10 years clean and sober

October 29, 2010
10 years clean and sober

Today marks a milestone in my life. It was 10 years ago today that I had my last drink, my last drug, and my last Jail booking. Prior to that, I spent a lifetime seeking that next drink or drug, many times in jails, prisons and institutions. That journey saw me having negative impacts on everything and everyone I came in contact with. Today I am a different person, seeing the positive things in life, doing my best to help others, myself and family.

It took a long recovery program to get this addict clean and sober. I was “out there” for over 35 years, so it took 2+ years in programs and supervised recovery to get here (recovery).

In 1992, I found myself “walking” the “yard” in San Quentin State Prison. That in itself was a bad thing, but to make things worse, I was walking the yard with my 19 year old son. It was a joke in the prison, the “family affair” in prison. Yea, we laughed about it, but deep down, it was the ultimate degradation. My journey in the prison system continued until 2000, Oct. 29th, the end of a life of addiction and the beginning of a new life in recovery.

My “out there” years had taken everything about me, away. My family, wife, all material objects, my dignity and freedom.

I started my addiction at an early age, so as time went by in my life, I thought what I was doing was normal. I was so caught up in that life that I didn’t realize that life was passing me by and I didn’t have a clue what was really happening in the world about me.

As time passes in recovery, I look back at all the wasted time in my life and wished I could set the clock back. We all know that isn’t possible, so I have to accept that, and move forward in the now.

My early recovery after incarceration and the programs were spent attending many AA and NA meetings. I got into online recovery in 2004 and I’m sure that it had an impact on my staying clean and sober. I won’t go into detail on that at this time, just enough to say thank you to all those that I’ve come into contact online since. It’s given me responsibility, daily involvement in recovery and a whole lot of friends throughout the world.

I live life on life’s terms today, accepting the good with the bad. I do know that whatever negative things happen in my life, a drink or drug will not help solve anything. It can only make things worse. Dealing with the negative, clean and sober, gives me the opportunity to either, make better, solve, or accept the situation at hand. I wish I could say that everything is great, but I can only say that it is better. I accept that where I’m at today, is where I am, and probably where I should be. That doesn’t stop me from striving to be better though, and that is what I do today.

For those still “out there”, give yourself a break from your addiction or drinking and see what life is waiting to give to you. Try it………. You’ll like it, lol. If you don’t, you can go back to that life of misery.

Thanks to everyone that posted congrats to me, and thanks to all the emails I received from around the world today. My inbox has about 100 or so emails from folks in recovery. It’s nice to see positives things today and not the negatives that I lived most of my life. I have much more to say, but for now, I’ll leave it like this.

Have a great day everyone!!!

Milkman Mike
DOS 10-29-00

Paradox

Written by Zentai in 2005

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Paradox
I often use the term paradox. The dictionary definition of paradox is: "A statement that seems contradictory, unbelievable or absurd but that may actually be true in fact. Something inconsistent with common experience." I can also add that an occurrence opposite from one's expectations is a paradox.
Everything about living well seems to be paradoxical to what we have been trained to believe. For example, we are trained to believe that it is wrong or dangerous to love ourselves and that no one else will love us if we do love ourselves. This is paradoxical because the better we are able to love ourselves, the more love we generate for others and the more love we receive from others. Likewise, the more we take care of our own needs and wants, the more others want to be around us and offer to help us. Incidentally, the more that you caretake others to the exclusion of yourself, which is what we have been trained to do, the more resentment we foster in both ourselves and in those being caretaken. Another paradox; the more secure you feel about yourself, the more open and vulnerable you can be around others, the more power others give you. We are taught that we have to defend and protect ourselves that we cannot appear vulnerable or others will take advantage of us. Actually, the opposite occurs.
The easiest and fastest way to understand paradox is through the use of humor. Laugh at yourself and with others. Do not take anything that seriously. It is all a game and we are all players. The best we can be occurs when we let go and have fun and play the game spontaneously. This is the paradox of life. Enjoy it.
I want to give you a glimpse of that which can't really be talked about!: the nature of truth and the Self. You must remember that language was not designed to express the truth and yet it is what we have to communicate with. In ordinary, everyday life, what people mean by the term "truth" is a position they believe in. This sort of "truth" mechanically gives rise to an opposite opposing position, so when you say "X" is right, that gives rise to the opposing position that "not-X" is right, with absolute reliability. It doesn't happen just sometimes; it happens each and every time you take a position. A position always calls into being its own opposition. This should give you a hint about what the truth is.
The truth, with respect to "X" and "not-X," is that "X" and "not-X" are both right and they are both wrong. The truth then is a context that contains the paradox of opposite position both being right and both being wrong. It happens that the mind is not capable of holding the truth as paradox. Therefore you cannot experience the truth with your mind, which is a right/wrong machine designed for survival of individuality. This all comes into clear focus in the realm of love and commitment. When you say "I love you" to someone, that automatically creates its opposite which may be "I don't love you" or "I hate you." As you can see, there is sometimes more than one opposite. So, if you are the carrier of "I love you" and you put it out as a position, it mechanically produces its opposite somewhere. That somewhere may be in the mind of the person you love from a position. What may come up in his/her mind is, "But I don't love you." In case they come up with the same position, "I love you," then you will become the carrier of "I don't love you." "I love you/I don't love you" is known as ambivalence. The only way you can avoid ambivalence is if the "love object" is willing to carry "But I don't love you." If both of you take the position”I love you," what will happen is that you both become the carriers of the opposing position. This inevitable condition of ambivalence calls into being commitment, if here is intention for the relationship to last. A relationship of”I love you / I don't love you" can be held in that context and both positions contribute to the context. The outcome is that "I don't love you" is a validation of the context of love in which it is held and powers the relationship. Creating a context of love, that is, being your Self, or the Self, means a willingness to put your very existence on the line in the form of commitment. You must see that love cannot be maintained, has never been maintained, will never be maintained, from the level of the mind. Here is what you "can" do about it: develop the "intention" to have your relationship work. Out of your intention, in the condition of integrity, comes a naturally created "commitment". It is simply there, not as a concept, but as a natural, living, spontaneous commitment. Obviously then, integrity and intention are the qualities you must uncover in your Self if you want relationships that work.
So, here is how to accomplish it all. Life works well if you if you simply do what is appropriate with the fundamentals of intention and integrity. What is appropriate to this fundamental level is: (1) tell the truth, all of it, at all times, and (2) be absolutely true to your ideals until you realize that your ideals are actually your blocks in life. At that point they will become your former ideals. After that, you simply do what works. Fundamentally, what works is to tell the truth, all of it, at all times. This brings you back to the truth as paradox. The truth is that "I love you / I don't love you" and ”I am committed to you / I am not committed to you" exist at all times, side by side, in the same space of the Self. If you really get this at the level of unity of being, it becomes unimportant who is carrying which position at any given moment. The Self is the only context large enough to contain a working love relationship between two people. The path to the Self is communication. If you have no intention of your relationship working you will avoid communication. When and if you get beyond avoidance of communication, you will have to confront the truth as paradox. Your positional mind won't like it that you also contain the opposite position. Nevertheless, the truth "is" paradox and only the truth works. To get the truth as paradox, you have to check back into your life and be your Self.

Taking care of business

I've just finished getting together numerous paperwork for the State Tax Board, as I'm trying to reduce a monthly payment on taxes incurred in the 1980's due to my irresponsible actions (non-actions would be more like it, lol). I sent all this info 3 months ago and just heard from them this week saying that the material I sent had been "lost" "misplaced" or something like that. (Our government at work).
Anyway, I'm doing my part to try to get a resolution on this, and I know that if I were still drinking, I would just pass it off. I've paid 10 fold of the original tax bills thru the years with interest, penalties and such and hoping to get it resolved. Wish me luck, lol.
I'm hoping to get it resolved before Meg Whitman (if she does) fills the govenor seat. I doubt she'll let ANYONE off the hook. Business is business, lol.

Just some thoughts from the Milkman, have a great day all.

Downer Feelings

Downer Feelings
An article created by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series

Downer Feelings

Why do I need you to love me in order to like myself?
A day in a life: Tina always gets up an hour before her husband, Ernie, so that she can have the bathroom to herself while she gets ready for work. She never allows Ernie to see her without her war paint and hairstyle intact. And she doesn't dare risk his anger if he's unable to use the bathroom when he wants. As she slips quietly out of bed, she tugs her nightgown down hastily, just in case her husband awakes. If he should see those extra pounds around her waist, there would be trouble. Later, at work, Tina overhears her boss refer to her as his "girl." She is annoyed but says nothing. At a meeting on a department project, a colleague presents a proposal as entirely her own, although Tina did a substantial share of the groundwork. She doesn't mention her contribution because she's worried about offending this woman, whose position is higher than her own.
A typical day in Tina's life may seem farfetched, but it is only a slight exaggeration of the way many of us live our lives. Day after day, our time and energy are devoted to the futile search for the behavior that will ensure we will be liked. Approval craving might seem like a strong term, but only a powerful word such as "craving" adequately describes the powerful hold this need has on so many people. And the need masks a genuine terror of rejection. Many, perhaps most, of us "must" have others love us before we can ever begin to like and accept ourselves. Over concern with what people think of you and the accompanying fear of rejection can create a life based on decisions made strictly to guarantee acceptance. Extreme approval cravers dress to please, and smile no matter what. They avoid saying what they really think. It is as if a censor is working overtime in their heads, editing and reediting the material they are willing to share with others. Some people have strong approval needs in more-specific situations. Like many of us, they are not bothered by disapproval fears most of the time. But in certain specific situations, they become overwhelmed with the need to please and be liked and in the process they easily become possessive and jealous. Their philosophy is: "Where is your ass so I can plant my lips on it."
Connie, a bank loan officer, is extremely assertive on the job. She is never plagued by worries about rejection when she turns down an applicant for a loan. Yet with her steady boyfriend, Dudly Do Right, she's a mess, always hovering about, anxious to please him and trying to anticipate his every need. If she fails, she's afraid he might not marry her and she wouldn't be able to find another man. Crap. Do you crave approval? As you look through your answers to these questions, be honest with yourself. Find the patterns in your own behavior.
• Are you inappropriately compliant with your supervisor?
• Have you slipped into workaholism in order to assure acceptance?
• Do you engage in backstabbing or scapegoating of other, more vulnerable workers in order to enhance your position?
• Do you experience inappropriate levels of anxiety when asking for a raise or making any other reasonable work request?
• Do you avoid approaching people who might be desirable to meet, because you are convinced they will not find you acceptable?
• Are you too open too soon with new acquaintances in the hope of winning them over?
• Do you make yourself look bad if you feel a friend is jealous of something you have?
• Are you afraid to tell a friend what you really think of his/her inappropriate behavior toward you?
Is all that stuff normal? If you define normal as the norm, then the answer to this would be yes! It is normal to see insecurity, envy, arrogance, greed, possessiveness, depression, etc., in almost all of the people that we know. Many of our dysfunctional traits and states are what we commonly call "the human condition." Perhaps it would be more appropriate to call many of our ailments the result of the training or programming we learned or were conditioned to. Too many of us have been excellent students of an inappropriate and faulty system for coping and living well.
We have been taught that we are our feelings and that we are not responsible for the way we are feeling. We excuse inappropriate behaviors by saying things like, "Oh well, you know how upset he is" or "It's not her fault because she's having a bad time." We have been trained to believe that our feelings control us, that other people's behaviors control us and that our reactions are not under our own control. How often we hear or say, "You are making me angry" or “What you are doing is making me jealous" or "I can't be angry at them because they can't help themselves" or "The world is making me depressed because nothing is working the way I want it to." There are literally thousands of examples similar to these in which our responsibility for our actions or feelings is given to someone or something outside of our control.
The model of”you are what you do" not only implies that you should be able to control your destiny but that you should also be able to control others around you so that you can achieve your goals. It does not teach us how to control ourselves and it does not teach us what our responsibilities are.
If your goal is to be balanced, to act responsibly, to let go of the craziness of life, to learn self-esteem and practice social interest, then you will find small comfort in being one of the many miserable people in the world. Misery may love company but how many of us love misery - particularly when it is unnecessary. Unnecessary pain is the pain that results from own insecurity. Insecurity is not a necessary condition of the human adult. It hampers maturity. Possessiveness, jealousy, and depression, along with a host of other ailments, are not necessary nor do they serve any positive purpose except to confirm what excellent students we have been. There is enough real pain in the world that cannot be conquered. There is no need to make more pain. By learning to be secure with ourselves, we can eliminate the unnecessary pains, the "trauma dramas" of everyday life.

Fairness

This aritcle was written by a man known as Zentai to the online recovery community.



Fairness


If the world were so organized that everything had to be fair, no living creature could survive for a day! The birds would be forbidden to eat worms and everyone's self interests would have to be served. We are conditioned to look for justice in life and when it doesn't appear we tend to feel anger, anxiety, or frustration. Actually, it would be equally productive to search for the Fountain of Youth or some such myth. Justice does not exit! It never has, and it never will. The world is not put together that way. Robins eat worms. Spiders eat flies, that's not fair to the flies.

You only have to look at nature to realize there is no justice in the world. Tornado's, floods, tsunami, droughts are all unfair. It's a mythological concept, this justice business. The world and the people in it go on being unfair every day. You can choose to be happy or unhappy but it has nothing to do with the lack of justice or fairness you see around you. This is not a sour view of humanity and the world but rather an accurate report of what the world is like.
Justice is simply a concept that has almost no applicability, particularly as it pertains to your own beliefs about fulfillment and happiness. But too many of us tend to demand that fairness be an inherent part of our relationships with others. We say things like "It isn't fair. You have no right to do that if I can't." Or, "Would I do that to you?" We seek justice and use the lack of it as a justification for unhappiness. The demand for justice is not neurotic behavior. It only becomes an immobilization when you punish yourself with a negative emotion as you fail to see evidence of the justice that you so futily demand. In this case the self defeating behavior is not the demand for justice but the immobilization that may result from "no justice reality".

Contradictorily, our culture promises justice. Politicians refer to it in all their campaign speeches, yet day after day, century after century, the lack of justice continues. Poverty, war, pestilence, crime, prostitution, dope and murder persist generation after generation in public and private life, and if the history of humanity can be used as a guide, they will continue. Therefore, injustice is a constant, but you in your infinite new esteem can decide to fight that injustice and refuse to be seduced into being emotionally immobilized over it. You can work at helping to eradicate injustice and you can decide that you won't be psychologically defeated by it.

The legal system promises justice. The people demand justice and some of them even work to make it happen, but generally it doesn't. Prisons are full of poor people - not as many with money, power, and position. You know that. Those with money are not convicted; judges and policemen are often bought off by the powerful. A President and Vice President are pardoned and wrist slapped for obvious felonies. The poor people in the jails have next to no chance of beating the system. It's not fair, but it's true. The demand for justice may infiltrate your personal relationships and prevent you from communicating effectively with others. The "It's not fair" slogan is one of the more common and destructive laments made by one person against another. In order for you to consider something unfair you must compare yourself to another individual or group of individuals.

The reality that life is not fair seems to be one of the most difficult and painful concepts for people to accept. Perhaps the reason for this is that our western linear model implies that it is a fair world and if you work hard enough and long enough, you will achieve your goals. Perhaps the ideals behind the creation of our cultures, the values of equality and fairness for all, have led us to assume that this is the way the world should work. Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that we want the world to be fair. We want to be able to depend on something concrete and we want some guarantees for our safety, security, and well-being. The fact that these guarantees do not exist does not stop us from wanting them. Many of our defense mechanisms, our illusions, and our denials have to do with not accepting the fact that life is unfair. It is not sad; it is just one of life's truths.

Life is not fair because "fairness" is a value judgment. This means that what is fair is subjective - it changes according to who is rating what and when and why. What is fair to me today may no longer be fair tomorrow or in different circumstances or around different people.. An example: the promotion that I worked hard for but was given to you is not fair to me but very fair according to your perspective. And even if you agree with me that it was not fair, next month you will justify the fairness of it by believing you are doing a good job.

The importance of the concept that life is not fair is not in the explanation of it but in the acceptance. The question, "Why not?" is a crazy-making one. There will always be reasons why life should be fair to you and you may spend hours defending, denying, fighting, or being depressed because something unfair has happened again. The big issues of unfairness, the life-and-death issues, will never be explained in a way that makes sense. There is no answer to the why question when someone you love is dying. We may know the how - cancer, heart disease, another disease, accident - but we will never know the why. And pondering the why causes dysfunctional behavior. This is a very different process from accepting and grieving. Grief eventually ends; it is a natural process. Wondering why may never end; it is unproductive. At some point, we must let go of the why, accept the reality, and get on with the living.

Trying to make the world fair is both destructive and self-defeating. Many good-natured people run around trying to fix the unfairness of it all. Some of these we call codependents, some are living martyrs. Codependents and living martyrs tend to be filled with anger, resentment, envy, and insecurity. The nonacceptance of this concept creates bitterness, unhappiness, and unnecessary pain and prevents the possibility of growth. This is truly not fair!

The paradox here is that the acceptance of the reality that life is unfair often leads to behaviors which are more objective, more loving and caring, and more realistic than the behaviors of the non accepting. These accepting ones are often perceived as more "fair" than those who are trying to force the world to be fair.