okay.
When we let go of that unworthiness, when we forgive ourselves for even that, then no one is trying to prove anything. Then the whole ego structure starts to crumble, and opens itself to love and self-acceptance. When self-judgment comes up, we try gently to let go of it. The next thought might be, "Oh, I can't do that, that's self-indulgence. I mustn't let myself get away with that!" which is more of that belief that we have to control ourselves, that we can't trust ourselves. Our feeling of distrust in our natural Being has gained such potency, and has been supported by so much of society, that many will agree wholeheartedly that we mustn't trust ourselves. There is so much distrust in our natural Being that many people are convinced that they are by nature, evil. That's the sense of unworthiness that I spoke of in relation to the judging mind. People who feel this look at the hindrances in the mind - the greed and the desires, the "stuff" we all work with, the anger, the self-centeredness - and say, "Look at that awful stuff. Can I trust a mind that's got all that in it?" But when we suggest that these hindrances are encouraged by such aversion and fear, that one may let go of this conditioned mind and let the natural wisdom arise, they say, "I can't let go of control - I've got to keep the screws on or I'll really blow it." Actually, our sense of unworthiness causes us to reinforce those negative qualities. And, since all of those qualities encourage further separation, it makes us feel even more unloved and unlovable, and makes contact with ourselves and others, yet more difficult. We can treat thoughts of unworthiness just like any other quality of mind, coming and going, as it will in response to certain conditions. It's just another moment in the mind. It's just another part of the passing show. We can trust ourselves and the power of awareness to penetrate to a clear comprehension of the truth. All our trying to change, thinking we have to do something about how and who we are comes mostly from a sense of unworthiness, a sense of personal distrust. Even now a lot of us are saying, "Yes, but....." That's just more of the same. We let go of our sense of unworthiness not by submitting it to the ax or trying to control or suppress it, but by giving it enough room to see its own workings. A sense of unworthiness does not make us unworthy. We are worthy of letting go of our unworthiness. If we did nothing but practice letting go of unworthiness, much of the stuff we're working so hard to clear away would have no support system! We would have more room to grow. Consciously we surrender unworthiness as it arises, not entertaining it with the ego's list of credits. The work which will awaken us is that of becoming keenly aware of unworthiness without judging it. Gently, with patience and a lot of love, we acknowledge the Being we really are.
Is evil real? Now is the time to present an important paradox: If you are worried about being evil, you most likely are not evil. True evil does not allow for self-doubt or self-examination.
Are "evil" and being "bad" the same thing? No. We can and will do bad things - inappropriate, uncaring, pain-filled behaviors - because we are human and therefore not perfect. These behaviors do not define us as evil people. This mistake is similar to guilt - over generalizing from a behavior to the whole. If we choose to continually commit behaviors which are painful to others and to ourselves, we may become evil. An examination of conscience is required to let us know when to stop, when to change, and when to make amends. If we continue along doing damage to ourselves and to others without questioning our behaviors and if we refuse to acknowledge that we may be doing harm, then we are vulnerable to becoming evil.
The underlying assumption of the theory behind self-esteem is that "we are good". Lacking a conscience does not mean evil; rather it means sickness or handicap, in much the same way that lacking a limb means a handicap. The nature of evil implies choice. We cannot choose or be held responsible for choice if we do not have the necessary qualifications for making that choice. Evil can be defined as choosing not to do good. It most often is seen in those who put all their energy into looking "good" and choose not to examine themselves. Evil requires the opposite of self-esteem - there can be no exploration of the self, no responsibility for the consequences, and no acceptance of the ability to do wrong. Interestingly, the externalizations which occur in the circular process of guilt can be conducive to becoming evil. it is easy to imagine and evil person expressing guilt but never changing, doing evil and blaming others. The safest way to avoid evil is to practice self-esteem and recognize that we are all imperfect.