Turning Into Self Acceptance

From the Zentai Series "Beyond the 12 Steps"
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Turning Into Self Acceptance


How do I accept myself? The answer lies in learning to accept the reality of ourselves without necessarily agreeing with or liking all the feelings or separate components of what we are accepting. This means that we can agree with or approve of the totality, our wholeness, without agreeing with or approving of all our characteristics. This is the opposite of our training, which implies that we must be perfect before we can accept (agree with and approve of) ourselves. We can begin to accept the reality of ourselves. We can begin to accept the reality of ourselves, our totalities, as we are right now without needing to agree with or approve of all our parts, our roles, our behaviors. Acceptance does not mean understanding. Just as most of us will never understand all the complexities of life - war, famine, pain, and death - so we will never understand all the reasons for the complexity of ourselves. Acceptance does not mean change. Our acceptance of life does not change it and our acceptance of ourselves will not change us.

Crazy World

Aritcle written by Zentai in the series "Beyond the 12 Steps"

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Why does everything seem so crazy? None of the confident people I know forced themselves to be that way. Instead they've learned how to let themselves be that way. They are dynamic and creative. They are at peace with themselves, But unlike those who remain trapped in a cage of self-doubt they don't try to be dynamic, creative, and peaceful. Life works naturally when we get out of the way. They let life flow without presenting obstructions. They let these qualities come through. That's the key to learning truly deep confidence.

Sexuality

Article written by Zentai in the series "Beyond the 12 Steps"

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Sexuality


Let's talk about sex and good gosh, why not? Everyone else does.

Talking about sex can be uncomfortable for most of us. In our society and in many of our families, it is a taboo subject. Many of us deal with sexuality through humor. Just think of all the "dirty jokes" we've told and heard over the years. For many

Death - Shifting Images



This article was written by Zentai from the series: "Beyond the 12 Steps" at the Circle for Recovery. It is not posted there yet, but will be soon.

It seems as we age, the word "Death" seems to come up more often. This article seems to explain why to some extent.

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I have found a mourning process for oneself as one gets older or deteriorating health conditions exists and one must come to terms with change resulting from this unavoidable progressing. One might describe this process as mourning for former states of the self, as if these states represented lost objects. - G. Pollock

Twelve Signs of a Spiritual Awakening

Twelve Signs of a Spiritual Awakening

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
2. Frequent attacks of smiling.
3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.
4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.
6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
7. A loss of ability to worry.
8. A loss of interest in conflict.
9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
10. A loss of interest in judging others.
11. A loss of interest in judging self.
12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

Getting Ideas

Getting Ideas


"All of us know more than any one of us" is the saying that applies to 12 Step groups. No matter how much experience any single individual has, it's surpassed by the collective knowledge of the group.
That's a good reason in itself for drawing upon these groups. And there are others as well. We need the pool of intelligence that the groups build up over time. We need the group's strength when our own is waning.
We also learn help that comes in surprising ways. The person in the group who seems just knowledgeable may express an idea that is just what we need at the time.
The group can meet many of our needs if we give it a chance. Regular attendance at meetings will keep us in touch with the group's ideas.
I'll stay in touch today with ideas that come from members of my group. Joined together, we have lots of knowledge.
Anyways people, hope to hear from more of you in the future. These are just my own thoughts as I see and feel them.

I LOVE to argue or debate

Do you ever find yourself enjoying a (good?) arguement or debate with someone? Do you like matching "wits" with someone else?

I was involved in a couple of posts on other boards lately, in regards to a couple of posts that I posted. I got, what I thought were negative responses to them, and found myself, Justifying? or trying to "come back" at them, with what amounted to nothing more, than justifying and debateing with the individuals involved.

I found some satisfaction in going back and forth with them, and tried my best not to post anything that would really offend anyone. I know in the past, I would have "laid into them" with "witty words" that would have been meant to demean or ridicule. I know that I still get sarcastic but I really believe that I participated in these threads, just to have some fun. (At others expense?) I'm not sure.

When I was in my active addiction, there was nothing I enjoyed more, than to argue. I could argue about something, even if I knew I was wrong. I think that I did this, just to show the other person they were wrong (even if they weren't, lol), or to find ways to justify my own opinions.

I know that I've changed positively in these old behaviours, but I realize that their still inside me to some extent, with my argumentive nature.

What about you all? Do you enjoy a good arguement or debate? Can it be fun, or does it end up hurting someone else, in some manner or way?

Milkman

How I got to recovery

How I got to recovery

My getting into recovery, clean and sober, came about by many events happening in my life, but came to a head by one BIG one. My wife calling the cops on me. That was the event that eventually turned my life around 180.

As with most of us, I blamed my incarceration on HER. Who did she think she WAS, calling the police on ME, Ha!!

The day was October 29, 2000. I was driving a 1972 blue Volkswagen, and had been drinking for several days. I was temporarily reunited with my wife, who had divorced me 4 years earlier. She was giving me another chance to prove that I could go without the booze and drugs. Reckon, I didn’t make it very long. There were times that I could go a day or two, with just one or two beers, but eventually, I just drifted right back on drinking as much as I could consume. If I didn’t drink when she got home at night from work, I got up extra early, so I could have 3 or 4 beers BEFORE I left for work. Lunch time found me speeding up to the bar to consume 3 or 4 screwdrivers as quickly as I could. Once again, I had no control over alcohol, even with the threat of losing my wife once again.

I had already been to prison 4 or 5 times, and county jails, so many times, I lost count. NOTHING could take the obsession to drink away from me. I was psychologically and physically dependent on booze. My life was unmanageable.

That day, 10 years ago, I was mentally and physically abusing my wife, and didn’t even realize it. My thinking was that I needed another drink, and would do anything to get it. She wouldn’t give me the money that I gave her to pay the bills, imagine THAT! So, in order to protect herself, she called the cops on me. I had enough faculties about me, or should I say, stupidity left, that I left the premises. But, obsessed as I was, I just HAD to drive back by the apt. to see if she really HAD called them. SHE HAD!! SHE POINTED ME OUT TO THEM!! THEY SAW ME AND WHAT I WAS DRIVING!!! I DROVE OFF QUICKLY!! THEY CAUGHT ME!!!

That day brought on a new beginning for me. There were many things that happened to me during the time that elapsed from that day, until I was released from the program that I eventually ended up at. That, is another story.

Anyone else like to share how they got into recovery? Post a comment here or at the group: http://www.milkmanscircle.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=11491

You will need to register at the group to access the Discussion Boards.

Milkman’s Birthday Thoughts and thanks

Milkman’s Birthday Thoughts

Thanks to everyone that wished me a happy birthday.

Ya know, when ya gets to be my age, you don’t really relish the idea of having another birthday, lol. When we’re kids, we just can’t wait, as we start growing up, we wait for our birthdays so that life will reward us with more privileges that life and society has to offer. Becoming a legal adult, being able to get a drivers license, a marriage license, the privilege (?) to drink legally and many others, depending on what part of the world you may be from.

Most of the folks that are on my friends list here on FB are in recovery, or connected to recovery, as those are the folks that I’ve added and those are the folks that I can identify with and feel comfortable sharing recovery with. If some of you aren’t recovering or even active addicts or alcoholics, bear with me. I’m trying to learn how to live without the aid of mind altering substances. Your comments on my posts and shares are always welcomed.

Being an addict/alcoholic in recovery, all those “legally to do’s” above, I abused and misused to the full extent of my being. You see, I’m not just addicted to drugs and alcohol, but to life itself and everything that it contains. There is no “just one”, no “take it easy” for me in anything. I always want MORE! MORE!!! I wanted more birthdays so that I could go out and “celebrate” more.

On my 18th birthday, a friend of mine and me got drunk and drove around in the rain. He being an alcoholic also, put us driving in the rain, drunk, and ending up in a car wreck in Redwood City. We showed’em! We’re adults now, lol. He broke his nose on the steering wheel; my head went thru the windshield and back, ending up with over 80 stitches. He rear ended a woman that was pregnant, and by the grace of God, she didn’t lose the child, and we didn’t lose our lives. I lost about 2 pints of blood, had my head bandaged like a turban, but that didn’t stop me from going out the next night and drinking a half pint of vodka, and getting “shit faced” due to the lack of blood in my body. I should of known then? that I had a problem?

Thru the years, there were many more episodes that ended up with negative results while celebrating my birthdays. Many birthdays were spent behind bars, but most ended up with me passing out from excessive “celebration”.

In closing, I have to say, that I missed out on a lot of memories of my birthdays and a large part of my life due to alcohol and drugs. These last 10 years, clean and sober, leave me with GOOD memories. I don’t find the need or urge to celebrate these days, only the need to be grateful for each day that I’m allowed to spend here on this earth. The gratitude to take that first breath in the morning, the gratitude to be able to remember what happened last night, and of course, as most of us can say, knowing where my car is, lol.

I’m 64 today, but sure don’t feel it in my mind. Probably due to growing up at such a late stage in my life. I was 53 years old when I got clean and sober, and what a difference a day makes. The incarceration “breaks” every couple of years might have something to do with my physical well being and health. I sure didn’t give my body a break when I was drinking and using, that’s for sure.

Hope you all are smarter than I, at an earlier age. You’re worth it, all of you.

Thanks again to all, for the birthday wishes, and that will be my celebration for the day. (well, maybe some good old chocolate cake and ice cream might be in order, lol)

Have a great day everyone, I know I will.

Milkman Mike

Evil

Written by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series


Evil
The Sense of Unworthiness
The person we want most to love us is our self. But when we attempt to bring love to oneself, perhaps through a meditation in which we cultivate this quality or in the course of our most ordinary day, we discover that we sometimes think we don't deserve it. We see self-doubt arising to block this love, an interference which we realize is usually present to some degree almost all of the time. It's a sense of unworthiness, it seems, that comes out of our being talked out of, trained out of, conditioned out of trusting our natural Being. It is the result of being turned away from ourselves, taught to distrust ourselves. An over-simplified example is that as children, toddling across the floor, we may have had the experience of needing to urinate, so we did. And Mommy or Daddy may have come up and said, "Oh no! That's wrong, don't do that!" But we didn't do anything; we just peed. It's just something that naturally came about through us. But, somehow, it was "wrong." It caused us to increasingly question or naturalness. As we grow older, we learn to take care of ourselves, to be responsible. We are encouraged to be someone special, to be praiseworthy, to be outstanding. And in the course of learning how to reinforce our separateness, it's quite natural that most of us as children at some time lie or steal. We may lie to protect our "specialness," to suit some image of what we are supposed to be, to disguise our natural waywardness, to be someone we're not, just as sometimes we may steal to feed ourselves what we wish we already had.
The child is told not to lie or not to steal, but never told how not to lie and not to steal. Our naturalness is accused. Our distrust in ourselves is reaffirmed by the feeling that we're the only ones who ever lied or ever stole, that there's something basically wrong with us. There is within us, much of the time, that critical judging voice commenting on what we're doing and how we're doing it, pointing out that we're not coming up to par, not being worthy of love. We have somehow come to think that it's not appropriate to love ourselves - that we're not worthy of self-love because we have lost our natural love of ourselves, our natural self-respect. Interestingly enough, it's the sense of unworthiness which maintains ego! We don't have to battle or crush the ego. Much of what we see as ego-motivation comes from a sense of unworthiness. When the sense of unworthiness falls away, there is a good deal less ego to support. The ego is not an entity out to conquer to world; much of the momentary grasping we call ego is a compensatory mechanism trying to disprove unworthiness. It's not so much trying to appear great as trying not to seem a fool. Being someone special, we suspect, will compensate for this inadequacy, will show that we are really okay.
When we let go of that unworthiness, when we forgive ourselves for even that, then no one is trying to prove anything. Then the whole ego structure starts to crumble, and opens itself to love and self-acceptance. When self-judgment comes up, we try gently to let go of it. The next thought might be, "Oh, I can't do that, that's self-indulgence. I mustn't let myself get away with that!" which is more of that belief that we have to control ourselves, that we can't trust ourselves. Our feeling of distrust in our natural Being has gained such potency, and has been supported by so much of society, that many will agree wholeheartedly that we mustn't trust ourselves. There is so much distrust in our natural Being that many people are convinced that they are by nature, evil. That's the sense of unworthiness that I spoke of in relation to the judging mind. People who feel this look at the hindrances in the mind - the greed and the desires, the "stuff" we all work with, the anger, the self-centeredness - and say, "Look at that awful stuff. Can I trust a mind that's got all that in it?" But when we suggest that these hindrances are encouraged by such aversion and fear, that one may let go of this conditioned mind and let the natural wisdom arise, they say, "I can't let go of control - I've got to keep the screws on or I'll really blow it." Actually, our sense of unworthiness causes us to reinforce those negative qualities. And, since all of those qualities encourage further separation, it makes us feel even more unloved and unlovable, and makes contact with ourselves and others, yet more difficult. We can treat thoughts of unworthiness just like any other quality of mind, coming and going, as it will in response to certain conditions. It's just another moment in the mind. It's just another part of the passing show. We can trust ourselves and the power of awareness to penetrate to a clear comprehension of the truth. All our trying to change, thinking we have to do something about how and who we are comes mostly from a sense of unworthiness, a sense of personal distrust. Even now a lot of us are saying, "Yes, but....." That's just more of the same. We let go of our sense of unworthiness not by submitting it to the ax or trying to control or suppress it, but by giving it enough room to see its own workings. A sense of unworthiness does not make us unworthy. We are worthy of letting go of our unworthiness. If we did nothing but practice letting go of unworthiness, much of the stuff we're working so hard to clear away would have no support system! We would have more room to grow. Consciously we surrender unworthiness as it arises, not entertaining it with the ego's list of credits. The work which will awaken us is that of becoming keenly aware of unworthiness without judging it. Gently, with patience and a lot of love, we acknowledge the Being we really are.
Is evil real? Now is the time to present an important paradox: If you are worried about being evil, you most likely are not evil. True evil does not allow for self-doubt or self-examination.
Are "evil" and being "bad" the same thing? No. We can and will do bad things - inappropriate, uncaring, pain-filled behaviors - because we are human and therefore not perfect. These behaviors do not define us as evil people. This mistake is similar to guilt - over generalizing from a behavior to the whole. If we choose to continually commit behaviors which are painful to others and to ourselves, we may become evil. An examination of conscience is required to let us know when to stop, when to change, and when to make amends. If we continue along doing damage to ourselves and to others without questioning our behaviors and if we refuse to acknowledge that we may be doing harm, then we are vulnerable to becoming evil.
The underlying assumption of the theory behind self-esteem is that "we are good". Lacking a conscience does not mean evil; rather it means sickness or handicap, in much the same way that lacking a limb means a handicap. The nature of evil implies choice. We cannot choose or be held responsible for choice if we do not have the necessary qualifications for making that choice. Evil can be defined as choosing not to do good. It most often is seen in those who put all their energy into looking "good" and choose not to examine themselves. Evil requires the opposite of self-esteem - there can be no exploration of the self, no responsibility for the consequences, and no acceptance of the ability to do wrong. Interestingly, the externalizations which occur in the circular process of guilt can be conducive to becoming evil. it is easy to imagine and evil person expressing guilt but never changing, doing evil and blaming others. The safest way to avoid evil is to practice self-esteem and recognize that we are all imperfect.

Substance Disorders

Article written by Zentai in the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series

PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCE USE DISORDERS
Psychoactive substance use disorders deal with symptoms and maladaptive behavioral changes associated with more or less regular use of psychoactive substances that affect the central nervous system. There are ten classes of psychoactive substances that often are used in maladaptive ways: alcohol, amphetamines or similarly acting sympathomimetics; cannabis; cocaine; hallucinogens; inhalants; nicotine, opioids; phencyclidine (PCP) or similarly acting arylcyclohexylamines; and sedatives, hypnotics, or anxiolytics.

Substance use disorders come in two varieties: abuse (the milder of the two) and dependence. Substance abuse is diagnosed in clients who do not meet the criteria for dependence (on the same substance) and who have demonstrated a pattern of continued use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, occupational, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the use of the psychoactive substance or recurrent use in situations in which use is physically hazardous (e.g., driving while intoxicated), for at least one month (or repeatedly for a longer period of time).

Dependence is diagnosed if the client has met at least three of the following criteria for at least one month (or repeatedly for a longer period of time): (1) using the substance more than intended; (2) persistently wanting the substance or making unsuccessful efforts to control substance use; (3) spending a great deal of time related to the substance (for example, recovering from intoxication); (4) manifesting intoxification or withdrawal that interferes with normal activities, or intoxication that involves physically hazardous use; (5) limiting activities as a result of the substance use; (6) continuing to use the substance despite awareness that it is causing difficulties; (7) showing clear signs of tolerance; (8) having withdrawal symptoms; (9) using the substance to relieve or avoid withdrawal.

In diagnosing a psychoactive substance use disorder, the clinician would specify the substance involved and indicate whether there is abuse or dependence and, if there is dependence, the severity of the condition (for example, "alcohol dependence, moderate). Substance use disorders, then, do not necessarily entail longstanding and pervasive impairments; in fact, most people who abuse drugs or alcohol are employed and have families. Nevertheless, the substance use has a powerful negative impact on the users as well as on the people who are close to them. The problem is particularly prevalent among young adults. Many causes have been suggested to explain substance use disorders: biological, cultural, environmental, interpersonal (social, familial), and intrapersonal (developmental, cognitive, affective), but no conclusive explanation has been found yet for these disorders.

The search for an addictive personality has not been a particularly fruitful one, although some researchers believe there are personality patterns that predispose people toward substance abuse. I suggest that people with problems of substance abuse have been hurt by significant others and that those who are orally addicted had particular problems with their families (considerable evidence indicates that this is particularly so if they had problems with their mothers.) People who abuse substances experience lifelong anxiety, seek a sense of identity, and are depressed and dependent. I believe they engage in avoidant behavior and are often suspicious and guilt ridden. To some extent, these behaviors may stem from their efforts to conceal their substance abuse from others and to defend their use of drugs and alcohol. People who use drugs or alcohol to excess may have learned to cope by lying to others or by placating or abusing others; and these patterns may be carried into recovery.

Approximately two-thirds of those with substance use disorders have another coexisting disorder, most commonly depression. Some of the coexisting disorders are preexisting conditions; others were initiated or worsened by the substance use. People with a family history of alcohol abuse are particularly likely to have coexisting disorders. This pattern is difficult to treat because it becomes a vicious cycle: the substance abuse worsens the coexisting disorder, which, in turn, increases the client's tendency to use drugs or alcohol as a form of self-medication for the coexisting disorder. Also, the substance use often masks the symptoms of the underlying disorder, further complicating the treatment/recovery picture.
Suicide and suicidal ideation are frequent in people who abuse substances and seem to increase as the abuse increases. The possibility of suicide is of particular concern because substance abusers have an available lethal weapon, drugs and alcohol, and the combination of intoxication and depression may lead them to turn a binge into a suicide attempt. With multiple substance abuse becoming increasingly the norm, suicide becomes easier via a mixture of drugs (such as alcohol and tranquilizers). Often suicidal "attempts" are actually a cry for help - but the "attempt" can, by mistake, turn into an actual suicide.

Therapist who treat these disorders take an active role in the therapy and avoid the more traditional analytical models initially, which do not seem effective in treating substance abuse (at least until the person becomes stabilized). Most therapists are caring yet firm and realistic with substance abusing clients. I think therapists must also be comfortable with limit setting and confrontation. Life and death situations presented by many substance abusers requires the therapist to exert external control and even coercion, breaking confidentiality if necessary when the client's life is in danger.

Therapists who work with substance-abusing clients must be prepared to deal with resistance, hostility, manipulativeness, and deception. They also need to handle appropriately their own reactions to client's reluctance to change, continuing to communicate empathy and acceptance to even the most hostile and resistant clients. While these behaviors are certainly not descriptive of all clients seeking help for substance use, they are common among these clients. One of the challenges facing the therapist is the reversal of these patterns and the development of an honest relationship even when a part of you wants to kick them in the ass.

An important difference between drug abuse and alcohol abuse is that most abused drugs are illegal. Consequently, although alcohol clients also may have legal difficulties if they are arrested for driving while intoxicated, drug abusers often are involved in serious crimes and devote extensive time and energy to obtaining the funds needed to purchase drugs. Many clients with drug abuse problems come to therapy involuntarily on a court referral and may be suspicious, guarded, and resentful.

Many of those who abuse drugs have problems with impulse control in other areas and resemble clients with impulse control disorders. Adolescent drug users, in particular, seem to have a high susceptibility to boredom along with a high need to take risks and seek excitement. Men are more likely to abuse illicit drugs; women are more likely to abuse prescription drugs. Those who abuse prescription drugs tend to be dependent, shy, anxious, and socially isolated or obesity precipitated the drug use.

There may be an association between personality traits and preferred drug. Heroin addicts tend to be childlike yet distant and to have one parent who is punitive or distant and one who is over involved. Opioid users tend to be apathetic, egocentric, narcissistic, easily bored and frustrated, and have difficulty with authority. I've found that most opiate addicts have at least one coexisting emotional disorder, most often major depression, alcoholism, antisocial personality disorder, dysthymia, or an anxiety disorder. They are also likely to come from lower socio-economic groups. Female heroin addicts often have a history of incest. Those who abuse amphetamines are also often coping with underlying depression. Amphetamine users may be depressed and suicidal when they are not on drugs; when they are on drugs, they may have symptoms resembling a paranoid psychosis. In addition, people who abuse amphetamines tend to be agitated and suspicious, and frequently have little sense of direction. Some studies have found a correlation between cocaine abuse and a high incidence of depressive and bipolar disorders. Cocaine use, itself, can cause anxiety and suspiciousness as well as temporary energy and self-confidence; and some people may use cocaine to relieve depression. Barbiturates tend to be abused by people who feel tense, anxious, and inadequate. Barbituates are highly addictive and are probably the most frequent cause of drug-related deaths. Chronic marijuana users tend to be passive, lacking in ambition, and prone to depression, suspiciousness, and panic or anxiety attacks. Polydrug abusers tend to be young, venturesome, apathetic, and depressed; to have social problems; and to engage in antisocial behavior. They are often dependent and have confused values and poor problem-solving skills. They seem to be particularly troubled.

Although there is not the clear pattern of genetic transmission that is seen in alcoholism, families of drug abusers have a high incidence of impulse control problems, are conflict ridden and enmeshed, have particularly strong mother-child connections, and are troubled with issues of death and loss. Antisocial behavior and alcoholism are often found in these families, as are high levels of marital disruption, inconsistency, and emotional disorder. The drug abuser was often the favorite child and had an important role in maintaining the family.

Therapy with substance-abusing clients usually will be structured and behaviorally oriented, with abstinence being the goal. Contracts can be useful in affirming that goal and in specifying steps clients can take when they feel the desire for drugs or alcohol. For many clients, substance use is reinforced by a peer group; group counseling as well as self-help groups can counteract the influence of these peer groups. I use an eclectic approach to treatment. This approach emphasizes behavioral therapy, abstinence, and self-help groups. It also includes "genetic reconstruction," to help clients come to terms with the past, accept reality, and modify defenses. Finally, this approach makes use of interpretation and insight to help clients understand and manage feelings. I have also used aversive conditioning. I incorporate assertiveness training to develop social skills, cognitive therapy, and, in the later stages, existential therapy to promote a decision to establish a different lifestyle. In summary this approach results in: Admission, submission, restoration, and construction.

One common approach to treating substance abuse is "attack therapy" and is most commonly conducted in therapeutic communities staffed by paraprofessionals who are themselves recovering substance abusers. I believe that approach can promote insularity (a sort of closed community) and can increase clients' hostility, leading them to change in order to placate others rather than out of internal motivation. There are those who apparently react well to this kind of treatment. Most do not.

Self-help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are almost always part of the treatment plan for substance abuse and become the central ingredient of most aftercare programs. Auxiliary groups, such as Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics, help family members deal with the impact of the substance use on them and also show them how to encourage the recovery of the substance abuser.

Substance abuse, as well as relapse, is associated with stressful life events. To prevent a setback when things do not go well in client's lives, therapy should help them look realistically at their lives; make needed changes; and develop coping mechanisms, so that they are better prepared to deal with future stress. In addition, therapy should focus on any developmental or lifestyle deficits that may have resulted from prolonged substance abuse. Many clients need assistance with career development and job seeking, socialization and communication, parenting; developing drug-free leisure activities, and improving family relationships. (Much of the Discussion Topic message boards are dedicated to these subjects.) I have done and do a structural-strategic model of family counseling with substance-abusing clients and their families and suggest that multiple family therapy (including other families with similar difficulties) can be particularly helpful. If there is a coexisting disorder, in addition to the substance use disorder, treatment seems to be most effective in both problem areas when they are addressed through the treatment.

This recovery/support site, Dynamics Of Recovery, has gone to great lengths to include a largess of information and guidelines to help those in their sincere efforts to gain whole-person health. An enormous amount of work has gone into this endeavor, expecting absolutely nothing in return. Our hope is that our members use it as intended to improve their lives. The one thing I have little patience for or compassion with is "crap". If you have smoke to blow - blow it somewhere else. I have no need to impress you and I don't need you to impress me. I want you to actualize. I want you to become all you can be.

I have found on the MMPI that people who abuse alcohol tend to receive high scores on introversion, depression, and somatization; on the California Psychological Inventory, these people score high in imagination, intellectual ability, extroversion, passivity, instability, anxiety, and interpersonal undependability. Also, they tend to have little information on the physiological and interpersonal effects of their substance abuse. I have found that those who abuse alcohol tend to be immature, impulsive, and antisocial, and have poor coping skills and low self-esteem.

Males with alcohol problems often manifest antisocial behaviors and attitudes while women are often depressed and phobic. For women, the pathology seems to precede the alcoholism; the reverse is more common with men, except for those with antisocial personality disorder and panic disorder; about half of those who abuse alcohol are significantly depressed. They tend to be anxious, self-centered, and sensitive to stress; have interpersonal difficulties and poor ego strength; perceive themselves as having little control and few options; and overreact to failure. The alcohol abuser's personality is similar to that of the client with a borderline personality disorder. Many studies suggest that people who abuse alcohol have a range of associated difficulties - especially depression, low self-esteem, poor coping mechanisms, and interpersonal concerns. Whether these traits preceded or were consequence to the alcohol abuse is unclear, but what is clear is that therapy should go beyond establishing abstinence in clients who abuse alcohol or other drugs.

Dry Drunk

Dry Drunk

I've heard a few people ask what the term "Dry Drunk" means The following article seems to explain it very well. After reading it, it explained a few things to me that I wasn't aware of. I know that I've had feeling of being a "Dry Drunk", but after reading this, it makes me aware, that I'm going to have my ups and downs, and it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in that Syndrome. I've just got to deal with the day to day situations as best that I can. Hope this article explains what you may need to hear today.
It's a fairly long article, so maybe some of you may just want to comment on YOUR version of what a "Dry Drunk" is.
Milkman

Dry Drunk Syndrome

Sobriety will necessarily have its ups and downs, its good times and its bad times, if only because we live in a world which we are inseparably joined. One doesn't always sustain sobriety at the same level. There are fluctuations, shocks and setbacks which, when addressed within the context of the A.A. program, so not in themselves imperil the totality of one's sobriety. The Dry Drunk Syndrome is a term that should not be used as a catch-all when one has a bad day or a bump in life throws us for a while. Those are ups and downs that everyone experiences and shouldn't be labeled to be anything more than what they truly are. The Dry Drunk is a condition far more serious than the highs and lows of our day-to-day existence.

Change, as I see it

Change, as I see it
by Milkman Mike

This was a share I did in one of our online meetings a couple of years ago. It’s still how I feel today and thought I’d share it with ya all.


I picked "Change" as a topic tonight, because I guess I'm seeing a lot of it in my life today.

Things are changing in several different parts of my life, some of it I like and some of it I don't

There’s change in my home life, change in my work life, spiritual and in my life in the program

The dictionaries meaning of change is to exchange for or replace with another

to give a completely different form or appearance to; transform, to go from one phase to another

Of course there are other definitions but for ME, change is going from one level to another, or having things different than what they were

In my life, I have undergone many changes, in personality, spirituality, employment, relationships and much more

Some of these have had negative results and a few positive, lol

The last 6 years, I WILL have to say, there have been more positive than negative.

Reason being, I got CLEAN AND SOBER!!!

Some of the changes in my life might have seemed small, but when you put a lot of small changes together, you're able to be transformed into someone you never thought you could be

at least that’s the way it was and is for ME

To change, I had to WANT that change

want something different than what I’d been accustomed to, what I was sick and tired of

my life seemed like it was coming to an end before I got clean and sober

I had lost everything of value and then some

I had no pride, ambition, or self-respect left in my life.

I had lost my wife, family, home and all material things I had acquired in my life

I had hit the homeless shelter, and felt like a vagabond

I'm sure you've heard the expression "I was saved when they locked me up"

That's the way it was for me. Even though I had been in and out of jails and prisons ALL of my adult life,

the topping off the cake was in Oct. of 2000, when I was facing 5 years (once again) in prison

My wife had called the cops on me because of not living up to the promises I had made to stay sober

I had to humble myself and beg for a program, even though my thoughts were still on beating the system and the time duration of a lengthy prison sentence

They kept me in long enough so that I had time to acquire the tools to help me make the changes, and change I did

Even though I knew I need change, I didn't know how to go about it until I went thru the programs that were mandated on me

I learned to be open minded, honest with myself, and WILLING to change, something new to me

I had to realize that the things I had been doing, were not going to change, unless I changed the way I was doing them

LIVING LIFE! That's what I had been doing wrong!!

I didn't know HOW to live, without a drink or a drug in me

I had to have that drink in the morning to kick start my day

and once that first went down, there were many to follow for the day, not ending until late at night or until I passed out

I had to change my friends, my hangouts, what I did in my free time, and my way of thinking

I went to meetings and made new friends, and that’s where I hung out in the first couple of years

I did the 12 steps as they were suggested and kept going to meetings. This was a BIG change for me



As time went on, my desire to change from those old ways, got stronger

The forced changes I had made, were finally becoming habits and normal for me

It wasn't easy at first, because those little voices inside my head kept talking to me to go back out there

But the changes had affected my thinking and I remained clean and sober

Today, I’m looking forward to some changes that may or may not happen in the next couple of weeks. If they do, I’ll be ready for them, and if they don’t happen, then I’ll still be grateful for what I have

I think I’ve said enough, so I’ll give some of you others a chance to tell us about how change has affected you

Thanks

Milkman Mike

Acceptance - by Milkman

Acceptance, in spirituality, mindfulness, and human psychology, usually refers to the experience of a situation without an intention to change that situation.
Acceptance does not require that change is possible or even conceivable, nor does it require that the situation be desired or approved by those accepting it.
Indeed, acceptance is often suggested when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk.
Thus someone may decide to take no action against a situation and yet be said to have not accepted it.
Now, I guess that’s where the serenity prayer comes into hand
God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference
When I was in my last program before I hit the streets, I fought acceptance HARD. I tried to analize the serenity prayer by saying, how do I KNOW what things I cannot change, if I don’t TRY?
Ah, but if I had looked at the last part of the prayer, I might have seen “and the wisdom to know the difference” lol
I guess for ME, that wisdom was slow in learning, but the longer I was in recovery, and did the things that were suggested, the wisdom started coming
I started to make better decisions on WHAT I could change and WHAT I could not
The wisdom taught me just how far I could go and what I could do to try and change some of those things
Now, that doesn’t mean I have to accept EVERYTHING. There are some things in life that I will NEVER accept
The only difference today is, I’ve learned to deal with those things, and handle or react to them differently
Acceptance of failure might be something that I can’t accept, unless I’ve exhausted every thing I know of to change that
Doesn’t mean I would like it, but it might be something that I would have to learn to accept
The one thing that I know I’ve accepted (and don’t really like), is that I’ll NEVER be able to drink again, if I wish to continue this life

Approval

Written by Zentai from the series "Beyond the 12 Steps"

Approval

Needing approval is tantamount to saying "your view of me is more important than my own opinion of myself." You may be spending far too many moments to acquire the approval of others or in being concerned with some disapproval that you have encountered. If approval has become a "need" in your life, then you have some work to do.
You begin by understanding that approval seeking is a desire rather than a necessity. We all enjoy applause, compliments, and praise. It feels good when we are stroked. Who would want to give this up? Approval in itself is not unhealthy, in fact, adulation is pleasurable. However, approval seeking is a waste only when it becomes a need rather than a want. If you want the approval, you are simply happy to have the endorsement of other people, but if you need it, you are going to collapse if you don't get it. That is when the self-destructive forces move in.
Similarly, when approval seeking becomes a need, you give up a chunk of yourself to the outside person whose advocacy you must have. If they disapprove, then you become immobilized even if in a small way. So, you see in such a case you have chosen to wear your self-worth on your sleeve for someone to rub or not rub off as they see fit. In other words, you feel good inside only if they decide to administer praise to you. The need for approval of another person is bad enough but the real trouble comes with the need for approval of everyone for every act. Obviously, if you carry around such a need, as most chemically dependent people do, then you are bound for a great deal of misery and frustration in your life. Moreover, you will be incorporating a wishy-washy non-person self-image that will result in the kind of self-rejection that we are desperately working against.
The need for approval must go. No question marks. It must be eradicated from your life if you are going to gain personal fulfillment. Such a need is a psychological dead-end with absolutely no benefits accruing to you. It is impossible to go through life without incurring a great deal of disapproval. It is the way of humanity. The dues you pay for your aliveness are something that simply cannot be avoided. When approval-seeking is a need, possibilities for truth are all but wiped away. If you must be lauded and you send out those kinds of signals, then no one can deal with you straight. Nor can you state with confidence what it is that you think and feel at any moment. Your self is sacrificed to the opinions and predilections of others.
I suppose politicians are a class that fall into this category for approval-seeking. The end result is a lack of trust, as we know. Inevitably, they seem to speak out of both sides of their mouths, saying one thing to please group A and another to win the approbation of group B. There can be no truth if the speaker is shifty and moves around the issues with a skillful kind of maneuvering that is designed to please everyone. Behavior like this is easy to see in politicians but more difficult to see in others.
Perhaps you cooled it in order to placate someone or you find yourself agreeing with someone whose disfavor you fear. You knew you would be unhappy if you were censured, so you modify your behavior to avoid it. It's tough to handle rebuking and easier to adopt behavior that will bring approval but when you take this easy way you are making others' opinions of yourself more important than your own self assessment.. It's a vicious trap and a difficult one to escape in our society.
In order escape the trap of approval-seeking which gives others' opinions control over you, it is important to examine the factors that foster the approval-seeking need. Here is how it appears in our cultures: The need for approval is based on a single assumption. "Don't trust yourself; check it out with someone else first." Our culture is one that reinforces approval behavior as a standard of life. Independent thinking is not only unconventional; it is the enemy of the very institutions that constitutes the bulwark of our society. If you have grown up in this society, you have been affected by this attitude. You make someone else's opinion more important than your own, then if you don't get their approval you have every reason to feel depressed, unworthy, or guilty since they are important to you.
The bestowal of approval can also be a great manipulator. Your worth is lost on others and if they refuse to dole out their approval, you have got nothing. You are without worth, and so it goes. The more flattery you need, the more you can be manipulated by others. Any steps in the direction of self approval and independence of the good opinion of others are movements away from their control. As a result, such moves get labeled as selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, and the like in an effort to keep you dependent. To understand this vicious circle of manipulation consider the profusion of approval-seeking cultural messages which began when you were a child and which continue to bombard you today. It is important to recognize here that young children truly need acceptance from significant adults in their formative years, or what I call positive reinforcement. But remember that approval should not be contingent upon being proper, nor should a child have to get his parents' sanction for everything he says, thinks, feels, or does. Self reliance can be taught in the crib and approval seeking ought not be confused with love seeking.
In order to encourage freedom from the need of approval from adults; it is helpful to give the child an abundance of approval from the beginning.. But remember, if a child grows up to feel that he cannot think or act without first securing the permission of a parent, then the neurotic seeds of self doubt are planted early. Approval-seeking as a self defeating need is mentioned here as a child being conditioned to check it out with mother or dad rather than the very healthy sense of wanting the love and acceptance of a caring parent. Unfortunately, our culture teaches the child to rely on others rather than trusting his own judgment. Check out everything with Mommy or Daddy: what do I eat, when, how much, who can I play with, etc.
You can never escape disapproval. For every opinion you have, there is a counterpart out there with exactly the opposite view. Here are some examples of approval-seeking behavior. Like self-respect, approval-seeking encompasses a large category. Among the most common kinds of approval seeking activities are those detailed here:
1. Changing a position on what you believe because someone shows signs of disapproval
2. Sugar coating a statement to avoid the reaction of displeasure
3. Apple polishing in order to make someone like you
4. Feeling depressed or anxious when someone disagrees with you
5. Feeling insulted or put down when someone states a contrary statement to your own
6. Labeling someone a snob or stuck up which is just another way of saying "pay more attention to me"
7. Agreeing excessively and head nodding even when you don't agree at all with what is being said
8. Performing chores for someone and feeling resentful about not being able to say "no"
9. Being intimidated by a sharp sales person into buying something you don't want or fear taking it back because he won't like you
10. Apologizing for yourself at every turn with excessive "I'm sorries"
11. Behaving in non-conforming ways for the purpose of gaining attention, sort of like negative strokes, like wearing tennis shoes with your tuxedo, or eating a handful of mashed potatoes just to be noticed.
12. Being pathologically late. Here you can't help but be seen and it is an approval-seeking device and gets everyone to pay attention.
13. The list could go on and on
The following are the six payoffs for approval-seeking as a need:
1. Placing responsibility for your feelings on others if you feel the way you do, lousy, hurt, depressed, etc. because someone else doesn't approve of you, then they, not you, are responsible for how you feel
2. If they are responsible for you, you feel, because of withholding their approval, then any changes in you is almost impossible since it then becomes their fault that you feel the way you do. Thus approval-seeking helps you avoid changing.
3. As long as they are responsible and you can't change, you don't have to run any risks. Consequently, hanging on to approval-seeking is a way of life and will help you to conveniently avoid any risk-taking activities.
4. reinforcing a poor self image and therefore encouraging a self pity and do nothing-ism. If you are immune from the need for approval you are immune from self pity when you don't get it.
5. Reinforcing the idea that others must take care of you and, therefore, you can revert to the child in you and can be coddled, protected, and manipulated
6. Blaming others for what you are feeling, thereby creating a scape-goating effect for everything you don't like in your life. It's the same as projections demonstrating to yourself that you are liked by those others you like more than yourself, and thus feeling outwardly comfortable even though there is a cauldron of discontent seething inside of you. As long as the others are more significant, then the outward appearance is more important.
I could go on and on, but these neurotic payoffs are strikingly similar to the rewards for self hate. In fact, the treatment of avoiding responsibility - change and risk - is at the heart of all of self-destructive thinking and behaving. It is just plain easier, more familiar, and less risky to hang on to neurotic behaviors, approval-seeking being one of them.

About Service

Written by Zentai in 2005 from the "Beyond the 12 Steps" series


About Service

Service:
Service is an attitude founded on the recognition that the world has supported you, fed you, taught you, tested you, whether or not you earned it. Understanding this simple truth can move you to do what you can to repay a foundless debt of gratitude. Service is both a means and an end, for in giving to others, you open yourself to love, abundance, and inner peace. You cannot serve others without uplifting yourself.
I first glimpsed the power of service as a therapist. At first, most of my attention was dedicated to myself - my progress, my problems - until I realized that I enjoyed helping others learn new elements even more than learning those elements myself. When I learned and acquired new knowledge, one person benefited; when I gave that to others, many could benefit. Years later, after a lengthy search for personal enlightenment, my exclusive self-focus again shifted to learning not only for my sake, but for the sake of others. Coincident with this shift, extraordinary masters and teachers began to appear in my life, and doors opened within me and in the world.
Submitting ourselves to the needs of others makes heroes of us all. There are countless ways to make a difference - like stopping to assist someone in need, reaching down to pick up a piece of litter, sharing your talents and energy with others in practical ways - this is what it means to be a part of the human family. Again, I repeat; you are not here to contact your higher self; you are here to become it. Serving those around you in the spirit of love becomes enlightenment.
We begin to serve our world by resolving the apparent contradiction between working on oneself and serving others, followed by a reflection on the gift of life; finding your calling; putting your money where your heart is; and how small, everyday acts can make a big difference in the world.
People think service is a kind of charity - strong people giving to weak people, healthy people giving to sick people, rich people giving to poor people, together people giving to people who aren't so together.
To me, true service is an experience of wholeness, fulfillment, fullness, self-reliance, and self-sufficiency for all parties - an experience of the magnificence and infinite capacity of human beings. When I'm really in service, I disappear. My identify is no longer present. I am one with he or she or that which I am serving. It is actually an experience of Spirit, of unity and wholeness. There is nobody giving and nobody receiving. None of that is happening. There is only an experience of unity. We begin to see that we are the expression of one soul. An act of service is an act of love and trust. It's also an act of responsibility and of courage - a stand for the integrity of human life.
Years ago, a single incident reconciled for me this apparent conflict between social activism and inner work. It happened during a period of intense spiritual growth work on myself - meditation, contemplation, visualization, and self-analysis. One afternoon in Osaka, Japan, as I was walking with an old man, Tanaka san, we came upon several large posters on the side of a building. One showed the gaunt faces of starving children; next to it was a plea to help oppressed people around the world; the third pictured the plight of endangered species.
"You know (speaking in Japanese, of course) , Tanaka san," I said, pointing to the posters, "I feel guilty, or selfish, doing all this work on myself when there are so many people in need-" Tanaka san stopped abruptly, turned to me, and said, "Take a swing at me." "What do you mean, take a swing at you?? Did you hear what I said?" "Come on," he urged, moving like a boxer, goading me. "I'll give you some yin if you can slap me on the face."
I figured this was some kind of test, so I took a swing - and found myself on the ground in a painful wrist lock. As Tanaka san helped me to my feet, he made this point. "You notice how effective the right leverage can be?" "Before you help others, you need to understand them. Before you can understand them, you need to understand yourself. Then you will know how to exert the right leverage at the right place and at the right time. The more clarity and courage your actions reflect, the more impact your efforts will have."
Ben Franklin once wrote, "God helps them that help themselves." As you transcend your own limitations and tendencies, you will naturally show loving-kindness to others.
Once you establish physical and spiritual sufficiency, and find enough free attention, self-worth, and will to cultivate a balanced, energized body; once you rise above the storms of mind and emotions to trust your intuition, meet your shadow and face your fears, embrace both your sexuality and your humanity, and awaken your heart - you will have nothing left to do, and nothing that gives you greater meaning or joy, than simple service. Let me be clear about something here. Being of service does not imply letting others "use" you, exploit you or take advantage of you.
Given that no one ever perfectly masters all the lessons, and that work in each lesson contributes to mastery of all others, ask yourself: How can I begin to share my energy, my talent, my heart with others? What would I choose to do if I were already whole and complete? How would I spend my time, my energy, my life? What will be my priorities?
A final day awaits us all. We may know in advance when our end is near, through declining health, a terminal illness, old age. Or we may have only a few seconds' notice, or none at all.
When the executioner raises his scythe, how many of us may want to say, "Wait! Just another moment, please! Let me take one more sweet breath! Give me one more sight, sound, touch my loved ones! Wait! Just one more moment!"
NOW is the time to see, to listen, to touch - bring our best to life while we have the life for it. How much we have, no one can say. Life itself is a near-death experience. Consider how we appear from nowhere, as microscopic specks on a minuscule, blue-green dot moving through the infinity of space and time. Our lives are ephemeral and brief, each of us one cell among billions on the planet, and yet we strive to love, to serve, to find meaning and fulfillment while we live. Life itself is a hero's journey. In this final lesson you have come full circle, in the sense that the action of service provides the ultimate means to establish a solid sense of self-worth, which, you have learned, can favorably impact every facet of your life - so much so that it is questionable whether the receiver or giver of service should offer the most thanks.
Some time ago, after finishing a lecture at a seminar, a woman came up to me and said in a voice so quiet I could hardly hear her, "Excuse me, could I have just a moment? I said yes and waited. It took her another moment to speak. "What you said - about little things make a big difference? Well I wanted you to know how a man's smile once saved a life - my life."
She had my attention as she continued. "I've always been shy. About four years ago I was also suicidal - I had made two half-hearted attempts, but I had decided I was going to do it once and for all. I didn't believe anyone cared whether I lived or died, so I didn't care, either. I was on the way home where I was going to do it, when I saw a man - a nice-looking man, walking in the opposite direction. I don't usually look at people, but in the state I was in, it didn't matter, so I looked at him and he looked back and smiled at me." She smiled as she said this. "He had a wonderful smile, and then he was gone.
"It sounds crazy, I know," she said, "but his smiling at me - it was something I wanted to hold on to for a while, so I - I didn't kill myself that day, or the next. Then I decided to stick around and get some help. Things are better now. I have a boyfriend I love a lot, and a job I like. I just wanted you to know that little things sure can make a difference. Oh, my name is Cheryl," she said, smiling.
Cheryl's story has a clear moral: Although a few of us have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, most of us don't have enough self-importance. We forget that people are watching us, learning from us, being affected and influenced by our example.
Few of us really understand how a kind word, a note to a waiter or waitress, the act of picking up some litter,, or flashing a smile can offer needed encouragement, lift someone's spirit, or make their day. And who knows? It might even save a life.