Sunday, February 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 24 - Peeling the Onion
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 24 - Peeling the Onion
The Fourth Sep heralds a new ere in our recovery. Steps Four through Nine can be thought of as a process within a process. We will use the information we find in working the Fourth Step to work our Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eight, and Ninth Steps. This process is meant to be done over and over again in recovery.
There is an analogy for this process that is particularly apt. We can think of ourselves as an onion. Each time we begin a Fourth Step, we are peeling away a layer of the onion and getting closer to the core. Each layer of the onion represents another layer of denial, the disease of addiction, our character defects, and the harm we’ve caused. The core represents the pure and healthy spirit that lies at the center of each one of us. It is our goal in recovery to have a spiritual awakening, and we get closer to that by beginning this process. Our spirits awaken a little more each time we go through it.
The Fourth Step is a method for learning about ourselves, and it is as much about finding our character assets as it is about identifying the exact nature of our wrongs. The inventory process is also an avenue to freedom. We have been prohibited from being free for so long-probably all our lives. Many of us have discovered, as we worked the Fourth Step, that our problems didn’t begin the first time we took drugs, but long before, when the seeds of our addiction were actually planted. We may have felt isolated and different long before we took drugs. In fact, the way we felt and the forces that drove us are completely enmeshed with our addiction; it was our desire to change the way we felt and to subdue those forces that led us to take our first drug. Our inventory will lay bare the unresolved pain and conflicts in our past so that we are no longer at their mercy. We’ll have a choice. We’ll have achieved a measure of freedom.
The Fourth Sep heralds a new ere in our recovery. Steps Four through Nine can be thought of as a process within a process. We will use the information we find in working the Fourth Step to work our Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eight, and Ninth Steps. This process is meant to be done over and over again in recovery.
There is an analogy for this process that is particularly apt. We can think of ourselves as an onion. Each time we begin a Fourth Step, we are peeling away a layer of the onion and getting closer to the core. Each layer of the onion represents another layer of denial, the disease of addiction, our character defects, and the harm we’ve caused. The core represents the pure and healthy spirit that lies at the center of each one of us. It is our goal in recovery to have a spiritual awakening, and we get closer to that by beginning this process. Our spirits awaken a little more each time we go through it.
The Fourth Step is a method for learning about ourselves, and it is as much about finding our character assets as it is about identifying the exact nature of our wrongs. The inventory process is also an avenue to freedom. We have been prohibited from being free for so long-probably all our lives. Many of us have discovered, as we worked the Fourth Step, that our problems didn’t begin the first time we took drugs, but long before, when the seeds of our addiction were actually planted. We may have felt isolated and different long before we took drugs. In fact, the way we felt and the forces that drove us are completely enmeshed with our addiction; it was our desire to change the way we felt and to subdue those forces that led us to take our first drug. Our inventory will lay bare the unresolved pain and conflicts in our past so that we are no longer at their mercy. We’ll have a choice. We’ll have achieved a measure of freedom.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 16 - Courage and trust
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 16 - Courage and trust
Many of us, having worked the Fourth and Fifth Steps before, knew that this process always resulted in change-in other words, we'd have to stop behaving the same old way! We may not have been entirely sure we wanted that. On the other hand, many of us knew we had to change, but were afraid we couldn't.Two things we need to begin working Step Five are courage and a sense of trust in the process of recovery. If we have both these things, we'll be able to work through more specific fears and go through with the admissions we need to make in this step.
Many of us, having worked the Fourth and Fifth Steps before, knew that this process always resulted in change-in other words, we'd have to stop behaving the same old way! We may not have been entirely sure we wanted that. On the other hand, many of us knew we had to change, but were afraid we couldn't.Two things we need to begin working Step Five are courage and a sense of trust in the process of recovery. If we have both these things, we'll be able to work through more specific fears and go through with the admissions we need to make in this step.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 15 - Listening
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 15 - Listening
ListeningI speak because I know my needs,I speak with hesitation because I know not yours.
My words come from my life's experiences
Your understanding comes from yours.
Because of this, what I say,
And what you hear, may not be the same.
So if you will listen carefully,Not only with your ears,
But with your eyes and with your heart,
Maybe somehow we can communicate.
How often have you heard these statements? "You're not listening to me!"... "Why don't you let me finish what I'm saying?"... "If you only let me, I'll tell you!"... "I may as well be talking to a brick wall!... "You just don't understand!"... "But that's not what I said!"
If you hear any of these comments coming from your partner, children, friends, or co-workers, perhaps it's true that "you're not listening"--really listening to the people who are important in your life. Listening is the art of connecting with another person so you fully understand what they are saying and feeling. It is a vital and necessary skill needed in creating and maintaining a marriage, in parenting children effectively, and in working together and making effective decisions on the job.
I’ve had a problem with listening to others thru the years and sometimes still do. I am aware of it today so I try to do something about it. Somehow we get in the habit of thinking about what WE want to say instead of listening to what the other person is saying. Sometimes I catch myself starting to talk and then stop……. And my mind has just registered a word or two that the other person was saying before I interrupted them and it was something I wanted to hear. It’s kind of embarrassing when that happens but it doesn’t happen too often these days for me. I have learned to look at the eyes of the person speaking and try my best to concentrate on their words.
Everyone has something to say and they want to be heard just like you and I do. Lets try to be better listeners.
ListeningI speak because I know my needs,I speak with hesitation because I know not yours.
My words come from my life's experiences
Your understanding comes from yours.
Because of this, what I say,
And what you hear, may not be the same.
So if you will listen carefully,Not only with your ears,
But with your eyes and with your heart,
Maybe somehow we can communicate.
How often have you heard these statements? "You're not listening to me!"... "Why don't you let me finish what I'm saying?"... "If you only let me, I'll tell you!"... "I may as well be talking to a brick wall!... "You just don't understand!"... "But that's not what I said!"
If you hear any of these comments coming from your partner, children, friends, or co-workers, perhaps it's true that "you're not listening"--really listening to the people who are important in your life. Listening is the art of connecting with another person so you fully understand what they are saying and feeling. It is a vital and necessary skill needed in creating and maintaining a marriage, in parenting children effectively, and in working together and making effective decisions on the job.
I’ve had a problem with listening to others thru the years and sometimes still do. I am aware of it today so I try to do something about it. Somehow we get in the habit of thinking about what WE want to say instead of listening to what the other person is saying. Sometimes I catch myself starting to talk and then stop……. And my mind has just registered a word or two that the other person was saying before I interrupted them and it was something I wanted to hear. It’s kind of embarrassing when that happens but it doesn’t happen too often these days for me. I have learned to look at the eyes of the person speaking and try my best to concentrate on their words.
Everyone has something to say and they want to be heard just like you and I do. Lets try to be better listeners.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 14 - Surrender
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 14 - Surrender
Surrender
There's a huge difference between resignation and surrender. Resignation is what we feel when we've realized we're addicts but haven't yet accepted recovery as the solution to our problem. Many of us found ourselves at this point long before coming to Narcotics Anonymous. We may have thought that it was our destiny to be addicts, to live and die in our addiction. Surrender, on the other hand, is what happens after we've accepted the First Step as something that is true for us and have accepted that recovery is the solution. We don't want our lives to be the way they have been. We don't want to keep feeling the way we've been feeling.
What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything? What convinces me that I can't use successfully anymore?
Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?
Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender?
What would my life be like if I surrendered completely?
Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?
Surrender
There's a huge difference between resignation and surrender. Resignation is what we feel when we've realized we're addicts but haven't yet accepted recovery as the solution to our problem. Many of us found ourselves at this point long before coming to Narcotics Anonymous. We may have thought that it was our destiny to be addicts, to live and die in our addiction. Surrender, on the other hand, is what happens after we've accepted the First Step as something that is true for us and have accepted that recovery is the solution. We don't want our lives to be the way they have been. We don't want to keep feeling the way we've been feeling.
What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything? What convinces me that I can't use successfully anymore?
Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?
Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender?
What would my life be like if I surrendered completely?
Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?
Friday, January 13, 2012
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 13 - Progress.. not perfection
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 13 - Progress.. not perfection
Identifying the warning signs of relapse can and will show us our denial. Doing something about the warning signs will help us to recover. For example: As alcoholics/addicts, we have learned to lie as a means of protection for our using, feelings, thinking, and behavior. When we stop using, we may stop lying about it, but we will continue to lie about the rest. And addict at any point in recovery, if he has maintained awareness of his/her denial, will notice when he/she lies. The reasons for lying are always the same. "I don't want you to know what I really feel, think, or do." Recovery does not assume that we will stop lying, but rather teaches us to go back and tell the truth after we have lied. When we practice this enough, we will find that we lie less. It's progress not perfection. Taking a daily inventory or journaling of feelings, thinking, and behavior will help us recognize our denial and give us the opportunity to do something about it.
Identifying the warning signs of relapse can and will show us our denial. Doing something about the warning signs will help us to recover. For example: As alcoholics/addicts, we have learned to lie as a means of protection for our using, feelings, thinking, and behavior. When we stop using, we may stop lying about it, but we will continue to lie about the rest. And addict at any point in recovery, if he has maintained awareness of his/her denial, will notice when he/she lies. The reasons for lying are always the same. "I don't want you to know what I really feel, think, or do." Recovery does not assume that we will stop lying, but rather teaches us to go back and tell the truth after we have lied. When we practice this enough, we will find that we lie less. It's progress not perfection. Taking a daily inventory or journaling of feelings, thinking, and behavior will help us recognize our denial and give us the opportunity to do something about it.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 12 - Saying No
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 12 - Saying No
SAYING "NO".
People who cannot say "No" often do not know what they want or do not want. Frequently, these people think that "No" is a dirty word and that others will not like them if they say it. Being able to say "No" clearly and to mean it are indicators of respecting the self. Doing this means that we are able to take care of our own needs. Not being able to say "No" frequently means that we do not know what we do not want and we also do not know what we do want. Did I say that before? It is not a coincidence that "yes people" end up feeling angry, confused, and used, and not knowing exactly how they got that way.
It is also not a coincidence that people who never say "No" end up with people who rarely say "Yes" to them. These kinds of opposites really do attract each other and together they create a dysfunctional unit. Opposites may attract but similarities stay together. Not being able to say "No" means that we do not trust ourselves - we do not trust that we have rights and needs. It means that we have become more concerned with what other people want and need than we have with ourselves.
People who cannot say "No" are dancing in other people’s heads. This means that they are trying to figure out how to take care of others and, in order to do so, they have to try to figure out what motivates the other person. They are trying to passively coerce the other person into taking care of them. This sounds like manipulation and it is. By never saying "No" to anyone else's demands, or needs, we are expecting them to never say "No" to our own demands and needs. Furthermore, we are expecting them to dance in our heads and to know what we want and need even when we do not. The fact of the matter is that no one can really be in someone else's head; there is only room for one person per head and that is the person who owns the head. Dancing in someone else's head means that we are not spending time in our own heads. It means that we are not taking care of ourselves. It also means that we cannot know what we need and want.
Dance in your own head. Say "No" when you think that you do not want to do what is asked of you. Only say "Yes" to someone else when you are sure that your are giving a clean gift, a gift without strings. This means that you really want to do what is asked or expected of you and that you expect "nothing" back in return. Does this sound selfish? Good, it is. Does this sound self-centered? Only if you do not ever want to do anything for anyone else but you expect them to do everything for you.
People who cannot say "No" are generally very nice people who are trying to be good. These people tend to confuse being nice with being good. They really want to be genuinely helpful and they do not understand why their system produces so much anger and resentment. Once again, the solution lies in faulty training. There is another paradox here and that is that people who can never say "No" are not usually respected by others. Their nice behaviors are taken for granted and they are treated as victims or as not very important. People respect a "No" answer and when they then get a "Yes" answer at another time; they appreciate it more and know that it is real.
Practice saying "No." The world will not fall apart when you do so. Be clear in expressing how you feel. It makes life much simpler for you and for others. You will be surprised at how much people respect a clean, clear "No" and you will feel better about yourself for being truthful and for taking care of yourself. Everyone will win!
SAYING "NO".
People who cannot say "No" often do not know what they want or do not want. Frequently, these people think that "No" is a dirty word and that others will not like them if they say it. Being able to say "No" clearly and to mean it are indicators of respecting the self. Doing this means that we are able to take care of our own needs. Not being able to say "No" frequently means that we do not know what we do not want and we also do not know what we do want. Did I say that before? It is not a coincidence that "yes people" end up feeling angry, confused, and used, and not knowing exactly how they got that way.
It is also not a coincidence that people who never say "No" end up with people who rarely say "Yes" to them. These kinds of opposites really do attract each other and together they create a dysfunctional unit. Opposites may attract but similarities stay together. Not being able to say "No" means that we do not trust ourselves - we do not trust that we have rights and needs. It means that we have become more concerned with what other people want and need than we have with ourselves.
People who cannot say "No" are dancing in other people’s heads. This means that they are trying to figure out how to take care of others and, in order to do so, they have to try to figure out what motivates the other person. They are trying to passively coerce the other person into taking care of them. This sounds like manipulation and it is. By never saying "No" to anyone else's demands, or needs, we are expecting them to never say "No" to our own demands and needs. Furthermore, we are expecting them to dance in our heads and to know what we want and need even when we do not. The fact of the matter is that no one can really be in someone else's head; there is only room for one person per head and that is the person who owns the head. Dancing in someone else's head means that we are not spending time in our own heads. It means that we are not taking care of ourselves. It also means that we cannot know what we need and want.
Dance in your own head. Say "No" when you think that you do not want to do what is asked of you. Only say "Yes" to someone else when you are sure that your are giving a clean gift, a gift without strings. This means that you really want to do what is asked or expected of you and that you expect "nothing" back in return. Does this sound selfish? Good, it is. Does this sound self-centered? Only if you do not ever want to do anything for anyone else but you expect them to do everything for you.
People who cannot say "No" are generally very nice people who are trying to be good. These people tend to confuse being nice with being good. They really want to be genuinely helpful and they do not understand why their system produces so much anger and resentment. Once again, the solution lies in faulty training. There is another paradox here and that is that people who can never say "No" are not usually respected by others. Their nice behaviors are taken for granted and they are treated as victims or as not very important. People respect a "No" answer and when they then get a "Yes" answer at another time; they appreciate it more and know that it is real.
Practice saying "No." The world will not fall apart when you do so. Be clear in expressing how you feel. It makes life much simpler for you and for others. You will be surprised at how much people respect a clean, clear "No" and you will feel better about yourself for being truthful and for taking care of yourself. Everyone will win!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
daily reflections January 10-UNITED WE STAND
daily reflections January 10-UNITED WE STAND
Untied We Stand
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. Alcoholics Anonymous,p.30
I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was no longer able to control my drinking. It was either my wife's complaining about my drinking, or maybe the sheriff forced me to go to A.A. meetings, or perhaps I knew, deep down inside, that I couldn't drink like others, but I was unwilling to admit it because the alternative terrified me. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women united against a common, fatal disease. Each one of our lives is linked to every other, much like the survivors on a life raft at sea. If we all work together, we can get safely to shore.
Untied We Stand
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. Alcoholics Anonymous,p.30
I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because I was no longer able to control my drinking. It was either my wife's complaining about my drinking, or maybe the sheriff forced me to go to A.A. meetings, or perhaps I knew, deep down inside, that I couldn't drink like others, but I was unwilling to admit it because the alternative terrified me. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women united against a common, fatal disease. Each one of our lives is linked to every other, much like the survivors on a life raft at sea. If we all work together, we can get safely to shore.
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 10 - Substitutes
Milkman's Reflections - Jan 10 - Substitutes
This was a post from one of our members from 2007 but it hits home, as what this man says was true for me also. My subsitute from my addictions was learning computers and designing and maintaining recovery sites for the last 7 years and plan on continuing as long as I can.------------------
Substitutes: ...............
When I first came into sobriety, I had to think of substitutes. No. Not substitutes like…beer for wine….or wine for vodka…. More like: 1) substitutes for the time in the day and night when I picked up. 2) substitutes for the time I was unconscious after picking up. 3) substitutes for the Persons, Places and Things with which I picked up. 4) substitutes for the way in which I thought about picking up. 5) substitutes for the way in which I felt emotionally about picking up. 6) and substitutes for the way in which I had liquefied my spiritual life.
Some of my substitutes were playing in AA softball games, writing poems and short stories, and riding shotgun when taking a wet to a detox.
I sort of gave up on acquaintances with whom I associated when I drank. I didn't see them for a long time.
I had to think of consequences and not passing out to stop the pain. I had to feel the pain inflicted by the big trauma, or my excuse for drinking. I had to remember not to pick at the scab of that sacred wound which had functioned as my invitation to alcohol. Picking at the would is called "rumination"...Chewing emotional hurts over and over and over again. Think of it as picking the scab off...again and again and again. And I wondered why I didn't feel better when I drank. It took fourteen years of therapy...but...things are not perfect, but a darn site more comfortable.
I had to solidify my spiritual life, first through church attendance and then through classes at a seminary. Then came the division of the religious and the spiritual and the broader acceptance of spiritual though the reading of other Religions, Philosophies and Theologies.
The biggest substitute were writing the little check marks in the columns of the fourth step, sharing it, and getting direction on how to do restitution for the garbage.
For some garbage, no restitution will be done. This is some of the institutional garbage. Given the circumstances I could not be responsible for the outcome or the psychotic episode which I was shoved into having.
Yes. I am dually diagnosed which means that I have at least two write ups in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association. A good guesstimate of Dullies in Alcoholics Anonymous is about 35% while the guesstimate for Narcotics Anonymous raises to 50%.
So if you were told everything would get better once you were clean and sober, and now you are clean and sober and you feel like a tilted windmill, maybe you should think about seeing an Addictionologist who is also a Psychiatrist or Doctor of Psychology.
This is the Reader' Digest version of my traipsing around in A. A.
If you have substitutes, could you share them? .
This was a post from one of our members from 2007 but it hits home, as what this man says was true for me also. My subsitute from my addictions was learning computers and designing and maintaining recovery sites for the last 7 years and plan on continuing as long as I can.------------------
Substitutes: ...............
When I first came into sobriety, I had to think of substitutes. No. Not substitutes like…beer for wine….or wine for vodka…. More like: 1) substitutes for the time in the day and night when I picked up. 2) substitutes for the time I was unconscious after picking up. 3) substitutes for the Persons, Places and Things with which I picked up. 4) substitutes for the way in which I thought about picking up. 5) substitutes for the way in which I felt emotionally about picking up. 6) and substitutes for the way in which I had liquefied my spiritual life.
Some of my substitutes were playing in AA softball games, writing poems and short stories, and riding shotgun when taking a wet to a detox.
I sort of gave up on acquaintances with whom I associated when I drank. I didn't see them for a long time.
I had to think of consequences and not passing out to stop the pain. I had to feel the pain inflicted by the big trauma, or my excuse for drinking. I had to remember not to pick at the scab of that sacred wound which had functioned as my invitation to alcohol. Picking at the would is called "rumination"...Chewing emotional hurts over and over and over again. Think of it as picking the scab off...again and again and again. And I wondered why I didn't feel better when I drank. It took fourteen years of therapy...but...things are not perfect, but a darn site more comfortable.
I had to solidify my spiritual life, first through church attendance and then through classes at a seminary. Then came the division of the religious and the spiritual and the broader acceptance of spiritual though the reading of other Religions, Philosophies and Theologies.
The biggest substitute were writing the little check marks in the columns of the fourth step, sharing it, and getting direction on how to do restitution for the garbage.
For some garbage, no restitution will be done. This is some of the institutional garbage. Given the circumstances I could not be responsible for the outcome or the psychotic episode which I was shoved into having.
Yes. I am dually diagnosed which means that I have at least two write ups in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association. A good guesstimate of Dullies in Alcoholics Anonymous is about 35% while the guesstimate for Narcotics Anonymous raises to 50%.
So if you were told everything would get better once you were clean and sober, and now you are clean and sober and you feel like a tilted windmill, maybe you should think about seeing an Addictionologist who is also a Psychiatrist or Doctor of Psychology.
This is the Reader' Digest version of my traipsing around in A. A.
If you have substitutes, could you share them? .
Monday, January 9, 2012
Just for Today - January 10
Just for Today - January 10
Gratitude
"I'm very grateful to have come to believe."
IP No. 21, "The Loner"
Belief in a Higher Power can make all the difference when the going gets tough! When things don't go our way in recovery, our sponsor may direct us to make a "gratitude list." When we do, we should include our faith in a Power greater than ourselves on the list. One of the greatest gifts we receive from the Twelve Steps is our belief in a God of our own understanding.
The Twelve Steps gently lead us toward a spiritual awakening. Just as our addiction progressed, so does our spiritual life develop in the course of working the program of Narcotics Anonymous. The steps are our path to a relationship with a God of our understanding. This Higher Power gives us strength when our road gets rough.
Are we grateful for our deepening relationship with a Higher Power? Do we remember to thank God for each day clean, no matter what has happened that day? Do we remember that, no matter how deep our despair or how great our joy, the God of our understanding is with us?
Our recovery is a gift, a gift that we sometimes take for granted. Each day we stay clean, we can rejoice in our Higher Power's care.
Just for today: I am grateful for my relationship with a Higher Power that cares for me.
pg. 10
Gratitude
"I'm very grateful to have come to believe."
IP No. 21, "The Loner"
Belief in a Higher Power can make all the difference when the going gets tough! When things don't go our way in recovery, our sponsor may direct us to make a "gratitude list." When we do, we should include our faith in a Power greater than ourselves on the list. One of the greatest gifts we receive from the Twelve Steps is our belief in a God of our own understanding.
The Twelve Steps gently lead us toward a spiritual awakening. Just as our addiction progressed, so does our spiritual life develop in the course of working the program of Narcotics Anonymous. The steps are our path to a relationship with a God of our understanding. This Higher Power gives us strength when our road gets rough.
Are we grateful for our deepening relationship with a Higher Power? Do we remember to thank God for each day clean, no matter what has happened that day? Do we remember that, no matter how deep our despair or how great our joy, the God of our understanding is with us?
Our recovery is a gift, a gift that we sometimes take for granted. Each day we stay clean, we can rejoice in our Higher Power's care.
Just for today: I am grateful for my relationship with a Higher Power that cares for me.
pg. 10
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