Dry Drunk
I've heard a few people ask what the term "Dry Drunk" means The following article seems to explain it very well. After reading it, it explained a few things to me that I wasn't aware of. I know that I've had feeling of being a "Dry Drunk", but after reading this, it makes me aware, that I'm going to have my ups and downs, and it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in that Syndrome. I've just got to deal with the day to day situations as best that I can. Hope this article explains what you may need to hear today.
It's a fairly long article, so maybe some of you may just want to comment on YOUR version of what a "Dry Drunk" is.
Milkman
Dry Drunk Syndrome
Sobriety will necessarily have its ups and downs, its good times and its bad times, if only because we live in a world which we are inseparably joined. One doesn't always sustain sobriety at the same level. There are fluctuations, shocks and setbacks which, when addressed within the context of the A.A. program, so not in themselves imperil the totality of one's sobriety. The Dry Drunk Syndrome is a term that should not be used as a catch-all when one has a bad day or a bump in life throws us for a while. Those are ups and downs that everyone experiences and shouldn't be labeled to be anything more than what they truly are. The Dry Drunk is a condition far more serious than the highs and lows of our day-to-day existence.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Change, as I see it
Change, as I see it
by Milkman Mike
This was a share I did in one of our online meetings a couple of years ago. It’s still how I feel today and thought I’d share it with ya all.
I picked "Change" as a topic tonight, because I guess I'm seeing a lot of it in my life today.
Things are changing in several different parts of my life, some of it I like and some of it I don't
There’s change in my home life, change in my work life, spiritual and in my life in the program
The dictionaries meaning of change is to exchange for or replace with another
to give a completely different form or appearance to; transform, to go from one phase to another
Of course there are other definitions but for ME, change is going from one level to another, or having things different than what they were
In my life, I have undergone many changes, in personality, spirituality, employment, relationships and much more
Some of these have had negative results and a few positive, lol
The last 6 years, I WILL have to say, there have been more positive than negative.
Reason being, I got CLEAN AND SOBER!!!
Some of the changes in my life might have seemed small, but when you put a lot of small changes together, you're able to be transformed into someone you never thought you could be
at least that’s the way it was and is for ME
To change, I had to WANT that change
want something different than what I’d been accustomed to, what I was sick and tired of
my life seemed like it was coming to an end before I got clean and sober
I had lost everything of value and then some
I had no pride, ambition, or self-respect left in my life.
I had lost my wife, family, home and all material things I had acquired in my life
I had hit the homeless shelter, and felt like a vagabond
I'm sure you've heard the expression "I was saved when they locked me up"
That's the way it was for me. Even though I had been in and out of jails and prisons ALL of my adult life,
the topping off the cake was in Oct. of 2000, when I was facing 5 years (once again) in prison
My wife had called the cops on me because of not living up to the promises I had made to stay sober
I had to humble myself and beg for a program, even though my thoughts were still on beating the system and the time duration of a lengthy prison sentence
They kept me in long enough so that I had time to acquire the tools to help me make the changes, and change I did
Even though I knew I need change, I didn't know how to go about it until I went thru the programs that were mandated on me
I learned to be open minded, honest with myself, and WILLING to change, something new to me
I had to realize that the things I had been doing, were not going to change, unless I changed the way I was doing them
LIVING LIFE! That's what I had been doing wrong!!
I didn't know HOW to live, without a drink or a drug in me
I had to have that drink in the morning to kick start my day
and once that first went down, there were many to follow for the day, not ending until late at night or until I passed out
I had to change my friends, my hangouts, what I did in my free time, and my way of thinking
I went to meetings and made new friends, and that’s where I hung out in the first couple of years
I did the 12 steps as they were suggested and kept going to meetings. This was a BIG change for me
As time went on, my desire to change from those old ways, got stronger
The forced changes I had made, were finally becoming habits and normal for me
It wasn't easy at first, because those little voices inside my head kept talking to me to go back out there
But the changes had affected my thinking and I remained clean and sober
Today, I’m looking forward to some changes that may or may not happen in the next couple of weeks. If they do, I’ll be ready for them, and if they don’t happen, then I’ll still be grateful for what I have
I think I’ve said enough, so I’ll give some of you others a chance to tell us about how change has affected you
Thanks
Milkman Mike
by Milkman Mike
This was a share I did in one of our online meetings a couple of years ago. It’s still how I feel today and thought I’d share it with ya all.
I picked "Change" as a topic tonight, because I guess I'm seeing a lot of it in my life today.
Things are changing in several different parts of my life, some of it I like and some of it I don't
There’s change in my home life, change in my work life, spiritual and in my life in the program
The dictionaries meaning of change is to exchange for or replace with another
to give a completely different form or appearance to; transform, to go from one phase to another
Of course there are other definitions but for ME, change is going from one level to another, or having things different than what they were
In my life, I have undergone many changes, in personality, spirituality, employment, relationships and much more
Some of these have had negative results and a few positive, lol
The last 6 years, I WILL have to say, there have been more positive than negative.
Reason being, I got CLEAN AND SOBER!!!
Some of the changes in my life might have seemed small, but when you put a lot of small changes together, you're able to be transformed into someone you never thought you could be
at least that’s the way it was and is for ME
To change, I had to WANT that change
want something different than what I’d been accustomed to, what I was sick and tired of
my life seemed like it was coming to an end before I got clean and sober
I had lost everything of value and then some
I had no pride, ambition, or self-respect left in my life.
I had lost my wife, family, home and all material things I had acquired in my life
I had hit the homeless shelter, and felt like a vagabond
I'm sure you've heard the expression "I was saved when they locked me up"
That's the way it was for me. Even though I had been in and out of jails and prisons ALL of my adult life,
the topping off the cake was in Oct. of 2000, when I was facing 5 years (once again) in prison
My wife had called the cops on me because of not living up to the promises I had made to stay sober
I had to humble myself and beg for a program, even though my thoughts were still on beating the system and the time duration of a lengthy prison sentence
They kept me in long enough so that I had time to acquire the tools to help me make the changes, and change I did
Even though I knew I need change, I didn't know how to go about it until I went thru the programs that were mandated on me
I learned to be open minded, honest with myself, and WILLING to change, something new to me
I had to realize that the things I had been doing, were not going to change, unless I changed the way I was doing them
LIVING LIFE! That's what I had been doing wrong!!
I didn't know HOW to live, without a drink or a drug in me
I had to have that drink in the morning to kick start my day
and once that first went down, there were many to follow for the day, not ending until late at night or until I passed out
I had to change my friends, my hangouts, what I did in my free time, and my way of thinking
I went to meetings and made new friends, and that’s where I hung out in the first couple of years
I did the 12 steps as they were suggested and kept going to meetings. This was a BIG change for me
As time went on, my desire to change from those old ways, got stronger
The forced changes I had made, were finally becoming habits and normal for me
It wasn't easy at first, because those little voices inside my head kept talking to me to go back out there
But the changes had affected my thinking and I remained clean and sober
Today, I’m looking forward to some changes that may or may not happen in the next couple of weeks. If they do, I’ll be ready for them, and if they don’t happen, then I’ll still be grateful for what I have
I think I’ve said enough, so I’ll give some of you others a chance to tell us about how change has affected you
Thanks
Milkman Mike
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Acceptance - by Milkman
Acceptance, in spirituality, mindfulness, and human psychology, usually refers to the experience of a situation without an intention to change that situation.
Acceptance does not require that change is possible or even conceivable, nor does it require that the situation be desired or approved by those accepting it.
Indeed, acceptance is often suggested when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk.
Thus someone may decide to take no action against a situation and yet be said to have not accepted it.
Now, I guess that’s where the serenity prayer comes into hand
God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference
When I was in my last program before I hit the streets, I fought acceptance HARD. I tried to analize the serenity prayer by saying, how do I KNOW what things I cannot change, if I don’t TRY?
Ah, but if I had looked at the last part of the prayer, I might have seen “and the wisdom to know the difference” lol
I guess for ME, that wisdom was slow in learning, but the longer I was in recovery, and did the things that were suggested, the wisdom started coming
I started to make better decisions on WHAT I could change and WHAT I could not
The wisdom taught me just how far I could go and what I could do to try and change some of those things
Now, that doesn’t mean I have to accept EVERYTHING. There are some things in life that I will NEVER accept
The only difference today is, I’ve learned to deal with those things, and handle or react to them differently
Acceptance of failure might be something that I can’t accept, unless I’ve exhausted every thing I know of to change that
Doesn’t mean I would like it, but it might be something that I would have to learn to accept
The one thing that I know I’ve accepted (and don’t really like), is that I’ll NEVER be able to drink again, if I wish to continue this life
Acceptance does not require that change is possible or even conceivable, nor does it require that the situation be desired or approved by those accepting it.
Indeed, acceptance is often suggested when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk.
Thus someone may decide to take no action against a situation and yet be said to have not accepted it.
Now, I guess that’s where the serenity prayer comes into hand
God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference
When I was in my last program before I hit the streets, I fought acceptance HARD. I tried to analize the serenity prayer by saying, how do I KNOW what things I cannot change, if I don’t TRY?
Ah, but if I had looked at the last part of the prayer, I might have seen “and the wisdom to know the difference” lol
I guess for ME, that wisdom was slow in learning, but the longer I was in recovery, and did the things that were suggested, the wisdom started coming
I started to make better decisions on WHAT I could change and WHAT I could not
The wisdom taught me just how far I could go and what I could do to try and change some of those things
Now, that doesn’t mean I have to accept EVERYTHING. There are some things in life that I will NEVER accept
The only difference today is, I’ve learned to deal with those things, and handle or react to them differently
Acceptance of failure might be something that I can’t accept, unless I’ve exhausted every thing I know of to change that
Doesn’t mean I would like it, but it might be something that I would have to learn to accept
The one thing that I know I’ve accepted (and don’t really like), is that I’ll NEVER be able to drink again, if I wish to continue this life
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Approval
Written by Zentai from the series "Beyond the 12 Steps"
Approval
Needing approval is tantamount to saying "your view of me is more important than my own opinion of myself." You may be spending far too many moments to acquire the approval of others or in being concerned with some disapproval that you have encountered. If approval has become a "need" in your life, then you have some work to do.
You begin by understanding that approval seeking is a desire rather than a necessity. We all enjoy applause, compliments, and praise. It feels good when we are stroked. Who would want to give this up? Approval in itself is not unhealthy, in fact, adulation is pleasurable. However, approval seeking is a waste only when it becomes a need rather than a want. If you want the approval, you are simply happy to have the endorsement of other people, but if you need it, you are going to collapse if you don't get it. That is when the self-destructive forces move in.
Similarly, when approval seeking becomes a need, you give up a chunk of yourself to the outside person whose advocacy you must have. If they disapprove, then you become immobilized even if in a small way. So, you see in such a case you have chosen to wear your self-worth on your sleeve for someone to rub or not rub off as they see fit. In other words, you feel good inside only if they decide to administer praise to you. The need for approval of another person is bad enough but the real trouble comes with the need for approval of everyone for every act. Obviously, if you carry around such a need, as most chemically dependent people do, then you are bound for a great deal of misery and frustration in your life. Moreover, you will be incorporating a wishy-washy non-person self-image that will result in the kind of self-rejection that we are desperately working against.
The need for approval must go. No question marks. It must be eradicated from your life if you are going to gain personal fulfillment. Such a need is a psychological dead-end with absolutely no benefits accruing to you. It is impossible to go through life without incurring a great deal of disapproval. It is the way of humanity. The dues you pay for your aliveness are something that simply cannot be avoided. When approval-seeking is a need, possibilities for truth are all but wiped away. If you must be lauded and you send out those kinds of signals, then no one can deal with you straight. Nor can you state with confidence what it is that you think and feel at any moment. Your self is sacrificed to the opinions and predilections of others.
I suppose politicians are a class that fall into this category for approval-seeking. The end result is a lack of trust, as we know. Inevitably, they seem to speak out of both sides of their mouths, saying one thing to please group A and another to win the approbation of group B. There can be no truth if the speaker is shifty and moves around the issues with a skillful kind of maneuvering that is designed to please everyone. Behavior like this is easy to see in politicians but more difficult to see in others.
Perhaps you cooled it in order to placate someone or you find yourself agreeing with someone whose disfavor you fear. You knew you would be unhappy if you were censured, so you modify your behavior to avoid it. It's tough to handle rebuking and easier to adopt behavior that will bring approval but when you take this easy way you are making others' opinions of yourself more important than your own self assessment.. It's a vicious trap and a difficult one to escape in our society.
In order escape the trap of approval-seeking which gives others' opinions control over you, it is important to examine the factors that foster the approval-seeking need. Here is how it appears in our cultures: The need for approval is based on a single assumption. "Don't trust yourself; check it out with someone else first." Our culture is one that reinforces approval behavior as a standard of life. Independent thinking is not only unconventional; it is the enemy of the very institutions that constitutes the bulwark of our society. If you have grown up in this society, you have been affected by this attitude. You make someone else's opinion more important than your own, then if you don't get their approval you have every reason to feel depressed, unworthy, or guilty since they are important to you.
The bestowal of approval can also be a great manipulator. Your worth is lost on others and if they refuse to dole out their approval, you have got nothing. You are without worth, and so it goes. The more flattery you need, the more you can be manipulated by others. Any steps in the direction of self approval and independence of the good opinion of others are movements away from their control. As a result, such moves get labeled as selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, and the like in an effort to keep you dependent. To understand this vicious circle of manipulation consider the profusion of approval-seeking cultural messages which began when you were a child and which continue to bombard you today. It is important to recognize here that young children truly need acceptance from significant adults in their formative years, or what I call positive reinforcement. But remember that approval should not be contingent upon being proper, nor should a child have to get his parents' sanction for everything he says, thinks, feels, or does. Self reliance can be taught in the crib and approval seeking ought not be confused with love seeking.
In order to encourage freedom from the need of approval from adults; it is helpful to give the child an abundance of approval from the beginning.. But remember, if a child grows up to feel that he cannot think or act without first securing the permission of a parent, then the neurotic seeds of self doubt are planted early. Approval-seeking as a self defeating need is mentioned here as a child being conditioned to check it out with mother or dad rather than the very healthy sense of wanting the love and acceptance of a caring parent. Unfortunately, our culture teaches the child to rely on others rather than trusting his own judgment. Check out everything with Mommy or Daddy: what do I eat, when, how much, who can I play with, etc.
You can never escape disapproval. For every opinion you have, there is a counterpart out there with exactly the opposite view. Here are some examples of approval-seeking behavior. Like self-respect, approval-seeking encompasses a large category. Among the most common kinds of approval seeking activities are those detailed here:
1. Changing a position on what you believe because someone shows signs of disapproval
2. Sugar coating a statement to avoid the reaction of displeasure
3. Apple polishing in order to make someone like you
4. Feeling depressed or anxious when someone disagrees with you
5. Feeling insulted or put down when someone states a contrary statement to your own
6. Labeling someone a snob or stuck up which is just another way of saying "pay more attention to me"
7. Agreeing excessively and head nodding even when you don't agree at all with what is being said
8. Performing chores for someone and feeling resentful about not being able to say "no"
9. Being intimidated by a sharp sales person into buying something you don't want or fear taking it back because he won't like you
10. Apologizing for yourself at every turn with excessive "I'm sorries"
11. Behaving in non-conforming ways for the purpose of gaining attention, sort of like negative strokes, like wearing tennis shoes with your tuxedo, or eating a handful of mashed potatoes just to be noticed.
12. Being pathologically late. Here you can't help but be seen and it is an approval-seeking device and gets everyone to pay attention.
13. The list could go on and on
The following are the six payoffs for approval-seeking as a need:
1. Placing responsibility for your feelings on others if you feel the way you do, lousy, hurt, depressed, etc. because someone else doesn't approve of you, then they, not you, are responsible for how you feel
2. If they are responsible for you, you feel, because of withholding their approval, then any changes in you is almost impossible since it then becomes their fault that you feel the way you do. Thus approval-seeking helps you avoid changing.
3. As long as they are responsible and you can't change, you don't have to run any risks. Consequently, hanging on to approval-seeking is a way of life and will help you to conveniently avoid any risk-taking activities.
4. reinforcing a poor self image and therefore encouraging a self pity and do nothing-ism. If you are immune from the need for approval you are immune from self pity when you don't get it.
5. Reinforcing the idea that others must take care of you and, therefore, you can revert to the child in you and can be coddled, protected, and manipulated
6. Blaming others for what you are feeling, thereby creating a scape-goating effect for everything you don't like in your life. It's the same as projections demonstrating to yourself that you are liked by those others you like more than yourself, and thus feeling outwardly comfortable even though there is a cauldron of discontent seething inside of you. As long as the others are more significant, then the outward appearance is more important.
I could go on and on, but these neurotic payoffs are strikingly similar to the rewards for self hate. In fact, the treatment of avoiding responsibility - change and risk - is at the heart of all of self-destructive thinking and behaving. It is just plain easier, more familiar, and less risky to hang on to neurotic behaviors, approval-seeking being one of them.
Approval
Needing approval is tantamount to saying "your view of me is more important than my own opinion of myself." You may be spending far too many moments to acquire the approval of others or in being concerned with some disapproval that you have encountered. If approval has become a "need" in your life, then you have some work to do.
You begin by understanding that approval seeking is a desire rather than a necessity. We all enjoy applause, compliments, and praise. It feels good when we are stroked. Who would want to give this up? Approval in itself is not unhealthy, in fact, adulation is pleasurable. However, approval seeking is a waste only when it becomes a need rather than a want. If you want the approval, you are simply happy to have the endorsement of other people, but if you need it, you are going to collapse if you don't get it. That is when the self-destructive forces move in.
Similarly, when approval seeking becomes a need, you give up a chunk of yourself to the outside person whose advocacy you must have. If they disapprove, then you become immobilized even if in a small way. So, you see in such a case you have chosen to wear your self-worth on your sleeve for someone to rub or not rub off as they see fit. In other words, you feel good inside only if they decide to administer praise to you. The need for approval of another person is bad enough but the real trouble comes with the need for approval of everyone for every act. Obviously, if you carry around such a need, as most chemically dependent people do, then you are bound for a great deal of misery and frustration in your life. Moreover, you will be incorporating a wishy-washy non-person self-image that will result in the kind of self-rejection that we are desperately working against.
The need for approval must go. No question marks. It must be eradicated from your life if you are going to gain personal fulfillment. Such a need is a psychological dead-end with absolutely no benefits accruing to you. It is impossible to go through life without incurring a great deal of disapproval. It is the way of humanity. The dues you pay for your aliveness are something that simply cannot be avoided. When approval-seeking is a need, possibilities for truth are all but wiped away. If you must be lauded and you send out those kinds of signals, then no one can deal with you straight. Nor can you state with confidence what it is that you think and feel at any moment. Your self is sacrificed to the opinions and predilections of others.
I suppose politicians are a class that fall into this category for approval-seeking. The end result is a lack of trust, as we know. Inevitably, they seem to speak out of both sides of their mouths, saying one thing to please group A and another to win the approbation of group B. There can be no truth if the speaker is shifty and moves around the issues with a skillful kind of maneuvering that is designed to please everyone. Behavior like this is easy to see in politicians but more difficult to see in others.
Perhaps you cooled it in order to placate someone or you find yourself agreeing with someone whose disfavor you fear. You knew you would be unhappy if you were censured, so you modify your behavior to avoid it. It's tough to handle rebuking and easier to adopt behavior that will bring approval but when you take this easy way you are making others' opinions of yourself more important than your own self assessment.. It's a vicious trap and a difficult one to escape in our society.
In order escape the trap of approval-seeking which gives others' opinions control over you, it is important to examine the factors that foster the approval-seeking need. Here is how it appears in our cultures: The need for approval is based on a single assumption. "Don't trust yourself; check it out with someone else first." Our culture is one that reinforces approval behavior as a standard of life. Independent thinking is not only unconventional; it is the enemy of the very institutions that constitutes the bulwark of our society. If you have grown up in this society, you have been affected by this attitude. You make someone else's opinion more important than your own, then if you don't get their approval you have every reason to feel depressed, unworthy, or guilty since they are important to you.
The bestowal of approval can also be a great manipulator. Your worth is lost on others and if they refuse to dole out their approval, you have got nothing. You are without worth, and so it goes. The more flattery you need, the more you can be manipulated by others. Any steps in the direction of self approval and independence of the good opinion of others are movements away from their control. As a result, such moves get labeled as selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, and the like in an effort to keep you dependent. To understand this vicious circle of manipulation consider the profusion of approval-seeking cultural messages which began when you were a child and which continue to bombard you today. It is important to recognize here that young children truly need acceptance from significant adults in their formative years, or what I call positive reinforcement. But remember that approval should not be contingent upon being proper, nor should a child have to get his parents' sanction for everything he says, thinks, feels, or does. Self reliance can be taught in the crib and approval seeking ought not be confused with love seeking.
In order to encourage freedom from the need of approval from adults; it is helpful to give the child an abundance of approval from the beginning.. But remember, if a child grows up to feel that he cannot think or act without first securing the permission of a parent, then the neurotic seeds of self doubt are planted early. Approval-seeking as a self defeating need is mentioned here as a child being conditioned to check it out with mother or dad rather than the very healthy sense of wanting the love and acceptance of a caring parent. Unfortunately, our culture teaches the child to rely on others rather than trusting his own judgment. Check out everything with Mommy or Daddy: what do I eat, when, how much, who can I play with, etc.
You can never escape disapproval. For every opinion you have, there is a counterpart out there with exactly the opposite view. Here are some examples of approval-seeking behavior. Like self-respect, approval-seeking encompasses a large category. Among the most common kinds of approval seeking activities are those detailed here:
1. Changing a position on what you believe because someone shows signs of disapproval
2. Sugar coating a statement to avoid the reaction of displeasure
3. Apple polishing in order to make someone like you
4. Feeling depressed or anxious when someone disagrees with you
5. Feeling insulted or put down when someone states a contrary statement to your own
6. Labeling someone a snob or stuck up which is just another way of saying "pay more attention to me"
7. Agreeing excessively and head nodding even when you don't agree at all with what is being said
8. Performing chores for someone and feeling resentful about not being able to say "no"
9. Being intimidated by a sharp sales person into buying something you don't want or fear taking it back because he won't like you
10. Apologizing for yourself at every turn with excessive "I'm sorries"
11. Behaving in non-conforming ways for the purpose of gaining attention, sort of like negative strokes, like wearing tennis shoes with your tuxedo, or eating a handful of mashed potatoes just to be noticed.
12. Being pathologically late. Here you can't help but be seen and it is an approval-seeking device and gets everyone to pay attention.
13. The list could go on and on
The following are the six payoffs for approval-seeking as a need:
1. Placing responsibility for your feelings on others if you feel the way you do, lousy, hurt, depressed, etc. because someone else doesn't approve of you, then they, not you, are responsible for how you feel
2. If they are responsible for you, you feel, because of withholding their approval, then any changes in you is almost impossible since it then becomes their fault that you feel the way you do. Thus approval-seeking helps you avoid changing.
3. As long as they are responsible and you can't change, you don't have to run any risks. Consequently, hanging on to approval-seeking is a way of life and will help you to conveniently avoid any risk-taking activities.
4. reinforcing a poor self image and therefore encouraging a self pity and do nothing-ism. If you are immune from the need for approval you are immune from self pity when you don't get it.
5. Reinforcing the idea that others must take care of you and, therefore, you can revert to the child in you and can be coddled, protected, and manipulated
6. Blaming others for what you are feeling, thereby creating a scape-goating effect for everything you don't like in your life. It's the same as projections demonstrating to yourself that you are liked by those others you like more than yourself, and thus feeling outwardly comfortable even though there is a cauldron of discontent seething inside of you. As long as the others are more significant, then the outward appearance is more important.
I could go on and on, but these neurotic payoffs are strikingly similar to the rewards for self hate. In fact, the treatment of avoiding responsibility - change and risk - is at the heart of all of self-destructive thinking and behaving. It is just plain easier, more familiar, and less risky to hang on to neurotic behaviors, approval-seeking being one of them.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
About Service
Written by Zentai in 2005 from the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series
About Service
Service:
Service is an attitude founded on the recognition that the world has supported you, fed you, taught you, tested you, whether or not you earned it. Understanding this simple truth can move you to do what you can to repay a foundless debt of gratitude. Service is both a means and an end, for in giving to others, you open yourself to love, abundance, and inner peace. You cannot serve others without uplifting yourself.
I first glimpsed the power of service as a therapist. At first, most of my attention was dedicated to myself - my progress, my problems - until I realized that I enjoyed helping others learn new elements even more than learning those elements myself. When I learned and acquired new knowledge, one person benefited; when I gave that to others, many could benefit. Years later, after a lengthy search for personal enlightenment, my exclusive self-focus again shifted to learning not only for my sake, but for the sake of others. Coincident with this shift, extraordinary masters and teachers began to appear in my life, and doors opened within me and in the world.
Submitting ourselves to the needs of others makes heroes of us all. There are countless ways to make a difference - like stopping to assist someone in need, reaching down to pick up a piece of litter, sharing your talents and energy with others in practical ways - this is what it means to be a part of the human family. Again, I repeat; you are not here to contact your higher self; you are here to become it. Serving those around you in the spirit of love becomes enlightenment.
We begin to serve our world by resolving the apparent contradiction between working on oneself and serving others, followed by a reflection on the gift of life; finding your calling; putting your money where your heart is; and how small, everyday acts can make a big difference in the world.
People think service is a kind of charity - strong people giving to weak people, healthy people giving to sick people, rich people giving to poor people, together people giving to people who aren't so together.
To me, true service is an experience of wholeness, fulfillment, fullness, self-reliance, and self-sufficiency for all parties - an experience of the magnificence and infinite capacity of human beings. When I'm really in service, I disappear. My identify is no longer present. I am one with he or she or that which I am serving. It is actually an experience of Spirit, of unity and wholeness. There is nobody giving and nobody receiving. None of that is happening. There is only an experience of unity. We begin to see that we are the expression of one soul. An act of service is an act of love and trust. It's also an act of responsibility and of courage - a stand for the integrity of human life.
Years ago, a single incident reconciled for me this apparent conflict between social activism and inner work. It happened during a period of intense spiritual growth work on myself - meditation, contemplation, visualization, and self-analysis. One afternoon in Osaka, Japan, as I was walking with an old man, Tanaka san, we came upon several large posters on the side of a building. One showed the gaunt faces of starving children; next to it was a plea to help oppressed people around the world; the third pictured the plight of endangered species.
"You know (speaking in Japanese, of course) , Tanaka san," I said, pointing to the posters, "I feel guilty, or selfish, doing all this work on myself when there are so many people in need-" Tanaka san stopped abruptly, turned to me, and said, "Take a swing at me." "What do you mean, take a swing at you?? Did you hear what I said?" "Come on," he urged, moving like a boxer, goading me. "I'll give you some yin if you can slap me on the face."
I figured this was some kind of test, so I took a swing - and found myself on the ground in a painful wrist lock. As Tanaka san helped me to my feet, he made this point. "You notice how effective the right leverage can be?" "Before you help others, you need to understand them. Before you can understand them, you need to understand yourself. Then you will know how to exert the right leverage at the right place and at the right time. The more clarity and courage your actions reflect, the more impact your efforts will have."
Ben Franklin once wrote, "God helps them that help themselves." As you transcend your own limitations and tendencies, you will naturally show loving-kindness to others.
Once you establish physical and spiritual sufficiency, and find enough free attention, self-worth, and will to cultivate a balanced, energized body; once you rise above the storms of mind and emotions to trust your intuition, meet your shadow and face your fears, embrace both your sexuality and your humanity, and awaken your heart - you will have nothing left to do, and nothing that gives you greater meaning or joy, than simple service. Let me be clear about something here. Being of service does not imply letting others "use" you, exploit you or take advantage of you.
Given that no one ever perfectly masters all the lessons, and that work in each lesson contributes to mastery of all others, ask yourself: How can I begin to share my energy, my talent, my heart with others? What would I choose to do if I were already whole and complete? How would I spend my time, my energy, my life? What will be my priorities?
A final day awaits us all. We may know in advance when our end is near, through declining health, a terminal illness, old age. Or we may have only a few seconds' notice, or none at all.
When the executioner raises his scythe, how many of us may want to say, "Wait! Just another moment, please! Let me take one more sweet breath! Give me one more sight, sound, touch my loved ones! Wait! Just one more moment!"
NOW is the time to see, to listen, to touch - bring our best to life while we have the life for it. How much we have, no one can say. Life itself is a near-death experience. Consider how we appear from nowhere, as microscopic specks on a minuscule, blue-green dot moving through the infinity of space and time. Our lives are ephemeral and brief, each of us one cell among billions on the planet, and yet we strive to love, to serve, to find meaning and fulfillment while we live. Life itself is a hero's journey. In this final lesson you have come full circle, in the sense that the action of service provides the ultimate means to establish a solid sense of self-worth, which, you have learned, can favorably impact every facet of your life - so much so that it is questionable whether the receiver or giver of service should offer the most thanks.
Some time ago, after finishing a lecture at a seminar, a woman came up to me and said in a voice so quiet I could hardly hear her, "Excuse me, could I have just a moment? I said yes and waited. It took her another moment to speak. "What you said - about little things make a big difference? Well I wanted you to know how a man's smile once saved a life - my life."
She had my attention as she continued. "I've always been shy. About four years ago I was also suicidal - I had made two half-hearted attempts, but I had decided I was going to do it once and for all. I didn't believe anyone cared whether I lived or died, so I didn't care, either. I was on the way home where I was going to do it, when I saw a man - a nice-looking man, walking in the opposite direction. I don't usually look at people, but in the state I was in, it didn't matter, so I looked at him and he looked back and smiled at me." She smiled as she said this. "He had a wonderful smile, and then he was gone.
"It sounds crazy, I know," she said, "but his smiling at me - it was something I wanted to hold on to for a while, so I - I didn't kill myself that day, or the next. Then I decided to stick around and get some help. Things are better now. I have a boyfriend I love a lot, and a job I like. I just wanted you to know that little things sure can make a difference. Oh, my name is Cheryl," she said, smiling.
Cheryl's story has a clear moral: Although a few of us have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, most of us don't have enough self-importance. We forget that people are watching us, learning from us, being affected and influenced by our example.
Few of us really understand how a kind word, a note to a waiter or waitress, the act of picking up some litter,, or flashing a smile can offer needed encouragement, lift someone's spirit, or make their day. And who knows? It might even save a life.
About Service
Service:
Service is an attitude founded on the recognition that the world has supported you, fed you, taught you, tested you, whether or not you earned it. Understanding this simple truth can move you to do what you can to repay a foundless debt of gratitude. Service is both a means and an end, for in giving to others, you open yourself to love, abundance, and inner peace. You cannot serve others without uplifting yourself.
I first glimpsed the power of service as a therapist. At first, most of my attention was dedicated to myself - my progress, my problems - until I realized that I enjoyed helping others learn new elements even more than learning those elements myself. When I learned and acquired new knowledge, one person benefited; when I gave that to others, many could benefit. Years later, after a lengthy search for personal enlightenment, my exclusive self-focus again shifted to learning not only for my sake, but for the sake of others. Coincident with this shift, extraordinary masters and teachers began to appear in my life, and doors opened within me and in the world.
Submitting ourselves to the needs of others makes heroes of us all. There are countless ways to make a difference - like stopping to assist someone in need, reaching down to pick up a piece of litter, sharing your talents and energy with others in practical ways - this is what it means to be a part of the human family. Again, I repeat; you are not here to contact your higher self; you are here to become it. Serving those around you in the spirit of love becomes enlightenment.
We begin to serve our world by resolving the apparent contradiction between working on oneself and serving others, followed by a reflection on the gift of life; finding your calling; putting your money where your heart is; and how small, everyday acts can make a big difference in the world.
People think service is a kind of charity - strong people giving to weak people, healthy people giving to sick people, rich people giving to poor people, together people giving to people who aren't so together.
To me, true service is an experience of wholeness, fulfillment, fullness, self-reliance, and self-sufficiency for all parties - an experience of the magnificence and infinite capacity of human beings. When I'm really in service, I disappear. My identify is no longer present. I am one with he or she or that which I am serving. It is actually an experience of Spirit, of unity and wholeness. There is nobody giving and nobody receiving. None of that is happening. There is only an experience of unity. We begin to see that we are the expression of one soul. An act of service is an act of love and trust. It's also an act of responsibility and of courage - a stand for the integrity of human life.
Years ago, a single incident reconciled for me this apparent conflict between social activism and inner work. It happened during a period of intense spiritual growth work on myself - meditation, contemplation, visualization, and self-analysis. One afternoon in Osaka, Japan, as I was walking with an old man, Tanaka san, we came upon several large posters on the side of a building. One showed the gaunt faces of starving children; next to it was a plea to help oppressed people around the world; the third pictured the plight of endangered species.
"You know (speaking in Japanese, of course) , Tanaka san," I said, pointing to the posters, "I feel guilty, or selfish, doing all this work on myself when there are so many people in need-" Tanaka san stopped abruptly, turned to me, and said, "Take a swing at me." "What do you mean, take a swing at you?? Did you hear what I said?" "Come on," he urged, moving like a boxer, goading me. "I'll give you some yin if you can slap me on the face."
I figured this was some kind of test, so I took a swing - and found myself on the ground in a painful wrist lock. As Tanaka san helped me to my feet, he made this point. "You notice how effective the right leverage can be?" "Before you help others, you need to understand them. Before you can understand them, you need to understand yourself. Then you will know how to exert the right leverage at the right place and at the right time. The more clarity and courage your actions reflect, the more impact your efforts will have."
Ben Franklin once wrote, "God helps them that help themselves." As you transcend your own limitations and tendencies, you will naturally show loving-kindness to others.
Once you establish physical and spiritual sufficiency, and find enough free attention, self-worth, and will to cultivate a balanced, energized body; once you rise above the storms of mind and emotions to trust your intuition, meet your shadow and face your fears, embrace both your sexuality and your humanity, and awaken your heart - you will have nothing left to do, and nothing that gives you greater meaning or joy, than simple service. Let me be clear about something here. Being of service does not imply letting others "use" you, exploit you or take advantage of you.
Given that no one ever perfectly masters all the lessons, and that work in each lesson contributes to mastery of all others, ask yourself: How can I begin to share my energy, my talent, my heart with others? What would I choose to do if I were already whole and complete? How would I spend my time, my energy, my life? What will be my priorities?
A final day awaits us all. We may know in advance when our end is near, through declining health, a terminal illness, old age. Or we may have only a few seconds' notice, or none at all.
When the executioner raises his scythe, how many of us may want to say, "Wait! Just another moment, please! Let me take one more sweet breath! Give me one more sight, sound, touch my loved ones! Wait! Just one more moment!"
NOW is the time to see, to listen, to touch - bring our best to life while we have the life for it. How much we have, no one can say. Life itself is a near-death experience. Consider how we appear from nowhere, as microscopic specks on a minuscule, blue-green dot moving through the infinity of space and time. Our lives are ephemeral and brief, each of us one cell among billions on the planet, and yet we strive to love, to serve, to find meaning and fulfillment while we live. Life itself is a hero's journey. In this final lesson you have come full circle, in the sense that the action of service provides the ultimate means to establish a solid sense of self-worth, which, you have learned, can favorably impact every facet of your life - so much so that it is questionable whether the receiver or giver of service should offer the most thanks.
Some time ago, after finishing a lecture at a seminar, a woman came up to me and said in a voice so quiet I could hardly hear her, "Excuse me, could I have just a moment? I said yes and waited. It took her another moment to speak. "What you said - about little things make a big difference? Well I wanted you to know how a man's smile once saved a life - my life."
She had my attention as she continued. "I've always been shy. About four years ago I was also suicidal - I had made two half-hearted attempts, but I had decided I was going to do it once and for all. I didn't believe anyone cared whether I lived or died, so I didn't care, either. I was on the way home where I was going to do it, when I saw a man - a nice-looking man, walking in the opposite direction. I don't usually look at people, but in the state I was in, it didn't matter, so I looked at him and he looked back and smiled at me." She smiled as she said this. "He had a wonderful smile, and then he was gone.
"It sounds crazy, I know," she said, "but his smiling at me - it was something I wanted to hold on to for a while, so I - I didn't kill myself that day, or the next. Then I decided to stick around and get some help. Things are better now. I have a boyfriend I love a lot, and a job I like. I just wanted you to know that little things sure can make a difference. Oh, my name is Cheryl," she said, smiling.
Cheryl's story has a clear moral: Although a few of us have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, most of us don't have enough self-importance. We forget that people are watching us, learning from us, being affected and influenced by our example.
Few of us really understand how a kind word, a note to a waiter or waitress, the act of picking up some litter,, or flashing a smile can offer needed encouragement, lift someone's spirit, or make their day. And who knows? It might even save a life.
Friday, October 29, 2010
10 years clean and sober
October 29, 2010
10 years clean and sober
Today marks a milestone in my life. It was 10 years ago today that I had my last drink, my last drug, and my last Jail booking. Prior to that, I spent a lifetime seeking that next drink or drug, many times in jails, prisons and institutions. That journey saw me having negative impacts on everything and everyone I came in contact with. Today I am a different person, seeing the positive things in life, doing my best to help others, myself and family.
It took a long recovery program to get this addict clean and sober. I was “out there” for over 35 years, so it took 2+ years in programs and supervised recovery to get here (recovery).
In 1992, I found myself “walking” the “yard” in San Quentin State Prison. That in itself was a bad thing, but to make things worse, I was walking the yard with my 19 year old son. It was a joke in the prison, the “family affair” in prison. Yea, we laughed about it, but deep down, it was the ultimate degradation. My journey in the prison system continued until 2000, Oct. 29th, the end of a life of addiction and the beginning of a new life in recovery.
My “out there” years had taken everything about me, away. My family, wife, all material objects, my dignity and freedom.
I started my addiction at an early age, so as time went by in my life, I thought what I was doing was normal. I was so caught up in that life that I didn’t realize that life was passing me by and I didn’t have a clue what was really happening in the world about me.
As time passes in recovery, I look back at all the wasted time in my life and wished I could set the clock back. We all know that isn’t possible, so I have to accept that, and move forward in the now.
My early recovery after incarceration and the programs were spent attending many AA and NA meetings. I got into online recovery in 2004 and I’m sure that it had an impact on my staying clean and sober. I won’t go into detail on that at this time, just enough to say thank you to all those that I’ve come into contact online since. It’s given me responsibility, daily involvement in recovery and a whole lot of friends throughout the world.
I live life on life’s terms today, accepting the good with the bad. I do know that whatever negative things happen in my life, a drink or drug will not help solve anything. It can only make things worse. Dealing with the negative, clean and sober, gives me the opportunity to either, make better, solve, or accept the situation at hand. I wish I could say that everything is great, but I can only say that it is better. I accept that where I’m at today, is where I am, and probably where I should be. That doesn’t stop me from striving to be better though, and that is what I do today.
For those still “out there”, give yourself a break from your addiction or drinking and see what life is waiting to give to you. Try it………. You’ll like it, lol. If you don’t, you can go back to that life of misery.
Thanks to everyone that posted congrats to me, and thanks to all the emails I received from around the world today. My inbox has about 100 or so emails from folks in recovery. It’s nice to see positives things today and not the negatives that I lived most of my life. I have much more to say, but for now, I’ll leave it like this.
Have a great day everyone!!!
Milkman Mike
DOS 10-29-00
10 years clean and sober
Today marks a milestone in my life. It was 10 years ago today that I had my last drink, my last drug, and my last Jail booking. Prior to that, I spent a lifetime seeking that next drink or drug, many times in jails, prisons and institutions. That journey saw me having negative impacts on everything and everyone I came in contact with. Today I am a different person, seeing the positive things in life, doing my best to help others, myself and family.
It took a long recovery program to get this addict clean and sober. I was “out there” for over 35 years, so it took 2+ years in programs and supervised recovery to get here (recovery).
In 1992, I found myself “walking” the “yard” in San Quentin State Prison. That in itself was a bad thing, but to make things worse, I was walking the yard with my 19 year old son. It was a joke in the prison, the “family affair” in prison. Yea, we laughed about it, but deep down, it was the ultimate degradation. My journey in the prison system continued until 2000, Oct. 29th, the end of a life of addiction and the beginning of a new life in recovery.
My “out there” years had taken everything about me, away. My family, wife, all material objects, my dignity and freedom.
I started my addiction at an early age, so as time went by in my life, I thought what I was doing was normal. I was so caught up in that life that I didn’t realize that life was passing me by and I didn’t have a clue what was really happening in the world about me.
As time passes in recovery, I look back at all the wasted time in my life and wished I could set the clock back. We all know that isn’t possible, so I have to accept that, and move forward in the now.
My early recovery after incarceration and the programs were spent attending many AA and NA meetings. I got into online recovery in 2004 and I’m sure that it had an impact on my staying clean and sober. I won’t go into detail on that at this time, just enough to say thank you to all those that I’ve come into contact online since. It’s given me responsibility, daily involvement in recovery and a whole lot of friends throughout the world.
I live life on life’s terms today, accepting the good with the bad. I do know that whatever negative things happen in my life, a drink or drug will not help solve anything. It can only make things worse. Dealing with the negative, clean and sober, gives me the opportunity to either, make better, solve, or accept the situation at hand. I wish I could say that everything is great, but I can only say that it is better. I accept that where I’m at today, is where I am, and probably where I should be. That doesn’t stop me from striving to be better though, and that is what I do today.
For those still “out there”, give yourself a break from your addiction or drinking and see what life is waiting to give to you. Try it………. You’ll like it, lol. If you don’t, you can go back to that life of misery.
Thanks to everyone that posted congrats to me, and thanks to all the emails I received from around the world today. My inbox has about 100 or so emails from folks in recovery. It’s nice to see positives things today and not the negatives that I lived most of my life. I have much more to say, but for now, I’ll leave it like this.
Have a great day everyone!!!
Milkman Mike
DOS 10-29-00
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Paradox
Written by Zentai in 2005
--------------------------------
Paradox
I often use the term paradox. The dictionary definition of paradox is: "A statement that seems contradictory, unbelievable or absurd but that may actually be true in fact. Something inconsistent with common experience." I can also add that an occurrence opposite from one's expectations is a paradox.
Everything about living well seems to be paradoxical to what we have been trained to believe. For example, we are trained to believe that it is wrong or dangerous to love ourselves and that no one else will love us if we do love ourselves. This is paradoxical because the better we are able to love ourselves, the more love we generate for others and the more love we receive from others. Likewise, the more we take care of our own needs and wants, the more others want to be around us and offer to help us. Incidentally, the more that you caretake others to the exclusion of yourself, which is what we have been trained to do, the more resentment we foster in both ourselves and in those being caretaken. Another paradox; the more secure you feel about yourself, the more open and vulnerable you can be around others, the more power others give you. We are taught that we have to defend and protect ourselves that we cannot appear vulnerable or others will take advantage of us. Actually, the opposite occurs.
The easiest and fastest way to understand paradox is through the use of humor. Laugh at yourself and with others. Do not take anything that seriously. It is all a game and we are all players. The best we can be occurs when we let go and have fun and play the game spontaneously. This is the paradox of life. Enjoy it.
I want to give you a glimpse of that which can't really be talked about!: the nature of truth and the Self. You must remember that language was not designed to express the truth and yet it is what we have to communicate with. In ordinary, everyday life, what people mean by the term "truth" is a position they believe in. This sort of "truth" mechanically gives rise to an opposite opposing position, so when you say "X" is right, that gives rise to the opposing position that "not-X" is right, with absolute reliability. It doesn't happen just sometimes; it happens each and every time you take a position. A position always calls into being its own opposition. This should give you a hint about what the truth is.
The truth, with respect to "X" and "not-X," is that "X" and "not-X" are both right and they are both wrong. The truth then is a context that contains the paradox of opposite position both being right and both being wrong. It happens that the mind is not capable of holding the truth as paradox. Therefore you cannot experience the truth with your mind, which is a right/wrong machine designed for survival of individuality. This all comes into clear focus in the realm of love and commitment. When you say "I love you" to someone, that automatically creates its opposite which may be "I don't love you" or "I hate you." As you can see, there is sometimes more than one opposite. So, if you are the carrier of "I love you" and you put it out as a position, it mechanically produces its opposite somewhere. That somewhere may be in the mind of the person you love from a position. What may come up in his/her mind is, "But I don't love you." In case they come up with the same position, "I love you," then you will become the carrier of "I don't love you." "I love you/I don't love you" is known as ambivalence. The only way you can avoid ambivalence is if the "love object" is willing to carry "But I don't love you." If both of you take the position”I love you," what will happen is that you both become the carriers of the opposing position. This inevitable condition of ambivalence calls into being commitment, if here is intention for the relationship to last. A relationship of”I love you / I don't love you" can be held in that context and both positions contribute to the context. The outcome is that "I don't love you" is a validation of the context of love in which it is held and powers the relationship. Creating a context of love, that is, being your Self, or the Self, means a willingness to put your very existence on the line in the form of commitment. You must see that love cannot be maintained, has never been maintained, will never be maintained, from the level of the mind. Here is what you "can" do about it: develop the "intention" to have your relationship work. Out of your intention, in the condition of integrity, comes a naturally created "commitment". It is simply there, not as a concept, but as a natural, living, spontaneous commitment. Obviously then, integrity and intention are the qualities you must uncover in your Self if you want relationships that work.
So, here is how to accomplish it all. Life works well if you if you simply do what is appropriate with the fundamentals of intention and integrity. What is appropriate to this fundamental level is: (1) tell the truth, all of it, at all times, and (2) be absolutely true to your ideals until you realize that your ideals are actually your blocks in life. At that point they will become your former ideals. After that, you simply do what works. Fundamentally, what works is to tell the truth, all of it, at all times. This brings you back to the truth as paradox. The truth is that "I love you / I don't love you" and ”I am committed to you / I am not committed to you" exist at all times, side by side, in the same space of the Self. If you really get this at the level of unity of being, it becomes unimportant who is carrying which position at any given moment. The Self is the only context large enough to contain a working love relationship between two people. The path to the Self is communication. If you have no intention of your relationship working you will avoid communication. When and if you get beyond avoidance of communication, you will have to confront the truth as paradox. Your positional mind won't like it that you also contain the opposite position. Nevertheless, the truth "is" paradox and only the truth works. To get the truth as paradox, you have to check back into your life and be your Self.
--------------------------------
Paradox
I often use the term paradox. The dictionary definition of paradox is: "A statement that seems contradictory, unbelievable or absurd but that may actually be true in fact. Something inconsistent with common experience." I can also add that an occurrence opposite from one's expectations is a paradox.
Everything about living well seems to be paradoxical to what we have been trained to believe. For example, we are trained to believe that it is wrong or dangerous to love ourselves and that no one else will love us if we do love ourselves. This is paradoxical because the better we are able to love ourselves, the more love we generate for others and the more love we receive from others. Likewise, the more we take care of our own needs and wants, the more others want to be around us and offer to help us. Incidentally, the more that you caretake others to the exclusion of yourself, which is what we have been trained to do, the more resentment we foster in both ourselves and in those being caretaken. Another paradox; the more secure you feel about yourself, the more open and vulnerable you can be around others, the more power others give you. We are taught that we have to defend and protect ourselves that we cannot appear vulnerable or others will take advantage of us. Actually, the opposite occurs.
The easiest and fastest way to understand paradox is through the use of humor. Laugh at yourself and with others. Do not take anything that seriously. It is all a game and we are all players. The best we can be occurs when we let go and have fun and play the game spontaneously. This is the paradox of life. Enjoy it.
I want to give you a glimpse of that which can't really be talked about!: the nature of truth and the Self. You must remember that language was not designed to express the truth and yet it is what we have to communicate with. In ordinary, everyday life, what people mean by the term "truth" is a position they believe in. This sort of "truth" mechanically gives rise to an opposite opposing position, so when you say "X" is right, that gives rise to the opposing position that "not-X" is right, with absolute reliability. It doesn't happen just sometimes; it happens each and every time you take a position. A position always calls into being its own opposition. This should give you a hint about what the truth is.
The truth, with respect to "X" and "not-X," is that "X" and "not-X" are both right and they are both wrong. The truth then is a context that contains the paradox of opposite position both being right and both being wrong. It happens that the mind is not capable of holding the truth as paradox. Therefore you cannot experience the truth with your mind, which is a right/wrong machine designed for survival of individuality. This all comes into clear focus in the realm of love and commitment. When you say "I love you" to someone, that automatically creates its opposite which may be "I don't love you" or "I hate you." As you can see, there is sometimes more than one opposite. So, if you are the carrier of "I love you" and you put it out as a position, it mechanically produces its opposite somewhere. That somewhere may be in the mind of the person you love from a position. What may come up in his/her mind is, "But I don't love you." In case they come up with the same position, "I love you," then you will become the carrier of "I don't love you." "I love you/I don't love you" is known as ambivalence. The only way you can avoid ambivalence is if the "love object" is willing to carry "But I don't love you." If both of you take the position”I love you," what will happen is that you both become the carriers of the opposing position. This inevitable condition of ambivalence calls into being commitment, if here is intention for the relationship to last. A relationship of”I love you / I don't love you" can be held in that context and both positions contribute to the context. The outcome is that "I don't love you" is a validation of the context of love in which it is held and powers the relationship. Creating a context of love, that is, being your Self, or the Self, means a willingness to put your very existence on the line in the form of commitment. You must see that love cannot be maintained, has never been maintained, will never be maintained, from the level of the mind. Here is what you "can" do about it: develop the "intention" to have your relationship work. Out of your intention, in the condition of integrity, comes a naturally created "commitment". It is simply there, not as a concept, but as a natural, living, spontaneous commitment. Obviously then, integrity and intention are the qualities you must uncover in your Self if you want relationships that work.
So, here is how to accomplish it all. Life works well if you if you simply do what is appropriate with the fundamentals of intention and integrity. What is appropriate to this fundamental level is: (1) tell the truth, all of it, at all times, and (2) be absolutely true to your ideals until you realize that your ideals are actually your blocks in life. At that point they will become your former ideals. After that, you simply do what works. Fundamentally, what works is to tell the truth, all of it, at all times. This brings you back to the truth as paradox. The truth is that "I love you / I don't love you" and ”I am committed to you / I am not committed to you" exist at all times, side by side, in the same space of the Self. If you really get this at the level of unity of being, it becomes unimportant who is carrying which position at any given moment. The Self is the only context large enough to contain a working love relationship between two people. The path to the Self is communication. If you have no intention of your relationship working you will avoid communication. When and if you get beyond avoidance of communication, you will have to confront the truth as paradox. Your positional mind won't like it that you also contain the opposite position. Nevertheless, the truth "is" paradox and only the truth works. To get the truth as paradox, you have to check back into your life and be your Self.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Taking care of business
I've just finished getting together numerous paperwork for the State Tax Board, as I'm trying to reduce a monthly payment on taxes incurred in the 1980's due to my irresponsible actions (non-actions would be more like it, lol). I sent all this info 3 months ago and just heard from them this week saying that the material I sent had been "lost" "misplaced" or something like that. (Our government at work).
Anyway, I'm doing my part to try to get a resolution on this, and I know that if I were still drinking, I would just pass it off. I've paid 10 fold of the original tax bills thru the years with interest, penalties and such and hoping to get it resolved. Wish me luck, lol.
I'm hoping to get it resolved before Meg Whitman (if she does) fills the govenor seat. I doubt she'll let ANYONE off the hook. Business is business, lol.
Just some thoughts from the Milkman, have a great day all.
Anyway, I'm doing my part to try to get a resolution on this, and I know that if I were still drinking, I would just pass it off. I've paid 10 fold of the original tax bills thru the years with interest, penalties and such and hoping to get it resolved. Wish me luck, lol.
I'm hoping to get it resolved before Meg Whitman (if she does) fills the govenor seat. I doubt she'll let ANYONE off the hook. Business is business, lol.
Just some thoughts from the Milkman, have a great day all.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Downer Feelings
Downer Feelings
An article created by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series
Downer Feelings
Why do I need you to love me in order to like myself?
A day in a life: Tina always gets up an hour before her husband, Ernie, so that she can have the bathroom to herself while she gets ready for work. She never allows Ernie to see her without her war paint and hairstyle intact. And she doesn't dare risk his anger if he's unable to use the bathroom when he wants. As she slips quietly out of bed, she tugs her nightgown down hastily, just in case her husband awakes. If he should see those extra pounds around her waist, there would be trouble. Later, at work, Tina overhears her boss refer to her as his "girl." She is annoyed but says nothing. At a meeting on a department project, a colleague presents a proposal as entirely her own, although Tina did a substantial share of the groundwork. She doesn't mention her contribution because she's worried about offending this woman, whose position is higher than her own.
A typical day in Tina's life may seem farfetched, but it is only a slight exaggeration of the way many of us live our lives. Day after day, our time and energy are devoted to the futile search for the behavior that will ensure we will be liked. Approval craving might seem like a strong term, but only a powerful word such as "craving" adequately describes the powerful hold this need has on so many people. And the need masks a genuine terror of rejection. Many, perhaps most, of us "must" have others love us before we can ever begin to like and accept ourselves. Over concern with what people think of you and the accompanying fear of rejection can create a life based on decisions made strictly to guarantee acceptance. Extreme approval cravers dress to please, and smile no matter what. They avoid saying what they really think. It is as if a censor is working overtime in their heads, editing and reediting the material they are willing to share with others. Some people have strong approval needs in more-specific situations. Like many of us, they are not bothered by disapproval fears most of the time. But in certain specific situations, they become overwhelmed with the need to please and be liked and in the process they easily become possessive and jealous. Their philosophy is: "Where is your ass so I can plant my lips on it."
Connie, a bank loan officer, is extremely assertive on the job. She is never plagued by worries about rejection when she turns down an applicant for a loan. Yet with her steady boyfriend, Dudly Do Right, she's a mess, always hovering about, anxious to please him and trying to anticipate his every need. If she fails, she's afraid he might not marry her and she wouldn't be able to find another man. Crap. Do you crave approval? As you look through your answers to these questions, be honest with yourself. Find the patterns in your own behavior.
• Are you inappropriately compliant with your supervisor?
• Have you slipped into workaholism in order to assure acceptance?
• Do you engage in backstabbing or scapegoating of other, more vulnerable workers in order to enhance your position?
• Do you experience inappropriate levels of anxiety when asking for a raise or making any other reasonable work request?
• Do you avoid approaching people who might be desirable to meet, because you are convinced they will not find you acceptable?
• Are you too open too soon with new acquaintances in the hope of winning them over?
• Do you make yourself look bad if you feel a friend is jealous of something you have?
• Are you afraid to tell a friend what you really think of his/her inappropriate behavior toward you?
Is all that stuff normal? If you define normal as the norm, then the answer to this would be yes! It is normal to see insecurity, envy, arrogance, greed, possessiveness, depression, etc., in almost all of the people that we know. Many of our dysfunctional traits and states are what we commonly call "the human condition." Perhaps it would be more appropriate to call many of our ailments the result of the training or programming we learned or were conditioned to. Too many of us have been excellent students of an inappropriate and faulty system for coping and living well.
We have been taught that we are our feelings and that we are not responsible for the way we are feeling. We excuse inappropriate behaviors by saying things like, "Oh well, you know how upset he is" or "It's not her fault because she's having a bad time." We have been trained to believe that our feelings control us, that other people's behaviors control us and that our reactions are not under our own control. How often we hear or say, "You are making me angry" or “What you are doing is making me jealous" or "I can't be angry at them because they can't help themselves" or "The world is making me depressed because nothing is working the way I want it to." There are literally thousands of examples similar to these in which our responsibility for our actions or feelings is given to someone or something outside of our control.
The model of”you are what you do" not only implies that you should be able to control your destiny but that you should also be able to control others around you so that you can achieve your goals. It does not teach us how to control ourselves and it does not teach us what our responsibilities are.
If your goal is to be balanced, to act responsibly, to let go of the craziness of life, to learn self-esteem and practice social interest, then you will find small comfort in being one of the many miserable people in the world. Misery may love company but how many of us love misery - particularly when it is unnecessary. Unnecessary pain is the pain that results from own insecurity. Insecurity is not a necessary condition of the human adult. It hampers maturity. Possessiveness, jealousy, and depression, along with a host of other ailments, are not necessary nor do they serve any positive purpose except to confirm what excellent students we have been. There is enough real pain in the world that cannot be conquered. There is no need to make more pain. By learning to be secure with ourselves, we can eliminate the unnecessary pains, the "trauma dramas" of everyday life.
An article created by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series
Downer Feelings
Why do I need you to love me in order to like myself?
A day in a life: Tina always gets up an hour before her husband, Ernie, so that she can have the bathroom to herself while she gets ready for work. She never allows Ernie to see her without her war paint and hairstyle intact. And she doesn't dare risk his anger if he's unable to use the bathroom when he wants. As she slips quietly out of bed, she tugs her nightgown down hastily, just in case her husband awakes. If he should see those extra pounds around her waist, there would be trouble. Later, at work, Tina overhears her boss refer to her as his "girl." She is annoyed but says nothing. At a meeting on a department project, a colleague presents a proposal as entirely her own, although Tina did a substantial share of the groundwork. She doesn't mention her contribution because she's worried about offending this woman, whose position is higher than her own.
A typical day in Tina's life may seem farfetched, but it is only a slight exaggeration of the way many of us live our lives. Day after day, our time and energy are devoted to the futile search for the behavior that will ensure we will be liked. Approval craving might seem like a strong term, but only a powerful word such as "craving" adequately describes the powerful hold this need has on so many people. And the need masks a genuine terror of rejection. Many, perhaps most, of us "must" have others love us before we can ever begin to like and accept ourselves. Over concern with what people think of you and the accompanying fear of rejection can create a life based on decisions made strictly to guarantee acceptance. Extreme approval cravers dress to please, and smile no matter what. They avoid saying what they really think. It is as if a censor is working overtime in their heads, editing and reediting the material they are willing to share with others. Some people have strong approval needs in more-specific situations. Like many of us, they are not bothered by disapproval fears most of the time. But in certain specific situations, they become overwhelmed with the need to please and be liked and in the process they easily become possessive and jealous. Their philosophy is: "Where is your ass so I can plant my lips on it."
Connie, a bank loan officer, is extremely assertive on the job. She is never plagued by worries about rejection when she turns down an applicant for a loan. Yet with her steady boyfriend, Dudly Do Right, she's a mess, always hovering about, anxious to please him and trying to anticipate his every need. If she fails, she's afraid he might not marry her and she wouldn't be able to find another man. Crap. Do you crave approval? As you look through your answers to these questions, be honest with yourself. Find the patterns in your own behavior.
• Are you inappropriately compliant with your supervisor?
• Have you slipped into workaholism in order to assure acceptance?
• Do you engage in backstabbing or scapegoating of other, more vulnerable workers in order to enhance your position?
• Do you experience inappropriate levels of anxiety when asking for a raise or making any other reasonable work request?
• Do you avoid approaching people who might be desirable to meet, because you are convinced they will not find you acceptable?
• Are you too open too soon with new acquaintances in the hope of winning them over?
• Do you make yourself look bad if you feel a friend is jealous of something you have?
• Are you afraid to tell a friend what you really think of his/her inappropriate behavior toward you?
Is all that stuff normal? If you define normal as the norm, then the answer to this would be yes! It is normal to see insecurity, envy, arrogance, greed, possessiveness, depression, etc., in almost all of the people that we know. Many of our dysfunctional traits and states are what we commonly call "the human condition." Perhaps it would be more appropriate to call many of our ailments the result of the training or programming we learned or were conditioned to. Too many of us have been excellent students of an inappropriate and faulty system for coping and living well.
We have been taught that we are our feelings and that we are not responsible for the way we are feeling. We excuse inappropriate behaviors by saying things like, "Oh well, you know how upset he is" or "It's not her fault because she's having a bad time." We have been trained to believe that our feelings control us, that other people's behaviors control us and that our reactions are not under our own control. How often we hear or say, "You are making me angry" or “What you are doing is making me jealous" or "I can't be angry at them because they can't help themselves" or "The world is making me depressed because nothing is working the way I want it to." There are literally thousands of examples similar to these in which our responsibility for our actions or feelings is given to someone or something outside of our control.
The model of”you are what you do" not only implies that you should be able to control your destiny but that you should also be able to control others around you so that you can achieve your goals. It does not teach us how to control ourselves and it does not teach us what our responsibilities are.
If your goal is to be balanced, to act responsibly, to let go of the craziness of life, to learn self-esteem and practice social interest, then you will find small comfort in being one of the many miserable people in the world. Misery may love company but how many of us love misery - particularly when it is unnecessary. Unnecessary pain is the pain that results from own insecurity. Insecurity is not a necessary condition of the human adult. It hampers maturity. Possessiveness, jealousy, and depression, along with a host of other ailments, are not necessary nor do they serve any positive purpose except to confirm what excellent students we have been. There is enough real pain in the world that cannot be conquered. There is no need to make more pain. By learning to be secure with ourselves, we can eliminate the unnecessary pains, the "trauma dramas" of everyday life.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Fairness
This aritcle was written by a man known as Zentai to the online recovery community.
Fairness
If the world were so organized that everything had to be fair, no living creature could survive for a day! The birds would be forbidden to eat worms and everyone's self interests would have to be served. We are conditioned to look for justice in life and when it doesn't appear we tend to feel anger, anxiety, or frustration. Actually, it would be equally productive to search for the Fountain of Youth or some such myth. Justice does not exit! It never has, and it never will. The world is not put together that way. Robins eat worms. Spiders eat flies, that's not fair to the flies.
You only have to look at nature to realize there is no justice in the world. Tornado's, floods, tsunami, droughts are all unfair. It's a mythological concept, this justice business. The world and the people in it go on being unfair every day. You can choose to be happy or unhappy but it has nothing to do with the lack of justice or fairness you see around you. This is not a sour view of humanity and the world but rather an accurate report of what the world is like.
Justice is simply a concept that has almost no applicability, particularly as it pertains to your own beliefs about fulfillment and happiness. But too many of us tend to demand that fairness be an inherent part of our relationships with others. We say things like "It isn't fair. You have no right to do that if I can't." Or, "Would I do that to you?" We seek justice and use the lack of it as a justification for unhappiness. The demand for justice is not neurotic behavior. It only becomes an immobilization when you punish yourself with a negative emotion as you fail to see evidence of the justice that you so futily demand. In this case the self defeating behavior is not the demand for justice but the immobilization that may result from "no justice reality".
Contradictorily, our culture promises justice. Politicians refer to it in all their campaign speeches, yet day after day, century after century, the lack of justice continues. Poverty, war, pestilence, crime, prostitution, dope and murder persist generation after generation in public and private life, and if the history of humanity can be used as a guide, they will continue. Therefore, injustice is a constant, but you in your infinite new esteem can decide to fight that injustice and refuse to be seduced into being emotionally immobilized over it. You can work at helping to eradicate injustice and you can decide that you won't be psychologically defeated by it.
The legal system promises justice. The people demand justice and some of them even work to make it happen, but generally it doesn't. Prisons are full of poor people - not as many with money, power, and position. You know that. Those with money are not convicted; judges and policemen are often bought off by the powerful. A President and Vice President are pardoned and wrist slapped for obvious felonies. The poor people in the jails have next to no chance of beating the system. It's not fair, but it's true. The demand for justice may infiltrate your personal relationships and prevent you from communicating effectively with others. The "It's not fair" slogan is one of the more common and destructive laments made by one person against another. In order for you to consider something unfair you must compare yourself to another individual or group of individuals.
The reality that life is not fair seems to be one of the most difficult and painful concepts for people to accept. Perhaps the reason for this is that our western linear model implies that it is a fair world and if you work hard enough and long enough, you will achieve your goals. Perhaps the ideals behind the creation of our cultures, the values of equality and fairness for all, have led us to assume that this is the way the world should work. Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that we want the world to be fair. We want to be able to depend on something concrete and we want some guarantees for our safety, security, and well-being. The fact that these guarantees do not exist does not stop us from wanting them. Many of our defense mechanisms, our illusions, and our denials have to do with not accepting the fact that life is unfair. It is not sad; it is just one of life's truths.
Life is not fair because "fairness" is a value judgment. This means that what is fair is subjective - it changes according to who is rating what and when and why. What is fair to me today may no longer be fair tomorrow or in different circumstances or around different people.. An example: the promotion that I worked hard for but was given to you is not fair to me but very fair according to your perspective. And even if you agree with me that it was not fair, next month you will justify the fairness of it by believing you are doing a good job.
The importance of the concept that life is not fair is not in the explanation of it but in the acceptance. The question, "Why not?" is a crazy-making one. There will always be reasons why life should be fair to you and you may spend hours defending, denying, fighting, or being depressed because something unfair has happened again. The big issues of unfairness, the life-and-death issues, will never be explained in a way that makes sense. There is no answer to the why question when someone you love is dying. We may know the how - cancer, heart disease, another disease, accident - but we will never know the why. And pondering the why causes dysfunctional behavior. This is a very different process from accepting and grieving. Grief eventually ends; it is a natural process. Wondering why may never end; it is unproductive. At some point, we must let go of the why, accept the reality, and get on with the living.
Trying to make the world fair is both destructive and self-defeating. Many good-natured people run around trying to fix the unfairness of it all. Some of these we call codependents, some are living martyrs. Codependents and living martyrs tend to be filled with anger, resentment, envy, and insecurity. The nonacceptance of this concept creates bitterness, unhappiness, and unnecessary pain and prevents the possibility of growth. This is truly not fair!
The paradox here is that the acceptance of the reality that life is unfair often leads to behaviors which are more objective, more loving and caring, and more realistic than the behaviors of the non accepting. These accepting ones are often perceived as more "fair" than those who are trying to force the world to be fair.
Fairness
If the world were so organized that everything had to be fair, no living creature could survive for a day! The birds would be forbidden to eat worms and everyone's self interests would have to be served. We are conditioned to look for justice in life and when it doesn't appear we tend to feel anger, anxiety, or frustration. Actually, it would be equally productive to search for the Fountain of Youth or some such myth. Justice does not exit! It never has, and it never will. The world is not put together that way. Robins eat worms. Spiders eat flies, that's not fair to the flies.
You only have to look at nature to realize there is no justice in the world. Tornado's, floods, tsunami, droughts are all unfair. It's a mythological concept, this justice business. The world and the people in it go on being unfair every day. You can choose to be happy or unhappy but it has nothing to do with the lack of justice or fairness you see around you. This is not a sour view of humanity and the world but rather an accurate report of what the world is like.
Justice is simply a concept that has almost no applicability, particularly as it pertains to your own beliefs about fulfillment and happiness. But too many of us tend to demand that fairness be an inherent part of our relationships with others. We say things like "It isn't fair. You have no right to do that if I can't." Or, "Would I do that to you?" We seek justice and use the lack of it as a justification for unhappiness. The demand for justice is not neurotic behavior. It only becomes an immobilization when you punish yourself with a negative emotion as you fail to see evidence of the justice that you so futily demand. In this case the self defeating behavior is not the demand for justice but the immobilization that may result from "no justice reality".
Contradictorily, our culture promises justice. Politicians refer to it in all their campaign speeches, yet day after day, century after century, the lack of justice continues. Poverty, war, pestilence, crime, prostitution, dope and murder persist generation after generation in public and private life, and if the history of humanity can be used as a guide, they will continue. Therefore, injustice is a constant, but you in your infinite new esteem can decide to fight that injustice and refuse to be seduced into being emotionally immobilized over it. You can work at helping to eradicate injustice and you can decide that you won't be psychologically defeated by it.
The legal system promises justice. The people demand justice and some of them even work to make it happen, but generally it doesn't. Prisons are full of poor people - not as many with money, power, and position. You know that. Those with money are not convicted; judges and policemen are often bought off by the powerful. A President and Vice President are pardoned and wrist slapped for obvious felonies. The poor people in the jails have next to no chance of beating the system. It's not fair, but it's true. The demand for justice may infiltrate your personal relationships and prevent you from communicating effectively with others. The "It's not fair" slogan is one of the more common and destructive laments made by one person against another. In order for you to consider something unfair you must compare yourself to another individual or group of individuals.
The reality that life is not fair seems to be one of the most difficult and painful concepts for people to accept. Perhaps the reason for this is that our western linear model implies that it is a fair world and if you work hard enough and long enough, you will achieve your goals. Perhaps the ideals behind the creation of our cultures, the values of equality and fairness for all, have led us to assume that this is the way the world should work. Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that we want the world to be fair. We want to be able to depend on something concrete and we want some guarantees for our safety, security, and well-being. The fact that these guarantees do not exist does not stop us from wanting them. Many of our defense mechanisms, our illusions, and our denials have to do with not accepting the fact that life is unfair. It is not sad; it is just one of life's truths.
Life is not fair because "fairness" is a value judgment. This means that what is fair is subjective - it changes according to who is rating what and when and why. What is fair to me today may no longer be fair tomorrow or in different circumstances or around different people.. An example: the promotion that I worked hard for but was given to you is not fair to me but very fair according to your perspective. And even if you agree with me that it was not fair, next month you will justify the fairness of it by believing you are doing a good job.
The importance of the concept that life is not fair is not in the explanation of it but in the acceptance. The question, "Why not?" is a crazy-making one. There will always be reasons why life should be fair to you and you may spend hours defending, denying, fighting, or being depressed because something unfair has happened again. The big issues of unfairness, the life-and-death issues, will never be explained in a way that makes sense. There is no answer to the why question when someone you love is dying. We may know the how - cancer, heart disease, another disease, accident - but we will never know the why. And pondering the why causes dysfunctional behavior. This is a very different process from accepting and grieving. Grief eventually ends; it is a natural process. Wondering why may never end; it is unproductive. At some point, we must let go of the why, accept the reality, and get on with the living.
Trying to make the world fair is both destructive and self-defeating. Many good-natured people run around trying to fix the unfairness of it all. Some of these we call codependents, some are living martyrs. Codependents and living martyrs tend to be filled with anger, resentment, envy, and insecurity. The nonacceptance of this concept creates bitterness, unhappiness, and unnecessary pain and prevents the possibility of growth. This is truly not fair!
The paradox here is that the acceptance of the reality that life is unfair often leads to behaviors which are more objective, more loving and caring, and more realistic than the behaviors of the non accepting. These accepting ones are often perceived as more "fair" than those who are trying to force the world to be fair.
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